Friday, June 27, 2003
Hey United Nations, Go Fuck Yourself!
That's what Australia said today. Funny timing on that, considering that the U.N. just yesterday asked us, as in you and me, the American Tax Payer to fork over HUGE WADS OF CASH so that they can have gold plated toilets and no asbestos in their little building that they don't pay rent for in the middle of the city that they didn't care about when the planes flew into it. This is why I propose that the new WTC be built in the shape of a giant hand flipping the bird, pointed eastward.
Oh boo hoo frenchy, is the widdle asbestos hurting your itty biddy wungs? Too sick to surrender effectively? Maybe it will make a man out of you. Now reach up under your skirt there, pull out your balls, and suck it up. We don't give a shit about the U.N. anymore. Go build a new building in Europe. You could build it in France in a few years after all your workers stop striking. Or maybe you could put it next to the ICC in Belgium, so that you could save us a few million in bombs and we could blow them both up in 1 shot.
Seriously, what the hell were you thinking!?! 1 billion dollars in interest free loans? I'll flip out if we ever agree to that, especially after they cut the health benefits for our soldiers. Interest free loan my ass. You expect us to pay for the building that we gave to you after WWII so that you could have a voice in the decision making process. We didn't have to, and looking back we probably shouldn't have, but we did it out of the kindness of our hearts and nothing less. And you took that gift from us, and used it as a tool to undermine our interests whenever possible. And now you want us to fucking pay so that you can continue to do so? Sorry boys, we have another building or three that need to be rebuilt before we get to the U.N.. But god damn I hope they move the U.N. and implode the thing. I'll drive in there to watch that shit happen, I might even video tape it and watch it in slow motion over and over, laughing the whole time. My one dream is that we forget to tell the french diplomats to leave before we do it. "Oops. I thought you got that memo!" Sorry boys, the free money shack that is the U.S. is closing up, but if your interested, we're giving away bombs with no shipping cost. And from the way you WWII refugees i mean Europeans have been acting, it looks like your interested.
Both links courtesy of LGF.
Ann Coulter is making waves with her new book. So many people I read like her that they don't get links (nyah nyah) cuz I couldn't cover anybody. Some other people, like Glenn(no, the other Glenn) hate her. But nobody seems to be asking the all important question!
Yes, the age old, supposedly sexist(why though?) question. Would you bang her? So lets have a poll. Well shit, my comments are still broken(can't complain, the Klinks give me comments for free and I dunno how it works). So if they ever go back up, you can vote on the 2 versions of the question, in the format of yes/yes, yes/no, etc. If you want to vote before my comments come back, then just email me with the title Votes on the broad. So here we go:
Would you do Anne Coulter?
Would you do Anne Coulter if she wasn't famous?
My answers to these questions are yes/no.
See, I'm petty like that. And deep down, so are you.
Edit - Someone told me this is sexist because you wouldn't ask this kind of question about a male political figure. My answer to that is that every male political figure is ugly as sin, and even if you wanted to sleep with one of them, you shouldn't admit it. Its not my fault that women, on average, are much more attractive then men. But you know you woulda done Kennedy, so I don't wanna hear your shit.
Double Edit - Yes, this contest is open to women. If you find the questions offensive, then in front of both of them just put "If you were a man, " and then its fine again.
Triple Edit - If your a woman and you don't find the question offensive before you put "if you were a man, " in front of it, please attach a phone number to your votes.
Quadruple Edit - Just kidding don't tell my girlfriend.
Voting for Susie
Heres my vote for Susie in the new weblog showcase.
You should vote for her too, because she rules.
Thursday, June 26, 2003
Yeah, Okay Buddy
I just talked to a lawyer about some traffic tickets I have. I'm not a menace on the road or anything, but Nassau county has a really friggin slow court system(little help Michele?:)) So I have a court date to discuss the 7 tickets I have gotten since 2000. I know how that sounds, but don't worry: 2 are insurance tickets because I didn't have the card(I had insurance though), 1 is expired registration and 1 is expired inspection. 1 is failure to signal, and my excuse for that is that my car is a piece of shit and it has electrical problems. So that's only 2 real tickets over 4 years, and a bunch of administrative bullshit set up to bust my balls and milk me for some cash.
