Saturday, July 19, 2003
Here's The Deal

No, I'm not in jail. My girlfriend is fine, well as fine as you can be considering her situation. She's healing up well and is in good spirits. Her brother won't get out until monday, which is why I'm not in jail for aggrevated assault. By request of my girlfriend and her parents, he doesn't get the old 7 iron to the dome. At least not for a few months till shit cools down, anyway. That's the last your gonna hear about this on my blog here, but everything's fine, everyone's going to be okay and the damage isn't permanent. Thank you all for your good wishes and stuff, it's appreciated. Regularly scheduled blogging shall continue.

Thursday, July 17, 2003
If Blogging Is Light...

..for the next few days its because I'm in the county lock up for aggrevated assault. My girlfriend's brother introduced her face to pavement last night and the results weren't pretty. This kid's lucky the cops came and took him away before I got my hands on him. So yeah, Tiger, is "he had it coming" a good enough defense for aggrevated assault with a 7 iron? So pissed right now. This kid is dead.

Wednesday, July 16, 2003
I was just checkin the specs on the rotary ger...I'm retarded.

Or so says Bill, who is in rare form today, even for him. Go and check it out, its funny stuff. And no sexually harassing his 15 year old reader, cuz I already did that and if you did too it would be repetitive.

Edit - Forget that. Whatever you do, do not visit Bill's site or find him amusing in any way shape or form. Ever. Me and Bill are going head to head in that moron Frank J.'s contest, so I have plenty of time for dirty underhandedness and chicanery. Whatever the fuck that means.
Why Dell Kicks Ass

My girlfriend bought a Dell the other day. She ordered it on the last day of a deal they were having, where they upgraded the monitor to a 16" flatpanel for free. They said it would be shipped on the 21st, but it arrived on the 15th instead. It turns out that the computer she ordered is not expandable; there's no room to add other drives, and it only came with a DVD-ROM; no CD burner, no floppy drive. She was more than a bit upset about this, but the real horror was having to deal with customer service and get the thing mailed back. We've all had to deal with customer service before, and we all know its a headache waiting to happen. So I get her prepared to fight with these people and bitch and moan and ask for supervisors and stuff, and then I go to play softball and she calls Dell. She tells me the results today, and it went something like this:

She told the lady on the phone that she didn't want the computer because it wasn't expandable, and you can't tell from their website that the computer isn't expandable. She says she wants to buy another computer. The lady talks to her for a while, and the result is this: She keeps the free upgrade on the monitor, even though the offer expired. She eats the shipping cost to have it sent the first time, and the shipping cost to send the computer back. She buys a new computer, with the new buying incentive, which is a 150 dollar rebate and free shipping.

Yes, you read that correctly. She got the upgrade monitor incentive, the free shipping incentive, and the 150 dollar rebate and she only bought one computer. The rebate almost covers the cost of the shipping, and the rest is more than absorbed in the free monitor upgrade. That's some serious customer service right there, and you can bet the next time she buys a computer it's gonna be from Dell. Hell, next time I buy a computer its gonna be from Dell; with service like that, how can you go wrong? My HP is nice but it took an hour to get a real person on the phone when I had a problem with it, and every 2 weeks or so an HP advertisement pops up off my menu bar and it can't be turned off. What a fucking scam; I pay you 700 bux for a computer and then you make me watch your god damn commercials on it? Fuck you buddy, i'm getting a Dell.
Just Cuz I'm Pissed..

...I'd like to point out that the umpire who didn't know the rules got paid enough to take a family of four to a baseball game. And he didn't know the rules. How do I know that? Cuz I read Glenn's article. You should go read it too, its pretty good. And give him some feedback, he's trying to polish himself up for a writing career. Soon, I'll be fisking him instead of linking to him. And that will be awesome.

Edit - Hmm, maybe I should fisk this article and call it constructive criticism! If it's a slow afternoon, be ready...


Im still a kid by most standards (23 years old), so forgive me, my older and wiser readers, as this is a revelation that has just recently dawned on me, and i'm not too happy about having to accept it. The whole fucking planet is incompetant. Nobody told me that in school, I guess I was sick that day.

Last night we were playing softball in a huge game that had playoff implications. In the 6th inning, a guy on the other team hits the ball onto the roof of the school in right field, and the umpire rules it a home run. But if you go to the official rulebook on the official website of the official jerk-off softball league I'm in, it clearly states in bold letters that any ball hit onto the roof of the school is a ground rule double. The umpire justified his call because the manager's never discussed the ruling before the game. Well, asshole, we didn't discuss it, because ITS IN BIG BOLD LETTERS IN THE FUCKING RULEBOOK YOU GOD DAMN RETARD. Not that I'm bitter.

