Collinization

2003-07-23T16:59:00.000-04:00

New Posting

Okay, I changed my mind. All new posting is going to be done over at my new spot. Go fix your god damn permalinks, you slackers!

Its http://collinization.mu.nu

or

http://cz.mu.nu

Now get to work!

2003-07-23T14:07:00.000-04:00

Movin' on Up

Through the generosity of Pixy Misa, I'm getting the fuck off of blogspot. You've been so kind to me; maybe one day I can repay you by saying "fuck you", as it meant so much to Bill. I may post here a bit more while im transferring all the shit over there and getting it to work right, but soon enough i'll be at http://collinization.mu.nu

What can I say? In the words of the dice man...

OH! I'M OVA HEA NOW!

2003-07-23T12:32:00.000-04:00

Shows What You Know!

Bill thinks I'll be in federal prison in November. That just proves what a fool you are! I'll be in jail long before then, as next month I plan to drive down to your house and ram a plastic penguin into your ear repeatedly. Then I'll build a little raft out of rubber tires and spam, and use it to tow your lifeless body around the ocean so that you collect barnacles. I will then sell the barnacles to Norman Van Aken for a hefty profit, as someone who looks like Bill will doubtlessly collect a great number of barnacles, since bottom dwelling scum tend to stick together. After running this scheme for about a month, someone is bound to notice that the guy in the tire raft dragging around a dead body is not actually a Cuban baseball player, and they'll start asking questions. So I'll tell them don't worry, it's just Laci Peterson back there.

That will draw the media into a frenzy, due to the arcane magic inherant in the word Laci which causes people to care deeply about something that holds no impact over their lives. Once the media gets involved, I will be exposed for my under-the-table barnacle smuggling operation, and thrown into jail for tax evasion. This will all happen by labor day, the latest. By November, I should be the head of a ring of corrupt cops and jail guards, putting out contracts and selling smack and Winstons from the inside with impunity. I mean for chrissakes Bill, give me some credit. I have a 5 year plan here.

2003-07-23T11:04:00.000-04:00

Good Times

The New York Football Jets opened their training camp yesterday.

Opening Day at Saratoga is today.

Life is good sometimes.

2003-07-22T14:25:00.000-04:00

Does not Play Well with Others

That's what it always said on my report cards, anyway. I wasn't quite sure what the teacher meant by "problems with authority" either, until yesterday when I went for a golf lesson. My girlfriend's parents had gotten me a gift certificate for 50 bucks to take a golf lesson(I really am that bad). So I sign up and go down to the driving range. But when I go to pay for the lesson, the lady at the desk tells me I can't use my gift certificate for a golf lesson, because the gift certificate is from the pro shop. So I look 5 feet to my right, where the pro shop is(inside the driving range), and the little hamster in my head starts to run.

"What's the difference between the pro-shop and the driving range?" I ask in my most innocent tone.
"Well, they're separately owned and operated companies."
"Separately owned and operated companies you say?"
"That's right."
"So your telling me that the pro-shop right over there, with the same name as the driving range, located inside the same building, operated by the same employees, is a separate and un-related company."
"That's right."
"It doesn't even have a separate door for chrissakes!"

Aurora borealis? At this time of year, at this time of night, in this part of the country, localized only in your kitchen? Yes.
Can I see it? No.

So I walk the two and a half feet from the driving range counter to the pro-shop counter. And I shit you not, the same girl from the driving range counter walks over, goes behind the pro-shop counter, looks at me and says "Can I help you?"

No, I'm just looking, you stupid bitch. Okay, you want to play games?

"Yes you can, I'd like to return this gift certificate."
"Oh, I'm afraid I can't do that."
"And why can't you do that, might I ask?"
"Because only Rich can refund gift certificates, he's the manager."
"Well where the fuck is Rich then!?!"
"He's on vacation, he'll be back next week."

Normally, this is where I lose it. Well to be fair, normally I would've lost it a long time ago. But for some reason I had a really long fuse yesterday; I don't know why. So rather than start breaking windows and scaring little children, I decide i'll just pay for the golf lesson and take it up with my pal Rich next week. So I walk back to the other counter, idiot desk chimp in tow, and tell the girl that I will just pay for the lesson. So she rings me up, I put it on my debt card, and she gives me the receipt to sign. 50 dollars for a half hour lesson. There goes that hamster again.

I look up at the huge 10' by 5' sign behind the counter that says "INTRODUCTORY GOLF LESSON $25!!! SIGN UP TODAY!"
"Do you think this is fucking funny or something, you stupid bitch!?!"
"Excuse me?"
"Look if you want to be a fucking prick and bust my balls about the gift certificate, that's fine, I'll take it up with Ricky. But who the hell do you think you're dealing with?"
"Sir, I have no idea what you're talking about. Don't yell at me."
"No idea what I'm talking about? No idea? I'm talking about the HUGE NEON FUCKING SIGN behind you that says the golf lesson costs 25 dollars, and you're charging me 50. What the fuck is the matter with you!?!"
"Ohmygawd(if you've been to Long Island, you know what this sounds like), calm down. You didn't say it was an introductory lesson. You have to say that."
"Holy shit lady, did you eat paint chips as a kid? Does it SEEM like i've taken a lot of lessons here before!?!"
"Well how was I supposed to know!"
"You know what? Forget it. Let me talk to your manager."
"He's not here."
"Where is he?"
"He's on vacation until next week."
"What's his name?"
"Rich."

Wow. You have de-railed.

I really didn't know what to do at this point, so I just started laughing. And the counter monkey there, I guess got confused or saw something shiny, because eventually she started laughing, too. The sad part is, all this time I thought the girl was messing with me, and it turned out that she really was that stupid.
I gave up and had her ring me up for the 25 dollar lesson, and off I go. But lunch is over now, so I gotta get back to work, I'll tell you about the actual lesson a little bit later.

2003-07-22T13:55:00.000-04:00

Back to Fart Jokes and Cursing

So yeah, back to regular blogging now. Ever notice how when you have free comments, and then you write a post where you really want people to give you feedback, your comments stop working? How dare they provide a service at no cost and not have it working perfectly at all times! Nah, the Klinks rule, im sure the comments will work soon. So anyway...

The Michigander seems to think that I'm petty and vindictive. How dare you say such things about me! I'll get you for that if it's the last thing I do! But seriously, your dead on there Tim. But my beef isn't with you, no worries, although there's a few people I would like to straighten out.

First and foremost is the Interact company. They put ATMs in cardstores and dinky little shops, and for just 1.75, you can have them give you money. So I went to take out some cash to pay the hooker...err uhm, that's not important right now. But I went to take out some cash and the thing tells me that there's no money left in the machine. Fine. It prints out a receipt, and even though it couldn't give me any cash it still charged me 1.75 for a god damn transaction fee. A lot of balls to have your machines do that buddy, a lot of balls. Now I could report them to the better business bureau, or the federal banking commission, but we all know that nobody at either of those organizations gives half a shit about my dollar seventy-five. So instead, I have opted for petty vindictiveness!

I figured that a company like this might like to get things for free, so I submitted their customer service email address to all the free porn sites I could find. I also gave their address to PETA so they could get the weekly newsletter, the federalist, that african pastor who wants me to help him move 5 million bucks into my bank account, and everyone else who likes to send spam into my email. Then I decided to call their customer service line, and do my best paperboy impression. "Where's my two dollars?" I shout into the phone. Hilarity ensues. I'm not sure what to do for Act two of "John doesn't like being robbed" so I'm open to suggestions here. One possibility is to try to take money out of the machine again, and when it charges me another 1.75, I flip out and destroy the machine, until it falls on me. Then I sue the company for negligence. Maybe I'll break my nose again, which would make Bill happy. That reminds me. Fuck you Bill!