So I figure I'm screwed anyway, why not hire a lawyer to handle this for me. If 250 bux can save me a day in court and drop me down a great deal of points in the process, its worth it just in saved insurance fees. So I post my little tale on one of those online lawyer referral systems, cuz its only traffic court right? One guy is as good as another. The lawyer calls me up today, he was a real nice guy and all, tells me what he can do for me, and that I could probably do it myself but he would get me a better deal and I wouldn't have to show up in court. This makes Johnny a happy camper. Then its negotiation time.
For his part, he didn't try to sell me. I'll give him that. And i'm sure the fees for his services are not open to negotiation by him, as he is part of a firm and they have their standards which they do not deviate from. But this crazy son of a bitch asked me with a dead serious voice for one thousand dollars. Not a retainer, but a flat fee, regardless of time spent. A grand. 10 benjamin franklins. What are you, fuckin stupid!?! And don't take offense to this, Tiger, because I know you're an attorney, and probably a damn good one. But if you ever called somebody up and asked for a thousand dollars for 2 hours of easy, easy work, then you should be slapped a few times for good measure. Same goes for Glenn Reynolds and any other blogger who has a law degree. Why doesn't anyone respect your profession? Because of shit like this.
What's the difference between a lawyer and a catfish?
One's a scum sucking bottom dweller, and the other one is a fish.
A thousand dollars for a few traffic infractions. I'll just head out to the money tree in my back yard and pull down a branch or two, no problem. Oh well, I wonder what he'll say when he gets my $13,000 bill for the 6 minutes of my life he wasted on the phone with me. My time is valuable, you extortionist motherfucker. So I says to this guy, I says "Listen buddy. I was born at night, but it wasn't last night. The god damn car I was in isn't even WORTH a thousand dollars. So I'll make you a deal: you get every single ticket thrown out, and I'll give you the car." And he started laughing, like I was kidding or something. Big joke, mr. smart guy attorney. Now John is somewhat amused. "Oh you think that's funny? Well I got a joke for you that's really funny. Ready for it?"
"Sure" he says.
"So click and clack are on a boat, and clack jumped off. Who's left?"
And I hung up the phone. I wonder how long he sat there before he figured it out.
Now Will You Shut Your God Damn Trap?
Proof of WMD in Iraq Found
Nuclear Centrifuge. Equipment for Enriching Uranium, with absolutely no plausible other use. None. There's your god damn weapons of mass destruction. He wasn't lying, and you were 100% flat wrong about every single aspect of the entire Iraq war. Now shut your pie hole and accept the fact that Bush is a better leader than any Democrat out there today. There is no more discussion, no more speculation, no more moral equivalency. It's over. You lost. Now repeat after me: "I was wrong. Bush was right. He told the truth." Then sit down and shut the fuck up, a large platter of crow will be delivered shortly.
That is all.
Wednesday, June 25, 2003
Best Gift Ever
My girlfriend bought me the Band of Brothers DVD set for my birthday. I recommend owning this to everyone. I'm up to episode 6 right now, bastogne. I saw the whole series twice when it aired on HBO, and i'll watch it 10 more times. Its that good.
"Looks like you'll be completely surrounded in there, sir."
"We're paratroopers, son. We're supposed to be surrounded." - Captain Winters of Easy Company.
Step Two - Remove Head From Ass
Courtesy of The Emporer
"When I'm president, we'll do executive orders to overcome any wrong thing the Supreme Court does tomorrow or any other day," said Rep. Dick Gephardt of Missouri.
Man, Bush doesn't even have to campaign this year!
Tuesday, June 24, 2003
Step One - Remove Foot From Mouth
Courtesy of Sanity's Edge
BURLINGTON, Vt. - Presidential candidate Howard Dean is berating himself for saying he wanted to break into the country club of Democratic Party insiders.