Look, I expect certain things from certain people. I expect a judge to know the law. I expect a lawyer to abuse and interpret the law in any way possible if it will benefit his client. And for chrissakes I expect a god damn umpire to know the rules of the game he is calling. People tell me that I expect too much from people; when all I expect is that they be competant at their job, whatever that job may be. This umpire got paid 120 bux for 2 hours of work, and he doesn't even know the fucking rules to the game. That's completely unacceptable, I don't care how you look at it.

When I make a mistake, I fess up to it. I don't expect to be chided for it, because we all make mistakes. But if I were a chef and I didn't know how to cook beef, I would expect to be fired. If I was a judge and I didn't know the law, I would expect to be disbarred and never allowed to practice again. And if I was an umpire and I didn't know the god damn rules, I wouldn't expect to be calling alot of games. Is that really too much to ask?

edit - I have plenty of other examples of this, but i'm not posting them on the internet for reasons you should understand. But fuck that umpire.

Tuesday, July 15, 2003
That's What You Get!

(nelson)Ha-ha!(/nelson) Frank J. had a hoop jumping contest all planned out, and it got so many hits it crashed his site. That's what you get for exploiting people for your own amusement!(i'm still in the contest, right?)
I'm A Poet, and I Didn't Even Think That I Was But I Am

Big Pimpin

By: E-Z Free AKA Freemont Penderhues

Damn it feels good to be a gansta,
Drinkin 40's and slappin my hoes,
I even had a thugged out pitbull,
Till' the dog ate my mother's toes.

The bitch never saw that shit comin'
She was twistin out one of my bros,
Killer saw it and got kind of excited,
So the dog ate my mother's toes.

In da hood we got this old sayin,
It comes just as fast as it goes,
But nobody told the damn pitbull,
And the dog ate my mother's toes.

I dragged it outside and I shot it,
And now the whole neighborhood knows,
That it's barbequed pitbull for dinner,
cuz the dog ate my mother's toes.

We skinned it and cooked on a spigget,
And ate it with ketchup and mayo,
I ate dog, now i'm a cannibal,
cuz the dog ate my mother's toes.

Word to your cousin.

It all makes sense, once you go here.
Why I Don't Respect Liberals

I work with this guy. He's a really cool guy actually, led a very interesting life. He was like a hippie before they had hippies, a beatnik or whatever you want to call them. Grew up in the 50's, was in his 20's for the 60's, big into music and liberalism and pissing off the man; he's a great guy actually. Yesterday we were shooting the shit outside, and he told me about this girl he was trying to sleep with. His main obstacle of course is that the girl just got married. I busted his chops a little bit because I really don't think its right to hit on a woman if she's married; to which he replied, "It's wrong for her to do it, but its not wrong for me." Whatever. It's a scumbag thing to do, in my opinion, but he's okay with it so who am I to tell him what to do.

So today I'm outside smoking a cigarette, and he came out as I was finishing up. We're about 20 feet from the ashtray, so I decide to practice my cigarette flicking accuracy. I missed the ashtray by about 3 feet(mind you that there's about 4000 cigarette butts littered all over the floor next to the ashtray). So this guy looks at me and gets genuinely angry, and starts yelling at me, like really yelling at me for littering. He told me it was disgusting. I'm thinking he's just busting my balls a bit, so I chuckle and he gets even more angry, says "You think that's funny!?! I'm not kidding around here, now go pick it up." Still not catching that he's 100% serious, I told him I'd go pick it up as soon as he stopped hitting on married women. He got a little indignant and told me that there's nothing wrong with hitting on a married woman, but littering is a true crime. At this point he was red in the face and getting a little closer to me than I really like people to stand when they talk to me. Basically if he wasn't a cool guy and wasn't 60 years old, I woulda laid him out for talking to me like that. But you got to have a set of balls to try and convince a woman to committ adultery, tell someone about it like your proud of the fact, and then yell at them for throwing a cigarette butt on the ground the next day. Maybe he's french, I don't know, but his priorities are fucked up. Just one example of the type of liberal thinking that I will never be able to respect.

Monday, July 14, 2003
What The Hell Is She Talking About!?!

Most of us have already seen Kathleen Parker's article about blogging. It's not bad, a good introduction for someone who has never seen a blog before, kind of like how you would explain a blog to a small child. But then we get to the last 2 paragraphs, and all hell breaks loose in this woman's mind:

"Besides, for all their trail-blazing and herd-prodding -- you knew this was coming -- the blogosphere still ain't a newspaper. You can't hold the blogosphere in your hands. You can't feel a blog, smell it, fold it, hand it across the breakfast table or throw it down in a rage. You can't cut out stories and strawberry them to the fridge, line the birdcage, swat flies, house-train the puppy or wrap fish in it.

In the end, a blog is just a blog, but a newspaper -- cradled caffeinated in a morning lap curled barefoot into the seat of a porch rocker -- is a read."