2003-07-21T15:18:00.000-04:00

If I can be serious for a minute...

This post isn't going to be my normal, whiny foul-mouthed tone. But we all have to grow right?

A Moment To Reflect

So I was downstairs, on line at the deli to get lunch, reading the closed caption of president Bush's press conference, or at least the part that I caught while I waited for my sandwich. He was calling out Iran and Syria for their connections to terrorism at that particular time, and it got me to thinking about what a long trip it's been from that day and today. You know which day I'm talking about. It started in New York City, blazed across half the world to Afghanistan, rolled right through to the only real quagmire we have seen since Vietnam(the U.N.), then broke through Iraq with the swift hand of vengeance. We've come a long way in these two short years, and the real danger is only facing us now; the gate guards are dead, now we assault the fortress of our enemies. We're taking it to their house, and the stakes will rise considerably. Afghanistan was backlash; they were the man holding the gun when the eyes of America turned east. Iraq, on the other hand, was the figurehead; our old enemy Saddam, today's face of evil in America. While both of them played key roles in the army of islamic fundamentalism, deep down we all realize that these countries are but the limbs of the beast; cutting them off buys us time, but alone they are not victories. To walk away now would gain us nothing but a delay from the day of reckoning. I count my blessings each day that Bush "stole" the election, that the supreme court awarded him the presidency. Had Gore been president when 9/11 happened, this would be a much different world today, and we would all be much worse for the wear.

The eyes of our nation turn now to Syria, to Iran. We climb ever closer to the top of the terrorist mountain, where Saudi Arabia sits, watching in fear. They pledge their allegiance and swear their cooperation, doing their damndest to delay that final day of reckoning when the U.S. finally admits the truth; Saudi Arabia has been at the heart of it all from the beginning. Our government knows this; there are many level-headed and well informed people out there who see them for what they really are; the source of this new enemy of freedom. But there are a great number more who cannot accept it, will not admit it until they hold a bloody dagger over the bodies of dead Americans. Lucky for us, our President, our leader knows that we cannot wait for that day to come. We continue to fight, although not always with the force of tanks and men of arms, we continue to inch closer to the belly of the beast.

It has been a long journey indeed, full of fear, uncertainty, anger and rage. It parallels a journey I took myself, just days after the defining moment of my generation. When the planes hit, I was in upstate New York at college. After assuring the safety of my father, who's office is located in the closest building to the trade center that is still standing today, I decided it would be best to head home for the weekend, and enjoy the company of the family that I damn near lost that day. A trip to our summer camp in Saratoga to bring some things home for winter, and I was on my way. A strange place to start a strange journey. Saratoga; where Washington won the Revolutionary War. I drove through that historical town, and looked around me at the quaint little summer excursion, who's only claim to fame these days is a horse racing track. In the center of the town there is a park, and in front of that park sits a statue of a man riding a horse. The horses two front legs are raised in air, because the man died in battle. His name has long since worn away from the base of that statue. In that very town, by the hand of this unnamed man and others like him, America was won. It was the first of many long, hard battles, all of which could've changed the course of history as we know it. But it all started in that small town called Saratoga, where an army of barefoot men held out a winter, outmanned and outgunned, and won themselves the freedom to decide their own destiny.

And from there I headed south. Down I went, parallel to the Hudson River, where the British planned to attack in 1812. Further and further south I drove through history, passed the old factory towns where cannons and ammunition were made for the Civil War. Over the river where the barges carried materials to be sent to Europe for the first Great War. Passed the county where my great uncle called home, after being shot down, rescued, sunk, rescued again, only to be captured and released so that he could be shot down and rescued once more in World War II.

Further south I went, passing the exit to another highway, which would lead you to the home of John F. Kennedy if you took it far enough. South and south I go, only to arrive at the Whitestone Bridge, where I found fear. 100 miles an hour the cars careened over that bridge, engine blaring at 5500 RPMs. Some sped in fear; fear of a bomb, of another attack on an easy target such as a bridge. Others, sped away in disgust, refusing to look up at the shattered skyline of New York City, where a steady pile of black smoke still leaked away into the afternoon sky. You could smell the destruction from that bridge. You could smell the charred and burning building, the rotten stench of innocent human flesh melting away into ash and bone. At the crest of this bridge, I found uncertainty, as I finally looked up and gazed at the wounded city. Would it ever be the same? Would the city recover? I looked long and hard at that billowing smoke, which is where I found anger. You tried to kill my father, you sons of bitches. A 2 year old boy down the block is growing up with a picture instead of a dad. The girl nextdoor to him moved to in with grandma, orphaned by your sickening religion. It was thoughts of those children, of their scars, their uncertain future, that finally brought me to rage. A terrible thing, rage, as I will never look at an Arab the same again. The rest of my life, I will see them as the enemy, the same way my grandfather looks at the Japanese. I can reason and rationalize all I want, the feeling in the pit of my stomach will not change, my eyes will continue to glow red behind the hazel when a black turban comes into their scope. I have become a true racist, and that will never change; it was branded on my very soul, up on the bridge that day at 100 miles an hour.

160 miles I had travelled, from the birthplace of our nation to the worst assault it has ever beared. And from there, only one thing to do; head to the east. So east I went, onto the Long Island Expressway, to my home, where I found my mother. Not my father, for he had already come and gone, spending 18 hours a day in Manhattan, assessing, organizing, cleaning up his building on West Street. On went the television, and that is where I found victory.

Thousands of men and women, just like my dad, just like the orphaned girl's late fireman father, headed west. In they went, an army of heroes; regular men and women just like you and I. They carried their weapons: Water. Food. Blankets. Flashlights. Shovels and cranes, asbestos masks and dump trucks, sawzalls and the jaws of life. Off they went into Manhattan, to save lives. To restore power and light. To restore order. To clean up the mess left for us by the depraved minions of religious zealots and murderers. And it was then that I knew we would emerge victorious. There was no fear in these people; sadness, uncertainty, anger and rage abounded, but there was no fear.

My journey that day ended where our latest journey as a nation had begun. In the shadow of smoke, where the rubble still burned. And a long trip it was, down the alley of history, right into the center of our nation's greatest wound. There will forever be a scar on New York City; if you have seen the design for the building to be erected there, you can see the shape of it. A curved and surreal structure; a modern painting in the heart of a gothic gallery. A building who's sole shape and design revolved around not casting a shadow on that day at that time for the rest of history. A scar on the face of a city so rich in history that it will be spoken of until the end of humanity. Rome. Athens. New York City.

From there I have ridden a passenger, George Bush our pilot, in a journey for freedom. History is made around us, each day, each passing week, not 2 years from that terrible day. A new millenia, a new, globalized world, and a new enemy to freedom everywhere. We have landed now in enemy territory. We took the Afghanistan outpost, marched through the screaming enemies of freedom in the U.N.. We crushed the guards at the gate in Iraq, where we hold our position and wait. Wait for something, for anything. A sign of some sort, it seems, or a provocation. We stand in the middle of Mesopotamia, glaring all around us, waiting for someone to test the rage of our country which has only barely been tapped to this day. We wait for Iran to fall from within. We wait for Syria to make a mistake; to reveal their hand and give us reason to exact vengeance on them as well. We wait for the proof we know exists, the final piece of the puzzle that undeniably proves Saudi Arabia to be the belly of the terrorist beast. Guns drawn, teeth clinched in rage, we wait. What a long journey it has been.

