Friday, July 11, 2003
Quiet Down You Old Codgers!
I keep seeing on blogs like A Small Victory and Gut Rumbles, all the old folk are bitching about Nike buying Converse. Oh boo hoo, no more chuck taylors. Who gives a shit.
Chuck Taylors are old and ugly. Sure, they were great in the movie, Sandlot, but that's about all of a shit people give about them anymore. Do you buy Chuck's anymore Michele? Acidman? Cuz I sure as hell don't, and neither do people who are younger than me. Maybe that's why they are closing up shop and selling out to Nike?
Some conservatives you guys are. Big dog eats little dog, the strong survive, the invisible hand. That's the economy, wankers, and nobody buys those shitty, ugly sneakers with poor ankle support cuz they are outdated pieces of crap. That, and having Larry Johnson wear a dress as a marking ploy was a bad idea, but I digress.
Basically, if you wanted your friggin converse so bad, you shoulda fucking bought them before they went bankrupt. Oh wait, Michele does buy them, so I guess this is just for you then acidman. Converse made shitty sneakers, so converse don't make no sneakers no more. You don't hear me crying about how bad your generation fucked everything up for my generation(DWI laws, drug enforcement, social security, pollution, socialism) so I don't want to hear your shit about some fucked up looking sneakers. So just go get in your 64 corverre, drive down to the only converse store in the fucking state, and buy some shitty sneakers; (better get alot cuz they only last about 2 weeks) you can put them next to the dinosaurs and the smoking section in the extinct category. And that will be the end of it.
Fuck Converse. Everyone knows new balance is the shit anyways.
Susie needs help with a paper on the leadership skills of Ulysees S. Grant, so here it is!
The Leadership Skills of Ulysees S. Grant
Ulysees S. Grant was a big fat drunk. An alcoholic, if you will. Mr. Grant drank so much and so often that it was rumored he could no longer stop drinking, as his body had began to use alcohol as a substitute for water and the withdrawal symptoms would kill him. But Grant was not a happy, fun drunk, as most alcoholics are not. Grant was a mean spirited, angry drunk. Some think that this was a negative trait; but I contend that without Grant's raging alcoholism, we would not have been able to win the civil war.
At the time of the civil war, Grant was leading the north into battle. They were invading the south, and the men in the army were coming to conquer, and not to defend. As both sides were American, their superior ability at everything cancelled itself out, leaving only a battle of wills to decide the outcome. With the southerners fighting for their homes, and the northerners with little more than ideology and free hookers to drive them, it was decided that the south was more likely to emerge victorious. This is where we see the true leadership of Ulysees S. Grant come into play.
Being a nasty and angry drunk, Grant was no pleasure to work with. He often tortured and beat his troops, using cattle prods and other electonic devices like invisible fence collars; sometimes an old fashion glass-bottle-to-the-head-and-stab-you-in-the-throat-with-the-shards was also employed. After witnessing these tactics(unorthodox at the time, but now a staple in any modern military), his troops were filled with renewed vigor, because dying to a slave owning bastard was nothing compared to what that fucking drunk would do to you if you tried to run. Because of this, Grant led the north to victory, and went on to become president.
Grant was a great president when it came to foreign affairs. His policy was stated simply, "If you mess with me, I'll fucking kill you." It was usually followed by a slug off a large jug with three X's across it. Europeans, being weak and effimate, feared the angry, drunken rage of U.S. Grant, and often appeased his every desire to avoid his wrath. The rest of the world still lived in caves and huts at this time, so with the Europeans cowed, America moved into a position of world dominance.
Surprising to racist bastards everywhere, Grant was in fact not of Irish descent. He did tend to favor Irish Whiskey though, which is believed to be the source of his unending murderous rage. By staggering around like a drunken fool and scaring the shit out of effimate foreigners, Grant showed his strong leadership characteristics. That is why Ulysees S. Grant will be remembered as one of the greatest leaders of our time; he showed America that intelligence only makes you more likely to be scared shitless of stupid drunks with guns, and that has been our foreign policy ever since.