The remark to Vermont reporters Monday came several days after Dean's 17-year-old son, Paul, was charged with aiding in a burglary at the Burlington Country Club.
This sounds like something I would do:)
Poor guy, he's gonna lose to revren' Al.
A Whole New Level of Marketing
It seems from now on, the Chicago Bears will not be the Chicago Bears, but rather Bears football presented by Bank One. Michele is not too happy about this idea, but I think this would be a great opportunity for teams to display the true nature of their teams through clever marketing choices. Maybe I can even convince Bill to have a contest to come up with the best team/corporation combination! And I'll definately win because I'm gonna steal all the good ones right now!
How great would it be to turn on the game one sunday and hear this:
"Buffalo Bills football as presented by Burger King, because second place is good enough for us!"
"The New York Jets, brought to you by Milk of Magnesia - guarenteed to shit the bed in the 4th quarter."
"The New York Rangers courtesy of Cablevision - Overpriced and underperforming for years."
"The New York Giants sponsored by Mentally Handicapped Americans Incorporated - Putting the "special" in special teams"
"Microsoft gives you the New York Yankees - All your best player are belong to us."
"The New York Mets From K-Mart - junkyard quality for retail prices."
"The New York Knicks via the WTC Reconstruction Fund - Because every year is a rebuilding year." (ok that was wrong)
"The New York Islanders, brought to you by Lucent Technologies - Who knew one small island could produce so much useless shit?"
I was gonna just keep it to the New York teams, but I can't help myself with this one:
"Worldcom proudly presents the Cincinatti Bengals - Don't worry, we'll fuck it up somehow."
So how's about a contest, Bill?
The Booby Traps Of Life
Now that I'm an older and more mature man of 23, I look back at the dumb kid I was a few days ago and chuckle at the misguided naivity of my youth, or some shit. Anyway, for a man of my age, the entire world is booby trapped. That's right, booby trapped. You can call it what you want: a scam, a quid pro quo, the fine print, or whatever clever label you want to slap on the booby traps that older, meaner people have laid out for you in an attempt to get your money. Here are just a few of the ones I have come across:
The Automatic Transmission - This is actually a rather ingenious piece of machinery, because of its dual application as a useful addition to an automobile and a booby trap for a young guy. An automatic transmission is perfect for old people, soccer moms, and those assholes who are always blabbing away on the cell phone or reading the paper while driving(yes, I have seen people read the paper while driving). But for a guy my age, you rip through this thing like that guy's hummer went through the crook's car. First of all, 23 year olds are mostly broke as a joke, and therefore own used automobiles. That means the transmission is probably already shot to shit in the first place, which is why that guy dumped the car on some poor sap like you for so cheap. Secondly, we like our speed up front, none of this two second delay from when you hit the pedal to when the engine actually revs. Finally, I don't like having a machine think for me, sometimes I like to let the gears twang out and run high, sometimes I like to go cheap on the gas(like when we are going to war with Iraq and its like 12 bux a thimbleful[random Simpson's quote: "My car gets 8 rods to the hogs head and gaul dangit that's the way I like it"]woah, got a little off track there). So yeah, an automatic transmission is a booby trap, and I urge anyone under the age of 40 to get a manual transmission. You may blow the clutch and be out a grand, but that's alot better than 10 g's when you inevitably make the car piss green.
The 0% Interest Credit Card - Buy now, pay later! No interest for 8000 months! Just a nominal fee of 500 dollars a day for holding the card, another standard transaction fee of 6 million each time you use it, and after 12 months the interest slightly and silently raises itself to 1/100th of a percent below what the government considers to be loansharking. But you already agreed to that stuff, because it was written on a piece of rice that was glued to the back of the contract that you signed when the Coors girl at the bar with the huge tits said she would give you a free hat if you just filled out this form and man, those things were HUGE. The hat fell apart when the rain hit it but you thought you saw part of her nipple so it was all worth it, right? Wrong, you moron, don't ever sign up for one of these things. The only credit card you should have is a debit card with a visa logo that automatically deducts from your account, or an American Express card. Why American Express? Because they don't charge you interest, just a small yearly fee, and if you don't pay up at the end of the month they just come take your stuff instead of charging you 38% interest on it. You may overspend your bounds with this thing, but you'll only do it once and you learn a valuable lesson quickly. Of course, the American Express Card comes with it's own booby trap cuz you have to be fuggin rich to qualify for one. So just borrow dad's credit card and don't come home after that weekend in atlantic city, you'll be better off.
