Collinization
Thursday, July 03, 2003
 
Further Proof That I Am An Idiot

We close at one today,
So i'll go out and play,
But there's a rain delay,
So I just have to say,

I hate my diety,
He has it in for me,
It rains each day you see,
Because God had to pee,

I'll have to stay inside,
Or drive my shitty ride,
It's dented on the side,
But I still drive with pride,

The new car's not ready,
Life likes to shit on me,
I blame the sales lady,
And fucking Hillary,

Its all so very gay,
I signed the papers in May,
I forgot one, they say,
But they told me today.

That's right its now July,
What is your alibi?
You do not have to lie,
You just checked on the fly.

So I say fuck you to,
cuz its the thing to do,
You fucking stupid shrew,
This came out of the blue,

Cuz your a fucking knob,
and you cant do your job,
I should've asked for Bob,
Instead of some dumb slob.

I'll never get this car,
Instead I'll hit the bar,
And drink the downpayment,
And then sniff rubber cement.

Happy 4th of July,
I hope the salesbitch dies,
And then i'll laugh, not cry,
the song is over, buh bye.



 
Shit You Should Buy

Here's some stuff that you need to own in order to be cool like me. If you buy it I won't make any money though, so this isn't a scam. This is just some shit that I like that might amuse you as well.

Album of the week: Operation Ivy - The origin of modern punk rock. Don't beleive me? Check it out. Leans a bit to the left in its political context, but its really good shit here. I especially like tracks #9 and #24 this week.

Movie of the week: Old School - This movie is fucking hysterical. Low brow humor at its best.

Awesome Toy of the week: The Car Im Getting Saturday - Don't buy this, because mine will be cooler since it will be rare. In silver, not the black, but they don't have a picture of the silver one. Im fuckin psyched.

Now go forth and spend, ye capitalist pigdogs!

Wednesday, July 02, 2003
 
They Finally Did It

They finally went and did it. I saw a commercial for a tape last night, that can be boiled down to one word: tits. It was a film of the 30 sexiest movie moments, which is code for 30 shots of female actresses showing their racks on screen. After girls gone wild and all the other stupid videos that tried to hide the real product(tits) behind some other gimmick, they finally cut through all the bullshit and gave the people what they want, which is cleavage, and lots of it.

I personally think this is a great idea. No more making 2 million men see a shitty movie for 2 minutes of action. No more girls gone wild bullshit. Just tits, on camera. 20 seconds of tits, flash to a new girl, more tits. It may be smut, but its honest. Thats what people want, and thats what people get. If only certain other aspects of the media could adopt this policy, we would all be better off. Just show us the tits please, and leave the other bullshit behind.

Tuesday, July 01, 2003
 
Carnival of the Vanities

Its up, and im in it. If your reading this though, you probably also read my submission. Good job. If you haven't, then I will twist off yer head and spike it on to the horns of a nightmare you can't even imagine unless you exit this quadrant immediately!


Its ova hea now!
 
Canada Day

I learned something new today! Thanks to Bill, I now know that today, July 1st, is Canada day. So im gonna ditch out of work, build an igloo, and go ice fishing for penguins, as is Canadian tradition.

But seriously folks, lets take a long, hard look at Canada. What do they have that's good there? Well, they have beer. I don't particularly care for LaBatte's or Molson, but many customers at the beverage center I used to work at did. Hell I even drank it myself a few times, before my boss told me the dirty little canadian secret:

In Canada, they don't recycle glass; they refill the bottles. So when you return your nasty bottle of molson ice with 12 cigarette butts and a used condom inside of it, it gets shipped up to Canada where it is washed out with soap and cold water, and then relabeled, refilled, and shipped back here for you to drink.

It's a good thing they have universal healthcare in Canada, what with all that VD going around in the beer bottles. So kick back a few blue ones for Canada day, but don't act surprised when you get those sores around your lip in 2 weeks. Deep down, you already know what it is.

 
Throw Bricks at Best Buy

Over the weekend my drier blew up. Unfixable, so we had to get another one. It was old, so not really a big surprise there. So my parents go down to best buy, and they find the dryer that matches the washing machine we bought last year(why they have to match I'll never understand) and set it up to have it delivered. All in all it was pretty painless. And come monday they brought it right over to the house, dragged it up the stairs for us, and installed it. The service guys didn't even take the 20 bux we left for them on the counter, for some strange reason. Hell even if there was a company rule about tips, I woulda pocketed that shit anyway, but that's just me. I wonder how much you get paid to install dryers; I would imagine that it isn't very much, which is why I can't understand how you don't pocket a free 20 when you have the chance. Whatever, that has nothing to do with it.