Peace in the Middle East in Just 1 Easy Step
I'm tired of hearing Palestinian leaders talking about how they are adhering to the peace negotiations, and then 12 seconds later a bomb goes off in Israel. You're full of shit people, and your not fooling anyone. There's only one way to guarantee the peace in Israel, and I'm about to lay it on you right now.
What you do, is you round up all of those palestinian leaders; Arafat, his puppet, and whichever Mohammed is leading Hamas and Islamic Jihad(and believe me, they all have Mohammed somewhere in their names) and you sit them down. You take them and you tell them that every day, one of them is going to ride busses around Israel all day. And every day, a different one of them is going to do it. No prior warning, no finding out which bus they are on, they just get taken and stuffed into a bus and they ride around Israel all day on the bus. I bet you the bombing stops immediately.
Oops, I did it again
Oh sweet irony, do you never rest? Remember that rich slut who backed into like 12 people in the Hamptons last year, and then fled the scene, and did absolutely no time cuz she is a rich fucking cunt with a cake life? Well, the South Hampton fire department was openly mocking her during their parade this year, as they should, every year forever more, and they ran over an 8 year old boy. Too funny for commenting. The truly ironic part of this whole incident, however, is that I am sure that the fireman who was driving the golf cart will receive worse punishment for hitting the kid, then that stupid whore who drunkenly crushed 12 people against a wall and fled the scene. That's the sad truth of America folks.
Courtesy of Business Casual, who's getting blogrolled cuz he's cool.
Worst Names Ever
The Cleveland Indians have some of the worst named athletes in the history of sports. You have to feel bad for these guys, you know they got their asses kicked almost every day when they were kids. How cruel do you have to be to name your kid Milton Bradley? That's just so wrong. And he isn't even the worst on the team! They got a guy out there, who's real, on-your-birth-certificate name is Cocoa Crisp. Fucking cereal. Man, that has to hurt. I hear they are close to signing Captain Crunch to reinforce the bullpen.
The Rediculousness of Sports Media
Look, I like baseball and football and hockey, and not so much basketball but its okay. It's entertaining stuff, fun to watch, fun to play. But this shit has just gotten way out of hand. The amount of media attention that is focused on professional sports these days is just fucking rediculous. There's like 8 all sports news channels. Half of almost every newspaper is dedicated entirely to sports coverage. And because of that, you get a need for stories, all the time, no matter what happened. That leads us to some real interesting stuff on TV, let's review some of the huge news stories going on in sports these days:
The Colorado D.A. is still thinking about whether or not he might charge Kobe Bryant with sexual assault, but won't decide till next week.
This is big fucking news!?! John Ashcroft is still thinking about if he is going to wipe his ass with his left hand or his right hand, but he doesn't have to take a shit till tomorrow. I mean seriously people, what the fuck. It's not like anything will ever come of this, except Kobe writing a big fat check to some blonde in Colorado who he probably didn't do anything to, but its Kobe Bryant so she can extort him a little bit and the rest of us will cheer her on. And then in a week, someone will turn it into a race thing because Kobe is black, when we all know its really a celebrity thing cuz the guy is famous and rich. Then Al Sharpton will give Kobe a big hug and Jesse Jackson will call for a million men to march to Colorado, and 12 people will show up in a tart cart. All because some stupid trick told the cops that Kobe grabbed her tit, and there was nothing else good happening that day. And you know what, this is hard news compared to the other story going around these days, the fucking sausage race.