And yet, it has only just begun. Our destination lies somewhere, in the cradle of humanity; in a putrid desert unfit for human inhabitants, where crazed bearded men sit reading some evil tomb which teaches them to hate. To hate their own wives; to martyr their children in the name of a God who doesn't exist. Or perhaps he does, and he chooses to punish and torture these people, who live in poverty with no hope of escape. Still they believe the words of an insane ghost called Mohammed, who refuses to allow them to grow and prosper as a people. But their days in that squalid wasteland lay numbered, because of men like the fireman down the block; because of men like my father; like my neighbor, who floats on a ship outside of Iraq this day; his newborn son growing a bit older without knowing his own father, as the battle rages on. Each numbered day, George Bush leads us, inch by inch, toward the belly of the beast.

We pull the unwilling behind us, protecting them as best we can, although they proclaim their hatred for us and their love for the enemy; the same enemy who wishes nothing more than their destruction. The day is fast approaching when this trip will be over, and victory is certain. Victory is visible in the heart and soul of our City, where men and women continue to dig, to rebuild. It is visible in the flags that adorn our streets, and in the eyes of our soldiers who remain longer than they should in the wasteland of Iraq. It is audible in the flaring tones of anger that come from the Iraqi council, who are only now taking their first steps toward democracy. Toward freedom. There is no fear, because there is nothing to fear. Victory is all around us. We will win this war on terror, of that much I am sure.

2003-07-21T13:14:00.000-04:00

Sucking at Golf

I'm taking a golf lesson today, it should be a humbling experience. I don't do well with lessons, so it's going to be interesting. Basically all through my life I was that kid who new everything in school; no, not that kid you hated who reminded the teacher to give you homework. I was that other kid, sleeping on the desk in the back row that the teacher tried to embarrass daily by waking them up to ask them a question only to find out that the kid(me) answered the question perfectly, put his head down, and went back to sleep. Yeah, the guy who wrote your english papers for 10 bucks a page, that was me. Anyway, I was never really good with teachers because I never really needed a teacher; it was all right there in the book, you god damn idiot. But I'm awful at golf. Really...really awful. I'm no star athlete, but i'm not useless on a field either(batting .450 in my softball league). I'd probably be better at sports but I never really was much inclined for coaches. So stay tuned for tomorrow: Young man who has problems with authority figures pays to be told what to do; hilarity ensues.

Otherwise, nobody has answered the god damn question yet. There's 5 points sitting right there in front of you, but I guess you don't want them. Maybe if I put the leaderboard above the blogroll you would be more interested. Well, its almost lunch time so I'm gonna go eat and then put up some really cool posts I've been thinking about since last thursday. I hope they turn out good, but if they don't, it's not like your paying me for this shit so suck it up and deal with it you pinko-commie bastards. I wonder if being insulting and derrogatory toward my readers will cause their numbers to increase? An experiment in the theories of french tourism!

2003-07-21T10:05:00.000-04:00

Live From The Rat Race

Gotta love the monday morning drive to work. I live on a 2 lane main road. I take it 2 blocks to another 2 lane main road, cross a set of train tracks, go half a mile to a 4 lane main road, and another 1/8th of a mile to get on the highway. then it's 5 exits on the biggest little parking lot in the world (L.I.E.), you would think it would be a quick and easy drive. On sunday morning when there's no traffic I can get here in 5 minutes door to door, but not on monday...Let's just take a look at the stats:

Distance Travelled: 8.4 Miles
Time of Trip: 29 Minutes
# of trains I had to stop for: 2
# of lights missed due to the idiocy of the person in front of me: 2
# of accidents narrowly avoided: 4
# of those that would've been my fault: 1
# of blown out 18 wheeler tires lying in the road: 2
# of people seen reading the newspaper while driving(over 20 mph): 4
# of women seen doing their makeup while driving (over 20 mph): 3
# of people who tried to box me out of an entrance/exit lane: 5
# of people I subsequently cut off and brake checked for boxing me out: 4
# of unpaved roads I had to drive on due to road work: 2
Road Rage Threat Level: Yellow (Medium)

Not that you care or anything, but it's my blog, so I'm all like "Whatever, whatever! I roll with 12 gangs! I ran for congress and I won, and then I had sex with an intern and killed her and buried her body in the woods! Whatever, I do what I want!"

And now for your quote of the day:

"You're comin' with me, feel it or not, your gonna fear it like I showed you the spirit of God lived in us"

And let's play a little game called "Who said it?"
was it:

A. George Bush, speaking to the United Nations
B. Tony Blair, speaking to the Saudi Arabian Government
C. Eminem, speaking on his latest album.
D. Kobe Bryant, allegedly speaking to the woman accusing him of sexual assault

First to answer correctly will receive 5 points. As I have nothing of value to give, I am going to add a section below my blogroll which will be the High Score board. When you score points, your name goes on the board with a link to your website, highest points on top etc etc. Best I can do for incentive to participate ATM.

Edit: Damn that Susie and her superior proofreading skills!

2003-07-19T12:04:00.000-04:00

Here's The Deal

No, I'm not in jail. My girlfriend is fine, well as fine as you can be considering her situation. She's healing up well and is in good spirits. Her brother won't get out until monday, which is why I'm not in jail for aggrevated assault. By request of my girlfriend and her parents, he doesn't get the old 7 iron to the dome. At least not for a few months till shit cools down, anyway. That's the last your gonna hear about this on my blog here, but everything's fine, everyone's going to be okay and the damage isn't permanent. Thank you all for your good wishes and stuff, it's appreciated. Regularly scheduled blogging shall continue.

2003-07-17T10:50:00.000-04:00

If Blogging Is Light...

..for the next few days its because I'm in the county lock up for aggrevated assault. My girlfriend's brother introduced her face to pavement last night and the results weren't pretty. This kid's lucky the cops came and took him away before I got my hands on him. So yeah, Tiger, is "he had it coming" a good enough defense for aggrevated assault with a 7 iron? So pissed right now. This kid is dead.

2003-07-16T20:05:00.000-04:00

I was just checkin the specs on the rotary ger...I'm retarded.

Or so says Bill, who is in rare form today, even for him. Go and check it out, its funny stuff. And no sexually harassing his 15 year old reader, cuz I already did that and if you did too it would be repetitive.

Edit - Forget that. Whatever you do, do not visit Bill's site or find him amusing in any way shape or form. Ever. Me and Bill are going head to head in that moron Frank J.'s contest, so I have plenty of time for dirty underhandedness and chicanery. Whatever the fuck that means.

2003-07-16T16:31:00.000-04:00

Why Dell Kicks Ass

My girlfriend bought a Dell the other day. She ordered it on the last day of a deal they were having, where they upgraded the monitor to a 16" flatpanel for free. They said it would be shipped on the 21st, but it arrived on the 15th instead. It turns out that the computer she ordered is not expandable; there's no room to add other drives, and it only came with a DVD-ROM; no CD burner, no floppy drive. She was more than a bit upset about this, but the real horror was having to deal with customer service and get the thing mailed back. We've all had to deal with customer service before, and we all know its a headache waiting to happen. So I get her prepared to fight with these people and bitch and moan and ask for supervisors and stuff, and then I go to play softball and she calls Dell. She tells me the results today, and it went something like this:

She told the lady on the phone that she didn't want the computer because it wasn't expandable, and you can't tell from their website that the computer isn't expandable. She says she wants to buy another computer. The lady talks to her for a while, and the result is this: She keeps the free upgrade on the monitor, even though the offer expired. She eats the shipping cost to have it sent the first time, and the shipping cost to send the computer back. She buys a new computer, with the new buying incentive, which is a 150 dollar rebate and free shipping.