Okay, first things first its called a printer. I know these new fangled devices are a little too complicated for you, you shriveled old bat, but you can press a button and make the words on the pikture box come out of that doohicky in the corner there. Must be the devil's work. But I digress.

"Cradled caffeinated in a morning lap curled barefoot into the seat of a porch rocker..."

What the FUCK is that about!?! I don't even know where to start with this. Okay, so I do. First of all, its really, really gay. Beyond the 12 year old humor, it doesn't make sense. Newspapers only come in Decaf. And who the hell reads the paper barefoot on the porch in a rocking chair!?! Do they even make rocking chairs anymore? Everybody I know reads the paper on the steering wheel while they're driving to work, like normal people. Well, maybe not normal, but closer to normal than barefoot on the goddamn porch.

But even if we ignore all of that and just take the text at face value, lets look at what it says here: Newspapers are better than blogs because you can use the newspaper to wrap fish and clean up animal shit. What a glowing endorsement. I could go on, but those flies aren't going to swat themselves, so Im gonna go buy me a copy of the New York Times. We're out of toiletpaper anyways.

p.s. Her text contains the word "ain't" for chrissakes.

Random Thoughts

Just like Paul, I got nothing. Zilch. So here's a few randoms that aren't good enough to get a whole post.

Ever notice how whenever children turn up missing and the press gets ahold of it, the parents are always the ones who get arrested? So if your kids turn up missing one day, don't bother calling the cops because odds are you are the one responsible.

You might be a redneck if you drown your kids in a river on the 4th of July but only manage to kill one of them in the process.

I'll be linkwhoring for Frank J. tomorrow. It's okay though, cuz I could kick his ass in real life. Stupid pussy floridians.

My new car still rules, thanks for not caring at all.

I went to Best Buy to buy a DVD because im an idiot. While I was trying to pay for the thing, the clerk offered me at least 500 different items, including subscriptions to entertainment weekly and Sports Illustrated. I told the clerk i didn't want any of the shit so stop asking, but she is required to ask me every item individually or she will get fired. So she did her schtick, and I asked to talk to a manager. The manager came over, and I offered to sell him my car, my pants, my left shoe, my wallet, a photo of my dog etc. etc. He finally got it and walked away. I pegged him in the back of the head with the DVD I was going to buy. I am no longer welcome in Best Buy. Murderous Rage 1, Best Buy 0.

Armondo Benitez is going to the all-star game. He blew a save in the 9th on sunday but the mutts won it in the 10th. He has blown like 8 saves this year, and he's going to the all-star game. Jeromy Burnitz has 18 homers and is batting almost 300, and he isn't going. But the entire Yankee team is going so I can't really complain. But now every time Benitez blows a save, I call up one of my met fan friends and sing "hey now, you're an all-star" into their voicemail; they know better than to answer the phone at that time.

The amount of certification you need to be allowed to handle freon is staggering. My father has all that shit, so I helped him juice a few of our air conditioners this weekend. It's the same as putting air into a tire. The reason you need to be certified is because people used to huff freon to get high. When you huff freon, if you use too much, your lungs will freeze, and then you cough and they pop. Who the fuck would do that? But I guess when paint thinner loses its kick, your pretty far gone anyways.

Bill is a funny son of a bitch.

A bunch of people wrote better essays then mine for Susie about Ulysees S. Grant. Well sure, better if you care about things like facts and the truth(scoff)! Susie has links to them on her page. Go ye forth and learn.

Apparently your supposed to e-mail people and tell them about your posts if you want them to link to you. But I'm all like fuck that and your mother, so all my links come from Bill. That makes Bill cooler than you guys, even though he got the gout so he has to be like 80 years old.

I want to get a better stereo for my car, but I don't know a damn thing about car stereos. That means when I go to the car stereo store, I have a big "RIP ME OFF" tattoo across my forehead as far as the guy there is concerned. I wonder if I use enough industry terms and acronymns if I can confuse him into thinking I know what I'm talking about.

If I told you that there was a 13 year old asian girl who's better than you and everyone you know at sports, you'd probably laugh. But then Michele Kwan would kick the shit out of you, and you'd be laughing through a tube for 6 weeks with the grip end of a 6 iron impaled in your left ear. I blame affirmative action for her uncanny golfing ability.

I hope Al Sharpton wins the democratic nomination. I might go register as a democrat just so I can vote for him. It would be the greatest thing ever to see that man as a serious contender for the presidency. It also means we'd get to see him get shot by some crazy KKK redneck, which would be equally awesome cuz Al Sharpton actually deserves to be shot.

There's a lesbian couple who lives down the block from my friend, and they were both outside on sunday putting new siding on the house. I'm a big fan of walking stereotypes.

The dinosaurs are all extinct because you touch yourself at night.

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