Earn Money At Home With This Easy - It's a pyramid scheme. "But the first line of the letter says that 'THIS IS NOT A PYRAMID SCHEME'" (slap) That's because its a pyramid scheme, you fool. I don't care what it says, what it wants you to do; its a pyramid scheme. You'll never win. Tell you what, if you really want to do one of these, just send me the money, and I'll mail you a picture of my asshole. It's more return than you would get otherwise, because its a god damn pyramid scheme.
So Join Today, Membership Benefits Include... - ...us bending you over for 50 bux a year so that we can take your information and sell it to tele-marketers. In exchange, we'll send you catalogues full of shoddy merchandise for only 10% more than retail value, of which you are required to buy 1 item a month or your 50 dollar membership will be revoked.
401K - Don't bother, you're too young. You don't make any money, so your awesome 401k plan will be pathetically small and you still won't have any spending money. "But I'll get to retire earlier!" No, no you won't. You're gonna be working for at least another 30 or 40 years, which is plenty of time for some retard executive/stock broker to bankrupt all the companies you own stock in or just drive the portfolio into the ground so that he can get a few extra bucks on account transfer fees. 401k isn't for you unless you make more than 60 grand a year. And if you do make more than 60 grand a year, give me a fucking job. Seriously.
Rims, stereo, and anything else you want to do to your honda civic - Just save the money and buy yourself a nice car. That 10 grand you spent making your civic look like a lexus on acid could've gotten you a sober lexus in 2 years. And your car sounds like a weed whacker. No, it isn't really cool, it's really fucking stupid. Why not just put a neon sign on top of your car that says "I'm young and I don't have a lawyer. Pull me over!" Save the cash and get a nicer car, and keep it low profile for chrissakes.
More to come, as I notice them. This may become a weekly entry.
I'm Not As Clever As I Thought I Was
Ever just think you came up with something so clever, like oh, hypothetically speaking, the name of your weblog? And then one day you find out that your not so god damn smart after all because some dude who's last name is Balkin has a friggin blog called balkinization that has been up a hell of alot longer than yours and you probably saw it one time and subconsciously stole the friggin idea from the guy who is the real clever one and your just some two bit hack who stole someone else's good idea and tried to run with it so now you gotta think up a new name which is just not happening so you gotta run the risk of meeting up with this Balkin dude one day and having him crack you one in the grill for stealing his idea and hope he hits you in the left side of your face so that your nose breaks the other way and balances out and if your really lucky you won't have to make another visit to the torture chamber that is the plastic surgeon's office but not bloody likely cuz I bet he's jacked and shatters your nose into a billion little pieces and then the plastic surgeon will be working on you for hours but at least then you'll have something good to blog about instead of stupid shit like a sign at CVS and holy crap this is one really long run-on sentence its like James Joyce only stupid so maybe like James Joyce after 200 whippits or something but anyway I guess I technically stole the name from this guy named Balkin but I didn't do it intentionally and I'm not changing it so if I put him on my blogroll it's like the same as being even right well no not really so if I don't blogroll him maybe he will just never find out and I can go on riding his coattails to infamy unnoticed unless one of you bastards tell him about it or until one day you meet up with this Balkin dude and you already know where this goes so now it's like an infinite loop so I can stop typing cuz it already goes on forever so keep it real and don't steal or you'll end up eating prison meals.