Yes, you read that correctly. She got the upgrade monitor incentive, the free shipping incentive, and the 150 dollar rebate and she only bought one computer. The rebate almost covers the cost of the shipping, and the rest is more than absorbed in the free monitor upgrade. That's some serious customer service right there, and you can bet the next time she buys a computer it's gonna be from Dell. Hell, next time I buy a computer its gonna be from Dell; with service like that, how can you go wrong? My HP is nice but it took an hour to get a real person on the phone when I had a problem with it, and every 2 weeks or so an HP advertisement pops up off my menu bar and it can't be turned off. What a fucking scam; I pay you 700 bux for a computer and then you make me watch your god damn commercials on it? Fuck you buddy, i'm getting a Dell.

2003-07-16T13:50:00.000-04:00

Just Cuz I'm Pissed..

...I'd like to point out that the umpire who didn't know the rules got paid enough to take a family of four to a baseball game. And he didn't know the rules. How do I know that? Cuz I read Glenn's article. You should go read it too, its pretty good. And give him some feedback, he's trying to polish himself up for a writing career. Soon, I'll be fisking him instead of linking to him. And that will be awesome.

Edit - Hmm, maybe I should fisk this article and call it constructive criticism! If it's a slow afternoon, be ready...

2003-07-16T13:38:00.000-04:00

Incompetance

Im still a kid by most standards (23 years old), so forgive me, my older and wiser readers, as this is a revelation that has just recently dawned on me, and i'm not too happy about having to accept it. The whole fucking planet is incompetant. Nobody told me that in school, I guess I was sick that day.

Last night we were playing softball in a huge game that had playoff implications. In the 6th inning, a guy on the other team hits the ball onto the roof of the school in right field, and the umpire rules it a home run. But if you go to the official rulebook on the official website of the official jerk-off softball league I'm in, it clearly states in bold letters that any ball hit onto the roof of the school is a ground rule double. The umpire justified his call because the manager's never discussed the ruling before the game. Well, asshole, we didn't discuss it, because ITS IN BIG BOLD LETTERS IN THE FUCKING RULEBOOK YOU GOD DAMN RETARD. Not that I'm bitter.

Look, I expect certain things from certain people. I expect a judge to know the law. I expect a lawyer to abuse and interpret the law in any way possible if it will benefit his client. And for chrissakes I expect a god damn umpire to know the rules of the game he is calling. People tell me that I expect too much from people; when all I expect is that they be competant at their job, whatever that job may be. This umpire got paid 120 bux for 2 hours of work, and he doesn't even know the fucking rules to the game. That's completely unacceptable, I don't care how you look at it.

When I make a mistake, I fess up to it. I don't expect to be chided for it, because we all make mistakes. But if I were a chef and I didn't know how to cook beef, I would expect to be fired. If I was a judge and I didn't know the law, I would expect to be disbarred and never allowed to practice again. And if I was an umpire and I didn't know the god damn rules, I wouldn't expect to be calling alot of games. Is that really too much to ask?

edit - I have plenty of other examples of this, but i'm not posting them on the internet for reasons you should understand. But fuck that umpire.

2003-07-15T13:39:00.000-04:00

That's What You Get!

(nelson)Ha-ha!(/nelson) Frank J. had a hoop jumping contest all planned out, and it got so many hits it crashed his site. That's what you get for exploiting people for your own amusement!(i'm still in the contest, right?)

2003-07-15T11:57:00.000-04:00

I'm A Poet, and I Didn't Even Think That I Was But I Am

Big Pimpin

By: E-Z Free AKA Freemont Penderhues

Damn it feels good to be a gansta,
Drinkin 40's and slappin my hoes,
I even had a thugged out pitbull,
Till' the dog ate my mother's toes.

The bitch never saw that shit comin'
She was twistin out one of my bros,
Killer saw it and got kind of excited,
So the dog ate my mother's toes.

In da hood we got this old sayin,
It comes just as fast as it goes,
But nobody told the damn pitbull,
And the dog ate my mother's toes.

I dragged it outside and I shot it,
And now the whole neighborhood knows,
That it's barbequed pitbull for dinner,
cuz the dog ate my mother's toes.

We skinned it and cooked on a spigget,
And ate it with ketchup and mayo,
I ate dog, now i'm a cannibal,
cuz the dog ate my mother's toes.

Word to your cousin.

It all makes sense, once you go here.

2003-07-15T10:32:00.000-04:00

Why I Don't Respect Liberals

I work with this guy. He's a really cool guy actually, led a very interesting life. He was like a hippie before they had hippies, a beatnik or whatever you want to call them. Grew up in the 50's, was in his 20's for the 60's, big into music and liberalism and pissing off the man; he's a great guy actually. Yesterday we were shooting the shit outside, and he told me about this girl he was trying to sleep with. His main obstacle of course is that the girl just got married. I busted his chops a little bit because I really don't think its right to hit on a woman if she's married; to which he replied, "It's wrong for her to do it, but its not wrong for me." Whatever. It's a scumbag thing to do, in my opinion, but he's okay with it so who am I to tell him what to do.

So today I'm outside smoking a cigarette, and he came out as I was finishing up. We're about 20 feet from the ashtray, so I decide to practice my cigarette flicking accuracy. I missed the ashtray by about 3 feet(mind you that there's about 4000 cigarette butts littered all over the floor next to the ashtray). So this guy looks at me and gets genuinely angry, and starts yelling at me, like really yelling at me for littering. He told me it was disgusting. I'm thinking he's just busting my balls a bit, so I chuckle and he gets even more angry, says "You think that's funny!?! I'm not kidding around here, now go pick it up." Still not catching that he's 100% serious, I told him I'd go pick it up as soon as he stopped hitting on married women. He got a little indignant and told me that there's nothing wrong with hitting on a married woman, but littering is a true crime. At this point he was red in the face and getting a little closer to me than I really like people to stand when they talk to me. Basically if he wasn't a cool guy and wasn't 60 years old, I woulda laid him out for talking to me like that. But you got to have a set of balls to try and convince a woman to committ adultery, tell someone about it like your proud of the fact, and then yell at them for throwing a cigarette butt on the ground the next day. Maybe he's french, I don't know, but his priorities are fucked up. Just one example of the type of liberal thinking that I will never be able to respect.

2003-07-14T16:37:00.000-04:00

What The Hell Is She Talking About!?!

Most of us have already seen Kathleen Parker's article about blogging. It's not bad, a good introduction for someone who has never seen a blog before, kind of like how you would explain a blog to a small child. But then we get to the last 2 paragraphs, and all hell breaks loose in this woman's mind:

"Besides, for all their trail-blazing and herd-prodding -- you knew this was coming -- the blogosphere still ain't a newspaper. You can't hold the blogosphere in your hands. You can't feel a blog, smell it, fold it, hand it across the breakfast table or throw it down in a rage. You can't cut out stories and strawberry them to the fridge, line the birdcage, swat flies, house-train the puppy or wrap fish in it.

In the end, a blog is just a blog, but a newspaper -- cradled caffeinated in a morning lap curled barefoot into the seat of a porch rocker -- is a read."

Okay, first things first its called a printer. I know these new fangled devices are a little too complicated for you, you shriveled old bat, but you can press a button and make the words on the pikture box come out of that doohicky in the corner there. Must be the devil's work. But I digress.

"Cradled caffeinated in a morning lap curled barefoot into the seat of a porch rocker..."