The Brewers have 4 idiots run around the field during the 7th inning stretch dressed like sausages(insert freudian joke here). Its a bush league stunt to entertain the little kids. So one time, a player hits one of the sausages with a bat as they go by, goofing around. I have seen mascotts tackled, punched, kicked, wrestled with. Its all part of the show, folks. But this god damn sausage happened to fall down after the guy hit her with the bat, so they arrested the fucking player for assault and its been the lead story on sportscenter for like 2 days now. How are you gonna drag this guy out of the stadium in cuffs? I bet there were at least 5 fights in the stands during this game, and no arrests were made. But when reporters have nothing to write about, a mascott falling down becomes the next fucking O.J. Simpson trial. What if your kid was playing tag with another kid, and the other kid fell down? Would you call the friggin cops? Get the news 4 chopper on the scene!?! For chrissakes, its time for a little cut-back in the sports media department. When shit like this is carrying the lead on an hour long news show, somebody needs to get fired, pronto.
Thursday, July 10, 2003
BAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHHAHAHA ok you get it. This is the funniest fucking thing I've seen in years. IN YEARS, I tell you! What a story! Its almost worth serving the time just to be able to tell people you did it! Holy shit dude, that's all I have to say. For the rest, I turn you over to Glenn.
Wednesday, July 09, 2003
Im looking over my blog here, and I haven't had a good post in like almost a week now. Man that sucks for you guys. Keep reading though, im sure ill do something stupid eventually.
Fuck Frank J.
Frank J., mr. big toughguy says that everybody has to link to him today or else there's going to be punishment. Something about him popping his cherry a year ago today, I'm not really sure. But I don't like when people tell me what to do, so thats why I'm all like Fuck Frank J., I ain't linking to him.
Tuesday, July 08, 2003
I lost 258 pounds in 18 seconds!
Using the new Billates method. I recommend this program to anyone, whether you need to lose weight or not.
The Acidman 25
Everybody else is doing it, so I have to do it to look cool. (shit, thats how i started smoking).
So yeah, Acidman has a 25 question list for one and all, so here goes:
1. Do you have a personal hero? If so, who is it?
Lenny Dykstra. Yes, I'm a Yankee fan. But you gotta love a guy like Rusty Nails, the guy was a great talent, tough as, well, nails, and played as hard as anyone I've ever seen. Juan Samuel is just one reason they call you the Mutts.
2. What is your favorite book of all time and what made it so fucking good?
Breakfast of Champions, by Kurt Vonnegut. Just read it, and you'll understand.
3. What does "diversity" mean to you?
To me, diversity means we are giving the job to some minority who is less qualified than you, but thanks for trying, silly cracker boy.
4. What is the wildest thing you've ever done?
I once did a belly flop off the 2nd story of my school into a mound of snow of unkown depth. It wasn't so wild after I lived, but it coulda been 6 inches of snow for all I knew at the time. 10 bux is 10 bux!
5. Do you regret doing it?
Yeah, I shoulda re-negotiated.
6. Can you drive a stick shift?
Yes. Can you operate a screw driver?
7. What's the highest speed you ever traveled in a car?
170 mph riding, 123 mph driving.
8. Were you driving, or riding at the time?
Riding in an NSX, driving a convertable chrystler le baron.
9. Which is better: snakes or spiders?
Spiders. Easier to kill, and more fun to torture.
10. What is the most disgusting thing you ever ate?
11. Have you ever shit your pants? Be HONEST!
Everyone shit their pants consistently for the first 2 years of their life.
12. Was losing your virginity an enjoyable experience?
I dunno, but waking up to a strange face in bed next to me wasn't.
13. Should oral sex be outlawed or encouraged?
Encouraged. Unless it would offend an old lady in Idaho, then we should ban it.
14. Name one man with a fine ass.
15. Do you watch golf on television? If not, will you iron my shirts?
Yes, and I don't even iron my own shirts. Fuck you buddy, I don't do dry cleaning.
16. Who is Martha Burk?
Who the hell cares?
17. If you could change one thing about yourself, what would it be?
I'd straighten my god damn nose. Not that im bitter.
18. Do you eat raw oysters?
Oh hell no. The fuck is wrong with you?
19. Are you claustrophobic?
Sort of. I can handle being in a small space, as long as I know I can leave. Like being in a closet for 3 hours wouldn't bother me, but if the door was locked I would bug out.