So they install the dryer and leave. My parents get home to find their new dryer, and they are happy to give it its first run. Turn on the switch and...nothing happens. But its brand new, how could it not work? Oh of course, because it isn't plugged in. Why isn't it plugged in? Because fucking best buy sells the power cord to the dryer separately from the god damn dryer! WTF!?! And if that isn't bad enough, the salesman forgot to even mention that part to my parents. So after all that shit they had to drive over to best buy and buy a fucking power cord for the dryer. Holy stupid shit batman! You gotta have a set of steel balls to sell someone a 300+ dollar appliance and sell them the power cord separately. What kind of corporate nickel and dime bullshit is that!?! What if you bought a new car, and when you picked it up the salesman said "Yeah, so do you want to buy a battery for your new car?" A power source is not fucking optional equipment. Its the kind of thing that makes you want to go to best buy and wrap the 15 dollar power cord around the store manager's neck a couple of times, and beat him in the face with the plug. Or maybe just walk around the computer section with a high powered magnet in your pocket. Not that it would do anything; the hard drives aren't in the computers because they're sold separately!
I don't think i'm going to shop at worst purchase anymore. Stupid shit like that is how you know a company is going to try to screw you over every chance they get. That's why I miss the Wiz. You walked in there with the full knowledge that everything was going to work perfectly when you bought it, because they already screwed you over on the price to begin with. Sure everything was 20-100 dollars more at the Wiz then it costs at Bust Buy, but you knew everything would be in the box when you got home. All I'm saying is that worst purchase is lucky they delivered the dryer; if i woulda had to drag that shit up a flight of stairs with my dad and his bad back, only to find out that they gipped me on the fucking power cord when I got there, I would probably still be at county lock up for aggrevated assault on an appliance clerk. What can I say; I love the sound of heatshrink and copper wire whipping against bare flesh. If that makes me weird, then I guess im weird. Well, actually that is pretty weird. Forget I said that. Carry on.

 
Bad Things, Man

Something big is going down in my little corner of hell i mean suburbia. On my way to work today at least 5 cops blew by me with the lights and sirens blaring, and there was a police chopper circling the train station about 40 feet off the ground. If you think people rubberneck bad at an accident, you should see what these idiots are doing when there's a god damn chopper flying over their heads. People were coming to a dead fucking stop and just staring at the thing. That's the most amusing part about it to me, is they were looking at the helicopter. Hey retard, the helicopter is looking at the ground, that's why he's up there. I guess these people were waiting for FBI ninjas to drop out of the chopper on zip lines with m-16's and smoke bombs and shit. "They had nunchucks, they was doin indian burns...". None of that happened, and I'm probably gonna go home and find out they were tracking down some kids who were putting pennies on the railroad tracks or some shit like that(my tax dollars hard at work). But at least now I can have a fun day of speculating about the foiled nuclear attack on a worthless little speck of a town in the middle of a worthless little speck of an island that just happens to be near a giant fucking city. Cuz when it comes down to it, thats all Long Island is; a glacial dingleberry that landed next to manhattan. Nothing bad will ever happen here because it is an insignificant place. But we got police choppers, so there!

 
O'Doyle Rules!

I'm big time now. It turns out im a flappy bird over at the Truth Laid Bear, whatever the fuck that means.

Monday, June 30, 2003
 
Return of the Mac

I made my triumphant return to the softball field on friday. Didn't play the field, went 2 for 6 and reached on an error. Today we had a make up double header, and I returned to my old home at second base, at the same field where I flashed the gold glove for 13 stitches and a cast. Good times, good times. We played against this little italian guy with a huge mustache, so everyone on my team was singing the song from Super Mario Brothers the whole game, it was absolutely hysterical but you had to be there so its not too funny on my blog here, oh well. So yeah, I get to the game today and they wanted me to play catcher. If your unfamiliar with softball, the catcher doesnt wear any equipment. So yeah, thats where I want to be a month after cracking my face open is behind the plate, where the action is. I ixnayed that shit right away, and got in at 2nd base on the second game of the doubleheader(every game is a doubleheader). First pitch of the first inning im out there, a guy hits a line drive right at my face. I caught it, as it was a routine play, but everyone on our side of the bench sighed at exactly the same time when I did. They have no faith in me, I swear. Of course, they all then erupted, and like 12 people in unison shouted, "You're my boy blue!", so if you haven't seen Old School yet you don't get the reference...so go fucking rent it its hysterical! So yeah, I survived the game at 2nd this time, i went 3 for 7 with a walk and i reached 2x on errors. We've won the last 4 games, so we're on a bit of a tear. Not that you care, but that shit rhymes so whats up now!?!!

 
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