What the FUCK is that about!?! I don't even know where to start with this. Okay, so I do. First of all, its really, really gay. Beyond the 12 year old humor, it doesn't make sense. Newspapers only come in Decaf. And who the hell reads the paper barefoot on the porch in a rocking chair!?! Do they even make rocking chairs anymore? Everybody I know reads the paper on the steering wheel while they're driving to work, like normal people. Well, maybe not normal, but closer to normal than barefoot on the goddamn porch.

But even if we ignore all of that and just take the text at face value, lets look at what it says here: Newspapers are better than blogs because you can use the newspaper to wrap fish and clean up animal shit. What a glowing endorsement. I could go on, but those flies aren't going to swat themselves, so Im gonna go buy me a copy of the New York Times. We're out of toiletpaper anyways.

p.s. Her text contains the word "ain't" for chrissakes.

2003-07-14T16:12:00.000-04:00

Random Thoughts

Just like Paul, I got nothing. Zilch. So here's a few randoms that aren't good enough to get a whole post.

Ever notice how whenever children turn up missing and the press gets ahold of it, the parents are always the ones who get arrested? So if your kids turn up missing one day, don't bother calling the cops because odds are you are the one responsible.

You might be a redneck if you drown your kids in a river on the 4th of July but only manage to kill one of them in the process.

I'll be linkwhoring for Frank J. tomorrow. It's okay though, cuz I could kick his ass in real life. Stupid pussy floridians.

My new car still rules, thanks for not caring at all.

I went to Best Buy to buy a DVD because im an idiot. While I was trying to pay for the thing, the clerk offered me at least 500 different items, including subscriptions to entertainment weekly and Sports Illustrated. I told the clerk i didn't want any of the shit so stop asking, but she is required to ask me every item individually or she will get fired. So she did her schtick, and I asked to talk to a manager. The manager came over, and I offered to sell him my car, my pants, my left shoe, my wallet, a photo of my dog etc. etc. He finally got it and walked away. I pegged him in the back of the head with the DVD I was going to buy. I am no longer welcome in Best Buy. Murderous Rage 1, Best Buy 0.

Armondo Benitez is going to the all-star game. He blew a save in the 9th on sunday but the mutts won it in the 10th. He has blown like 8 saves this year, and he's going to the all-star game. Jeromy Burnitz has 18 homers and is batting almost 300, and he isn't going. But the entire Yankee team is going so I can't really complain. But now every time Benitez blows a save, I call up one of my met fan friends and sing "hey now, you're an all-star" into their voicemail; they know better than to answer the phone at that time.

The amount of certification you need to be allowed to handle freon is staggering. My father has all that shit, so I helped him juice a few of our air conditioners this weekend. It's the same as putting air into a tire. The reason you need to be certified is because people used to huff freon to get high. When you huff freon, if you use too much, your lungs will freeze, and then you cough and they pop. Who the fuck would do that? But I guess when paint thinner loses its kick, your pretty far gone anyways.

Bill is a funny son of a bitch.

A bunch of people wrote better essays then mine for Susie about Ulysees S. Grant. Well sure, better if you care about things like facts and the truth(scoff)! Susie has links to them on her page. Go ye forth and learn.

Apparently your supposed to e-mail people and tell them about your posts if you want them to link to you. But I'm all like fuck that and your mother, so all my links come from Bill. That makes Bill cooler than you guys, even though he got the gout so he has to be like 80 years old.

I want to get a better stereo for my car, but I don't know a damn thing about car stereos. That means when I go to the car stereo store, I have a big "RIP ME OFF" tattoo across my forehead as far as the guy there is concerned. I wonder if I use enough industry terms and acronymns if I can confuse him into thinking I know what I'm talking about.

If I told you that there was a 13 year old asian girl who's better than you and everyone you know at sports, you'd probably laugh. But then Michele Kwan would kick the shit out of you, and you'd be laughing through a tube for 6 weeks with the grip end of a 6 iron impaled in your left ear. I blame affirmative action for her uncanny golfing ability.

I hope Al Sharpton wins the democratic nomination. I might go register as a democrat just so I can vote for him. It would be the greatest thing ever to see that man as a serious contender for the presidency. It also means we'd get to see him get shot by some crazy KKK redneck, which would be equally awesome cuz Al Sharpton actually deserves to be shot.

There's a lesbian couple who lives down the block from my friend, and they were both outside on sunday putting new siding on the house. I'm a big fan of walking stereotypes.

The dinosaurs are all extinct because you touch yourself at night.

2003-07-11T17:40:00.000-04:00

Quiet Down You Old Codgers!

I keep seeing on blogs like A Small Victory and Gut Rumbles, all the old folk are bitching about Nike buying Converse. Oh boo hoo, no more chuck taylors. Who gives a shit.

Chuck Taylors are old and ugly. Sure, they were great in the movie, Sandlot, but that's about all of a shit people give about them anymore. Do you buy Chuck's anymore Michele? Acidman? Cuz I sure as hell don't, and neither do people who are younger than me. Maybe that's why they are closing up shop and selling out to Nike?

Some conservatives you guys are. Big dog eats little dog, the strong survive, the invisible hand. That's the economy, wankers, and nobody buys those shitty, ugly sneakers with poor ankle support cuz they are outdated pieces of crap. That, and having Larry Johnson wear a dress as a marking ploy was a bad idea, but I digress.

Basically, if you wanted your friggin converse so bad, you shoulda fucking bought them before they went bankrupt. Oh wait, Michele does buy them, so I guess this is just for you then acidman. Converse made shitty sneakers, so converse don't make no sneakers no more. You don't hear me crying about how bad your generation fucked everything up for my generation(DWI laws, drug enforcement, social security, pollution, socialism) so I don't want to hear your shit about some fucked up looking sneakers. So just go get in your 64 corverre, drive down to the only converse store in the fucking state, and buy some shitty sneakers; (better get alot cuz they only last about 2 weeks) you can put them next to the dinosaurs and the smoking section in the extinct category. And that will be the end of it.

Fuck Converse. Everyone knows new balance is the shit anyways.

2003-07-11T14:25:00.000-04:00

Helping Susie

Susie needs help with a paper on the leadership skills of Ulysees S. Grant, so here it is!

The Leadership Skills of Ulysees S. Grant

By: Me

Ulysees S. Grant was a big fat drunk. An alcoholic, if you will. Mr. Grant drank so much and so often that it was rumored he could no longer stop drinking, as his body had began to use alcohol as a substitute for water and the withdrawal symptoms would kill him. But Grant was not a happy, fun drunk, as most alcoholics are not. Grant was a mean spirited, angry drunk. Some think that this was a negative trait; but I contend that without Grant's raging alcoholism, we would not have been able to win the civil war.

At the time of the civil war, Grant was leading the north into battle. They were invading the south, and the men in the army were coming to conquer, and not to defend. As both sides were American, their superior ability at everything cancelled itself out, leaving only a battle of wills to decide the outcome. With the southerners fighting for their homes, and the northerners with little more than ideology and free hookers to drive them, it was decided that the south was more likely to emerge victorious. This is where we see the true leadership of Ulysees S. Grant come into play.

Being a nasty and angry drunk, Grant was no pleasure to work with. He often tortured and beat his troops, using cattle prods and other electonic devices like invisible fence collars; sometimes an old fashion glass-bottle-to-the-head-and-stab-you-in-the-throat-with-the-shards was also employed. After witnessing these tactics(unorthodox at the time, but now a staple in any modern military), his troops were filled with renewed vigor, because dying to a slave owning bastard was nothing compared to what that fucking drunk would do to you if you tried to run. Because of this, Grant led the north to victory, and went on to become president.