Roll That Shit, Highlight That Shit, Click It
Seems to me that after a fisking, another right of passage in creating a blog is to write a post on how to make a good blogroll. So I'd like to take this opportunity to explain to all you plebians and peons on just how one should go about making a good, solid roll of blogs for your readers to enjoy:
1. Make a list of the blogs you read all the time.
2. Post the list on your blog in hyperlink form.
There you have it, folks.
New Look, Same Foul Stench!
Well I finally got off my arse and made me one of them purty blogrolls. I had to change the format of the page to get them where i wanted them to be, so I hope you like the new look of the slightly different, yet still standard and unaltered format. I think I broke the comments, though, so I'd like to take this opportunity to point out what a loser you are(yes, YOU) and how much I secretly loathe you. Unless the comments work, and then I was just kidding.
Monday, June 23, 2003
Act Of Attrition
Everyone at my office chipped in and got me a cheesecake for my birthday. I had to walk into the conference room and stand there while they sung "happy birthday" to me in the usual off-key tones of a crowd of random people. And as anyone who has experienced this knows, that is the longest 20 seconds of intense embarassment one can hope to acheive in such a setting. It was like torture, but with such good intentions that you have to just grin and bear it. It was really sweet of them; so sweet, in fact, that I didn't have the heart to tell them that i fucking hate cheesecake. So i sat there and forced down a slice of that nasty, spooge looking stuff with a crowd of people watching. I don't think I could handle this more often than once a year.
Stuff That Pissed Me Off This Weekend
It was a long weekend, and there was plenty of stuff I wanted to post about. So i'll just throw out the bare bones here and see what I like in a few hours, and maybe write a longer post on one of the topics:
1. CVS - I walk into a CVS and there's a sign that says they're hiring. On the bottom it says that they are an equal opportunity affirmative action employer. Uhm? Maybe I'm wrong, but don't you have to be either one or the other and not both!?! As I understand it, if you're equal opportunity then everyone gets judged by the same standards, and if you're affirmative action then you hire people of different races and sexes so that your staff's racial and genital status reflect the same percentage as the population as a whole. Yes, genital status. That's what it really comes down to, now doesn't it? You can only have so many dicks in one place, and they have to be multi-colored.
2. Lennox Lewis, Shut the fuck up - I'm tired of hearing this guy talk. You ain't Mohammed Ali, you ain't one of the greatest of all time, and you just barely squeeked out against a russian dude who was supposed to be a joke fight for you. You don't get to talk shit when you lose on all 3 score cards, just because the guy busted his face open. Especially since he was kicking your ass pretty good with only 1 eye. Shut your mouth and maybe lose some of that gut for the next fight and you won't get embarrased by a nobody from the Ukraine.
3. Crazy Russian Phd, why are you boxing? - I think this guy is a communist experiment from the 70's. He's 6'8, he has a twin brother, he has a Phd, and he was fighting for the world championship. Steriods can only get you so far man, i think this guy has an altered genome. It was like Rocky meets Twins, but both twins are Arnold Schwartzenagger[sic i think?].
4. Stop Picking on Mike Tyson - Okay, the man is a psycho. We all know it. So what in the world would make you follow him upstairs after he told you to leave him alone, then tell him you had a gun, and then hit him with a lead pipe? What the hell were you THINKING man!?! And lo and behold, Tyson drops you like a rock, because he's a psychopath and you're a drunken idiot who thinks a lead pipe would phase a man who was once heavyweight champion of the world. Tyson should sue THEM for damages, but we all know Mike is gonna have to pay up a plenty, just cuz he's Tyson. Shit like that pisses me off like you wouldn't believe. At some point, the guy has to defend himself. The two fools who decided to bum rush him should be shot under darwinian law - Rule #1 is don't start a fight you can't win, you stupid son of a bitch!