20. If you rode a motorcycle, would you wear a helmet even if the law said you didnâ€˜t have to?
I wouldn't ride one of those fucking death traps. You couldn't pay me enough.
21. Name five great Presidents.
Washington, Jefferson, Lincoln, Jackson, Kennedy
22. Name three shitty Presidents.
Carter, LBJ, Coolidge. What the fuck did Coolidge ever do for anyone, huh!?!
23. Now call me fanny and slap my ass. Just kidding.
Shut the fuck up, Donny, you're out of your element.
24. This is the 4th of July. Did you set off any fireworks?
You know it. I blew shit up like I was riding a bus in Israel. Oh man, that was cold. Luckily, most of you won't read down this far.
25. If you could have dinner and conversation with anyone in the history of the planet, who would you choose?
Your mother, with that fine ass. But honestly, I'd like to have dinner with the indian chief who sold Manhattan to us crackers. Just so I could ask him, "What were you thinking!?!"
Monday, July 07, 2003
Any Golfers out there?
Okay im sure its probably impossible to teach someone how to golf over the internet, but i'm really getting frustrated here. I hit a pitching wedge about 100 yards every time, which is about as far as a pitching wedge will go as far as i can tell. But the higher I go in clubs, the less the ball travels. I hit my 3 iron about 170-180 yards, which is from what i hear about 40 yards short of where it should be going. I hit a 5 iron about 150 yards, again well short of the distance it should be going. Now, if I also hit the pitching wedge like shit, it would make sense to me that the other clubs are falling short, but the pitching wedge is going about the right distance. So what the fuck am I doing wrong that im losing so much power with the lower clubs? Bueller?
Who brought the asshole?
I had a very nice fourth of July, and I hope all of you did as well. Barbeque, beer, mortars and bocce ball, it was all great stuff. But I still haven't heard about that guy. You all know who I'm talking about here. As an American, it is my god given right to read the news on the monday after the fourth of july, and read about some stupid fuck who lit a mortar that didn't go off. It's the same thing every year; the guy walks over to the tube, and like the brilliant rocket scientist that he is, decides to look down the tube to see why it didn't go off. And at this point, the mortar always goes off and blows the poor bastard's face off. It happens every year. So who was it this year? A pollock in Missouri? Some drunk mick in Texas? I'm counting on you, my loyal reader, to direct me to the post about that guy. And please, everyone who reads this; next year, don't be that guy.
So yeah, first person who directs me to the story about the asshole and the mortar tube gets 10 points. And i'll give 3 points to the first person who directs me to the story about the kid who blew up an M-80 in his hand and lost his fingers.
DISCLAIMER: Points cannot be exchanged for anything and have no monetary value.
Laughing At Death
So as you can tell by my awesome song down there, I didn't get my friggin car this weekend. So I was still driving my 1990 p.o.s. this morning when I headed out to work. I live on a main road, and I have to back out of my driveway onto it each morning. It's really not that hard once you get used to it, but it does require the ability to slow and stop your car. So as I backed toward the road today and began to slow down, I heard a nasty crunching sound coming from the rear of my car, and my brake pedal went all the way to the floor, but low and behold, the car was still careening backward. So off I go blindly into the road, emergency brake squealing away. I casually observe the brown puddle in my driveway, representing the fluid that used to be in my brake line. That's not good. I finally come to a stop, only blocking one lane of traffic. After a deep sigh of relief, I look over to my right and I almost wet my pants; about 4 inches away from my window is the grill of a semi. For some reason, I found this hysterically funny, and I sat there laughing for a while. The trucker comes over to my car, and man was this guy pissed. So I get out and he's yelling and screaming, but I just point over to my driveway at the puddle of brake fluid. He looks over and then says to me, "Holy shit. You could've died, man." Well no shit. So he helps me push the thing back into my driveway, shakes my hand and goes on his way. Good times, good times.