Grant was a great president when it came to foreign affairs. His policy was stated simply, "If you mess with me, I'll fucking kill you." It was usually followed by a slug off a large jug with three X's across it. Europeans, being weak and effimate, feared the angry, drunken rage of U.S. Grant, and often appeased his every desire to avoid his wrath. The rest of the world still lived in caves and huts at this time, so with the Europeans cowed, America moved into a position of world dominance.

Surprising to racist bastards everywhere, Grant was in fact not of Irish descent. He did tend to favor Irish Whiskey though, which is believed to be the source of his unending murderous rage. By staggering around like a drunken fool and scaring the shit out of effimate foreigners, Grant showed his strong leadership characteristics. That is why Ulysees S. Grant will be remembered as one of the greatest leaders of our time; he showed America that intelligence only makes you more likely to be scared shitless of stupid drunks with guns, and that has been our foreign policy ever since.

The End.

2003-07-11T10:55:00.000-04:00

Peace in the Middle East in Just 1 Easy Step

I'm tired of hearing Palestinian leaders talking about how they are adhering to the peace negotiations, and then 12 seconds later a bomb goes off in Israel. You're full of shit people, and your not fooling anyone. There's only one way to guarantee the peace in Israel, and I'm about to lay it on you right now.

What you do, is you round up all of those palestinian leaders; Arafat, his puppet, and whichever Mohammed is leading Hamas and Islamic Jihad(and believe me, they all have Mohammed somewhere in their names) and you sit them down. You take them and you tell them that every day, one of them is going to ride busses around Israel all day. And every day, a different one of them is going to do it. No prior warning, no finding out which bus they are on, they just get taken and stuffed into a bus and they ride around Israel all day on the bus. I bet you the bombing stops immediately.

2003-07-11T10:45:00.000-04:00

Oops, I did it again

You're fired.

Oh sweet irony, do you never rest? Remember that rich slut who backed into like 12 people in the Hamptons last year, and then fled the scene, and did absolutely no time cuz she is a rich fucking cunt with a cake life? Well, the South Hampton fire department was openly mocking her during their parade this year, as they should, every year forever more, and they ran over an 8 year old boy. Too funny for commenting. The truly ironic part of this whole incident, however, is that I am sure that the fireman who was driving the golf cart will receive worse punishment for hitting the kid, then that stupid whore who drunkenly crushed 12 people against a wall and fled the scene. That's the sad truth of America folks.

Courtesy of Business Casual, who's getting blogrolled cuz he's cool.

2003-07-11T10:39:00.000-04:00

Worst Names Ever

The Cleveland Indians have some of the worst named athletes in the history of sports. You have to feel bad for these guys, you know they got their asses kicked almost every day when they were kids. How cruel do you have to be to name your kid Milton Bradley? That's just so wrong. And he isn't even the worst on the team! They got a guy out there, who's real, on-your-birth-certificate name is Cocoa Crisp. Fucking cereal. Man, that has to hurt. I hear they are close to signing Captain Crunch to reinforce the bullpen.

2003-07-11T10:15:00.000-04:00

The Rediculousness of Sports Media

Look, I like baseball and football and hockey, and not so much basketball but its okay. It's entertaining stuff, fun to watch, fun to play. But this shit has just gotten way out of hand. The amount of media attention that is focused on professional sports these days is just fucking rediculous. There's like 8 all sports news channels. Half of almost every newspaper is dedicated entirely to sports coverage. And because of that, you get a need for stories, all the time, no matter what happened. That leads us to some real interesting stuff on TV, let's review some of the huge news stories going on in sports these days:

The Colorado D.A. is still thinking about whether or not he might charge Kobe Bryant with sexual assault, but won't decide till next week.

This is big fucking news!?! John Ashcroft is still thinking about if he is going to wipe his ass with his left hand or his right hand, but he doesn't have to take a shit till tomorrow. I mean seriously people, what the fuck. It's not like anything will ever come of this, except Kobe writing a big fat check to some blonde in Colorado who he probably didn't do anything to, but its Kobe Bryant so she can extort him a little bit and the rest of us will cheer her on. And then in a week, someone will turn it into a race thing because Kobe is black, when we all know its really a celebrity thing cuz the guy is famous and rich. Then Al Sharpton will give Kobe a big hug and Jesse Jackson will call for a million men to march to Colorado, and 12 people will show up in a tart cart. All because some stupid trick told the cops that Kobe grabbed her tit, and there was nothing else good happening that day. And you know what, this is hard news compared to the other story going around these days, the fucking sausage race.

The Brewers have 4 idiots run around the field during the 7th inning stretch dressed like sausages(insert freudian joke here). Its a bush league stunt to entertain the little kids. So one time, a player hits one of the sausages with a bat as they go by, goofing around. I have seen mascotts tackled, punched, kicked, wrestled with. Its all part of the show, folks. But this god damn sausage happened to fall down after the guy hit her with the bat, so they arrested the fucking player for assault and its been the lead story on sportscenter for like 2 days now. How are you gonna drag this guy out of the stadium in cuffs? I bet there were at least 5 fights in the stands during this game, and no arrests were made. But when reporters have nothing to write about, a mascott falling down becomes the next fucking O.J. Simpson trial. What if your kid was playing tag with another kid, and the other kid fell down? Would you call the friggin cops? Get the news 4 chopper on the scene!?! For chrissakes, its time for a little cut-back in the sports media department. When shit like this is carrying the lead on an hour long news show, somebody needs to get fired, pronto.

2003-07-11T09:59:00.000-04:00

Woohoo

I got my new car, and it's awesome. That is all.

2003-07-10T15:45:00.000-04:00

BAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH

BAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHHAHAHA ok you get it. This is the funniest fucking thing I've seen in years. IN YEARS, I tell you! What a story! Its almost worth serving the time just to be able to tell people you did it! Holy shit dude, that's all I have to say. For the rest, I turn you over to Glenn.

2003-07-09T23:27:00.000-04:00

Sorry Guys!

Im looking over my blog here, and I haven't had a good post in like almost a week now. Man that sucks for you guys. Keep reading though, im sure ill do something stupid eventually.

2003-07-09T15:21:00.000-04:00

Fuck Frank J.

Frank J., mr. big toughguy says that everybody has to link to him today or else there's going to be punishment. Something about him popping his cherry a year ago today, I'm not really sure. But I don't like when people tell me what to do, so thats why I'm all like Fuck Frank J., I ain't linking to him.

2003-07-08T11:07:00.000-04:00

I'm going to Metallica and You're Not

Sucks for you buddy!

2003-07-08T11:06:00.000-04:00

I lost 258 pounds in 18 seconds!

Using the new Billates method. I recommend this program to anyone, whether you need to lose weight or not.

2003-07-08T00:47:00.000-04:00

The Acidman 25

Everybody else is doing it, so I have to do it to look cool. (shit, thats how i started smoking).

So yeah, Acidman has a 25 question list for one and all, so here goes:

1. Do you have a personal hero? If so, who is it?

Lenny Dykstra. Yes, I'm a Yankee fan. But you gotta love a guy like Rusty Nails, the guy was a great talent, tough as, well, nails, and played as hard as anyone I've ever seen. Juan Samuel is just one reason they call you the Mutts.

2. What is your favorite book of all time and what made it so fucking good?

Breakfast of Champions, by Kurt Vonnegut. Just read it, and you'll understand.

3. What does "diversity" mean to you?

To me, diversity means we are giving the job to some minority who is less qualified than you, but thanks for trying, silly cracker boy.