5. Kile - This is a touchy one, so don't take it the wrong way. It is a terrible tragedy what happened to that man (died in his sleep last year, 33 years old, left a wife and 4 or 5 young kids). A terrible tragedy. Over 100 American men and women died in a similarly tragic circumstance, many of whom left a wife and children father/husbandless as well. At least Kile left them with financial security. The men and women who died serving our country get a funeral check for like 50 grand and have a nice life kiddo, thanks for the hand, love Uncle Sam. And they get 10 seconds of their name scrolling on the bottom of Fox News, at 4 am going 35 mph. Kile's wife gets a 20 minute spot on a nationally syndicated sports show that runs all day and all night. All i'm saying is that if we can pay homage like this to a baseball player who died of natural causes, where is the god damn respect for the men and women who died fighting the fucking war!?! Yeah yeah, a billion dollars for AIDS in africa, 6 billion for Egypt for just being there, but sorry to the U.S. Army we can't afford to pay your medicare cuz we gave all the money to the country we just sent you in to destroy. Get your shit together Bush, and get your priorities straight. It's stuff like this that makes people vote for democrats, and I don't want to have to move to Canada when Al Sharpton gets elected.
6. The friggin weather - Yeah yeah, nobody cares. But its rained 39 of the past 41 days here, and its been sunny most of the day for the past 5 friggin mondays. I really am starting to believe that the government has secretly learned to control the weather, and this year they are just off by like 2 days, because if today was saturday instead of monday, this would've been the 5th straight beautiful weekend. Instead, its the 5th straight week you want to either quit your job or kill yourself cuz your tired of looking at the only spot of sun you'll see this week as you trek from your car to your office.
7. 5 bucks a beer and you can't smoke inside - Dear New York State Government,
Go Fuck Yourself.
Signed, every smoker in the state.
8. Memory - I had more shit to whine and complain about, but now I can't remember cuz my memory sucks. So this will be the end of the whining and complaining for today. More bitching later.
Lileks Doesn't Know What He's In For
I went to read the bleat today and I saw this at the top of it:
"National programming note: Hugh Hewitt will be throwing softballs at my head on his national radio show at 5:20 PM Central Time."
I e-mailed him. I tried to warn him. If any of you have any kind of correspondance with this man, get his attention. He's gonna end up like my stupid ass. He doesn't know what he's getting into I tells ya, or else he would never do it!
(If you don't know what im talking about, just scroll down. )
Who's Up After Todd Zeile?
The other team.
Or at least that's how the old baseball addage goes. The former met turned yankee is a notorious in my neck of the woods for choking with the game on the line. I'll cut to the chase: this guy sucks. So when he came up in the 9th inning with the mets up a run, I didn't even want to watch. Talk about a perfect victim, Todd Zeile is batting .200 this year (riding the Mendoza line), he is 0 for his last 20(saturdays homerun and single didn't count cuz of the rainout) and he is the only guy on the yankees who is slower than Don Zimmer. I mean seriously, this guy gets thrown out at first from left field. So what does Armondo Benitez do when he gets up? Walks him on 4 pitches. I swear to god i thought i was watching Major League.
"Juuuuuuuust a bit outside, ball 12. How are guys laying off pitches this close?"
Benitez walked 4 batters in the 9th inning. That's as many walks as David Wells has given up this year. So the Yankees tied the game without getting a hit, and we go on to the 11th inning, where the Yankees once again get the bases walked full for them, and then finally manage to get a friggin hit. They scored 4 runs on 2 hits, that's one of the most pathetic stats I have ever heard.
It was an ugly win, but I'll take it. Mariano Rivera got player of the game, but it shoulda gone to Benitez for handing the yankees the win. For real man, Todd Zeile is up with a man on first, you could put the ball up on a tee and the guy would still hit into a double play. Ugly, ugly loss for the mutts tonight. And how Cliff Floyd strikes out to a guy who's best pitch is a change up is beyong me. Is it really that hard to sit on a 65 mph meatball over the middle of the plate? I guess it is, cuz these guys can't manage to do it. I could go on for hours about everything that went wrong in this game, but it can all be summed up with one factual statement:
Gibson got picked off in the 11th inning, on 2nd base.
He's probably cleaning out his locker as I type this. Absolutely pathetic.