4. What is the wildest thing you've ever done?

I once did a belly flop off the 2nd story of my school into a mound of snow of unkown depth. It wasn't so wild after I lived, but it coulda been 6 inches of snow for all I knew at the time. 10 bux is 10 bux!

5. Do you regret doing it?

Yeah, I shoulda re-negotiated.

6. Can you drive a stick shift?

Yes. Can you operate a screw driver?

7. What's the highest speed you ever traveled in a car?

170 mph riding, 123 mph driving.

8. Were you driving, or riding at the time?

Riding in an NSX, driving a convertable chrystler le baron.

9. Which is better: snakes or spiders?

Spiders. Easier to kill, and more fun to torture.

10. What is the most disgusting thing you ever ate?

See #9.

11. Have you ever shit your pants? Be HONEST!

Everyone shit their pants consistently for the first 2 years of their life.

12. Was losing your virginity an enjoyable experience?

I dunno, but waking up to a strange face in bed next to me wasn't.

13. Should oral sex be outlawed or encouraged?

Encouraged. Unless it would offend an old lady in Idaho, then we should ban it.

14. Name one man with a fine ass.

Me.

15. Do you watch golf on television? If not, will you iron my shirts?

Yes, and I don't even iron my own shirts. Fuck you buddy, I don't do dry cleaning.

16. Who is Martha Burk?

Who the hell cares?

17. If you could change one thing about yourself, what would it be?

I'd straighten my god damn nose. Not that im bitter.

18. Do you eat raw oysters?

Oh hell no. The fuck is wrong with you?

19. Are you claustrophobic?

Sort of. I can handle being in a small space, as long as I know I can leave. Like being in a closet for 3 hours wouldn't bother me, but if the door was locked I would bug out.

20. If you rode a motorcycle, would you wear a helmet even if the law said you didnâ€˜t have to?

I wouldn't ride one of those fucking death traps. You couldn't pay me enough.

21. Name five great Presidents.

Washington, Jefferson, Lincoln, Jackson, Kennedy

22. Name three shitty Presidents.

Carter, LBJ, Coolidge. What the fuck did Coolidge ever do for anyone, huh!?!

23. Now call me fanny and slap my ass. Just kidding.

Shut the fuck up, Donny, you're out of your element.

24. This is the 4th of July. Did you set off any fireworks?

You know it. I blew shit up like I was riding a bus in Israel. Oh man, that was cold. Luckily, most of you won't read down this far.

25. If you could have dinner and conversation with anyone in the history of the planet, who would you choose?

Your mother, with that fine ass. But honestly, I'd like to have dinner with the indian chief who sold Manhattan to us crackers. Just so I could ask him, "What were you thinking!?!"

2003-07-07T19:03:00.000-04:00

Any Golfers out there?

Okay im sure its probably impossible to teach someone how to golf over the internet, but i'm really getting frustrated here. I hit a pitching wedge about 100 yards every time, which is about as far as a pitching wedge will go as far as i can tell. But the higher I go in clubs, the less the ball travels. I hit my 3 iron about 170-180 yards, which is from what i hear about 40 yards short of where it should be going. I hit a 5 iron about 150 yards, again well short of the distance it should be going. Now, if I also hit the pitching wedge like shit, it would make sense to me that the other clubs are falling short, but the pitching wedge is going about the right distance. So what the fuck am I doing wrong that im losing so much power with the lower clubs? Bueller?

2003-07-07T10:12:00.000-04:00

Who brought the asshole?

I had a very nice fourth of July, and I hope all of you did as well. Barbeque, beer, mortars and bocce ball, it was all great stuff. But I still haven't heard about that guy. You all know who I'm talking about here. As an American, it is my god given right to read the news on the monday after the fourth of july, and read about some stupid fuck who lit a mortar that didn't go off. It's the same thing every year; the guy walks over to the tube, and like the brilliant rocket scientist that he is, decides to look down the tube to see why it didn't go off. And at this point, the mortar always goes off and blows the poor bastard's face off. It happens every year. So who was it this year? A pollock in Missouri? Some drunk mick in Texas? I'm counting on you, my loyal reader, to direct me to the post about that guy. And please, everyone who reads this; next year, don't be that guy.

So yeah, first person who directs me to the story about the asshole and the mortar tube gets 10 points. And i'll give 3 points to the first person who directs me to the story about the kid who blew up an M-80 in his hand and lost his fingers.

DISCLAIMER: Points cannot be exchanged for anything and have no monetary value.

2003-07-07T10:06:00.000-04:00

Laughing At Death

So as you can tell by my awesome song down there, I didn't get my friggin car this weekend. So I was still driving my 1990 p.o.s. this morning when I headed out to work. I live on a main road, and I have to back out of my driveway onto it each morning. It's really not that hard once you get used to it, but it does require the ability to slow and stop your car. So as I backed toward the road today and began to slow down, I heard a nasty crunching sound coming from the rear of my car, and my brake pedal went all the way to the floor, but low and behold, the car was still careening backward. So off I go blindly into the road, emergency brake squealing away. I casually observe the brown puddle in my driveway, representing the fluid that used to be in my brake line. That's not good. I finally come to a stop, only blocking one lane of traffic. After a deep sigh of relief, I look over to my right and I almost wet my pants; about 4 inches away from my window is the grill of a semi. For some reason, I found this hysterically funny, and I sat there laughing for a while. The trucker comes over to my car, and man was this guy pissed. So I get out and he's yelling and screaming, but I just point over to my driveway at the puddle of brake fluid. He looks over and then says to me, "Holy shit. You could've died, man." Well no shit. So he helps me push the thing back into my driveway, shakes my hand and goes on his way. Good times, good times.

2003-07-03T13:16:00.000-04:00

Further Proof That I Am An Idiot

We close at one today,
So i'll go out and play,
But there's a rain delay,
So I just have to say,

I hate my diety,
He has it in for me,
It rains each day you see,
Because God had to pee,

I'll have to stay inside,
Or drive my shitty ride,
It's dented on the side,
But I still drive with pride,

The new car's not ready,
Life likes to shit on me,
I blame the sales lady,
And fucking Hillary,

Its all so very gay,
I signed the papers in May,
I forgot one, they say,
But they told me today.

That's right its now July,
What is your alibi?
You do not have to lie,
You just checked on the fly.

So I say fuck you to,
cuz its the thing to do,
You fucking stupid shrew,
This came out of the blue,

Cuz your a fucking knob,
and you cant do your job,
I should've asked for Bob,
Instead of some dumb slob.

I'll never get this car,
Instead I'll hit the bar,
And drink the downpayment,
And then sniff rubber cement.

Happy 4th of July,
I hope the salesbitch dies,
And then i'll laugh, not cry,
the song is over, buh bye.

2003-07-03T11:25:00.000-04:00

Shit You Should Buy

Here's some stuff that you need to own in order to be cool like me. If you buy it I won't make any money though, so this isn't a scam. This is just some shit that I like that might amuse you as well.

Album of the week: Operation Ivy - The origin of modern punk rock. Don't beleive me? Check it out. Leans a bit to the left in its political context, but its really good shit here. I especially like tracks #9 and #24 this week.

Movie of the week: Old School - This movie is fucking hysterical. Low brow humor at its best.

Awesome Toy of the week: The Car Im Getting Saturday - Don't buy this, because mine will be cooler since it will be rare. In silver, not the black, but they don't have a picture of the silver one. Im fuckin psyched.

Now go forth and spend, ye capitalist pigdogs!

2003-07-02T13:32:00.000-04:00

They Finally Did It

They finally went and did it. I saw a commercial for a tape last night, that can be boiled down to one word: tits. It was a film of the 30 sexiest movie moments, which is code for 30 shots of female actresses showing their racks on screen. After girls gone wild and all the other stupid videos that tried to hide the real product(tits) behind some other gimmick, they finally cut through all the bullshit and gave the people what they want, which is cleavage, and lots of it.

I personally think this is a great idea. No more making 2 million men see a shitty movie for 2 minutes of action. No more girls gone wild bullshit. Just tits, on camera. 20 seconds of tits, flash to a new girl, more tits. It may be smut, but its honest. Thats what people want, and thats what people get. If only certain other aspects of the media could adopt this policy, we would all be better off. Just show us the tits please, and leave the other bullshit behind.

2003-07-01T23:47:00.000-04:00

Carnival of the Vanities

Its up, and im in it. If your reading this though, you probably also read my submission. Good job. If you haven't, then I will twist off yer head and spike it on to the horns of a nightmare you can't even imagine unless you exit this quadrant immediately!

Its ova hea now!

2003-07-01T14:31:00.000-04:00

Canada Day

I learned something new today! Thanks to Bill, I now know that today, July 1st, is Canada day. So im gonna ditch out of work, build an igloo, and go ice fishing for penguins, as is Canadian tradition.

But seriously folks, lets take a long, hard look at Canada. What do they have that's good there? Well, they have beer. I don't particularly care for LaBatte's or Molson, but many customers at the beverage center I used to work at did. Hell I even drank it myself a few times, before my boss told me the dirty little canadian secret:

In Canada, they don't recycle glass; they refill the bottles. So when you return your nasty bottle of molson ice with 12 cigarette butts and a used condom inside of it, it gets shipped up to Canada where it is washed out with soap and cold water, and then relabeled, refilled, and shipped back here for you to drink.

It's a good thing they have universal healthcare in Canada, what with all that VD going around in the beer bottles. So kick back a few blue ones for Canada day, but don't act surprised when you get those sores around your lip in 2 weeks. Deep down, you already know what it is.

2003-07-01T10:34:00.000-04:00

Throw Bricks at Best Buy

Over the weekend my drier blew up. Unfixable, so we had to get another one. It was old, so not really a big surprise there. So my parents go down to best buy, and they find the dryer that matches the washing machine we bought last year(why they have to match I'll never understand) and set it up to have it delivered. All in all it was pretty painless. And come monday they brought it right over to the house, dragged it up the stairs for us, and installed it. The service guys didn't even take the 20 bux we left for them on the counter, for some strange reason. Hell even if there was a company rule about tips, I woulda pocketed that shit anyway, but that's just me. I wonder how much you get paid to install dryers; I would imagine that it isn't very much, which is why I can't understand how you don't pocket a free 20 when you have the chance. Whatever, that has nothing to do with it.

So they install the dryer and leave. My parents get home to find their new dryer, and they are happy to give it its first run. Turn on the switch and...nothing happens. But its brand new, how could it not work? Oh of course, because it isn't plugged in. Why isn't it plugged in? Because fucking best buy sells the power cord to the dryer separately from the god damn dryer! WTF!?! And if that isn't bad enough, the salesman forgot to even mention that part to my parents. So after all that shit they had to drive over to best buy and buy a fucking power cord for the dryer. Holy stupid shit batman! You gotta have a set of steel balls to sell someone a 300+ dollar appliance and sell them the power cord separately. What kind of corporate nickel and dime bullshit is that!?! What if you bought a new car, and when you picked it up the salesman said "Yeah, so do you want to buy a battery for your new car?" A power source is not fucking optional equipment. Its the kind of thing that makes you want to go to best buy and wrap the 15 dollar power cord around the store manager's neck a couple of times, and beat him in the face with the plug. Or maybe just walk around the computer section with a high powered magnet in your pocket. Not that it would do anything; the hard drives aren't in the computers because they're sold separately!
I don't think i'm going to shop at worst purchase anymore. Stupid shit like that is how you know a company is going to try to screw you over every chance they get. That's why I miss the Wiz. You walked in there with the full knowledge that everything was going to work perfectly when you bought it, because they already screwed you over on the price to begin with. Sure everything was 20-100 dollars more at the Wiz then it costs at Bust Buy, but you knew everything would be in the box when you got home. All I'm saying is that worst purchase is lucky they delivered the dryer; if i woulda had to drag that shit up a flight of stairs with my dad and his bad back, only to find out that they gipped me on the fucking power cord when I got there, I would probably still be at county lock up for aggrevated assault on an appliance clerk. What can I say; I love the sound of heatshrink and copper wire whipping against bare flesh. If that makes me weird, then I guess im weird. Well, actually that is pretty weird. Forget I said that. Carry on.

2003-07-01T10:02:00.000-04:00

Bad Things, Man

Something big is going down in my little corner of hell i mean suburbia. On my way to work today at least 5 cops blew by me with the lights and sirens blaring, and there was a police chopper circling the train station about 40 feet off the ground. If you think people rubberneck bad at an accident, you should see what these idiots are doing when there's a god damn chopper flying over their heads. People were coming to a dead fucking stop and just staring at the thing. That's the most amusing part about it to me, is they were looking at the helicopter. Hey retard, the helicopter is looking at the ground, that's why he's up there. I guess these people were waiting for FBI ninjas to drop out of the chopper on zip lines with m-16's and smoke bombs and shit. "They had nunchucks, they was doin indian burns...". None of that happened, and I'm probably gonna go home and find out they were tracking down some kids who were putting pennies on the railroad tracks or some shit like that(my tax dollars hard at work). But at least now I can have a fun day of speculating about the foiled nuclear attack on a worthless little speck of a town in the middle of a worthless little speck of an island that just happens to be near a giant fucking city. Cuz when it comes down to it, thats all Long Island is; a glacial dingleberry that landed next to manhattan. Nothing bad will ever happen here because it is an insignificant place. But we got police choppers, so there!

2003-07-01T09:55:00.000-04:00

O'Doyle Rules!

I'm big time now. It turns out im a flappy bird over at the Truth Laid Bear, whatever the fuck that means.

2003-06-30T22:52:00.000-04:00

Return of the Mac

I made my triumphant return to the softball field on friday. Didn't play the field, went 2 for 6 and reached on an error. Today we had a make up double header, and I returned to my old home at second base, at the same field where I flashed the gold glove for 13 stitches and a cast. Good times, good times. We played against this little italian guy with a huge mustache, so everyone on my team was singing the song from Super Mario Brothers the whole game, it was absolutely hysterical but you had to be there so its not too funny on my blog here, oh well. So yeah, I get to the game today and they wanted me to play catcher. If your unfamiliar with softball, the catcher doesnt wear any equipment. So yeah, thats where I want to be a month after cracking my face open is behind the plate, where the action is. I ixnayed that shit right away, and got in at 2nd base on the second game of the doubleheader(every game is a doubleheader). First pitch of the first inning im out there, a guy hits a line drive right at my face. I caught it, as it was a routine play, but everyone on our side of the bench sighed at exactly the same time when I did. They have no faith in me, I swear. Of course, they all then erupted, and like 12 people in unison shouted, "You're my boy blue!", so if you haven't seen Old School yet you don't get the reference...so go fucking rent it its hysterical! So yeah, I survived the game at 2nd this time, i went 3 for 7 with a walk and i reached 2x on errors. We've won the last 4 games, so we're on a bit of a tear. Not that you care, but that shit rhymes so whats up now!?!!

2003-06-30T22:47:00.000-04:00

Woohoo comments are back

Yep, comments are back. Now go vote about whether you'd bang Ann Coulter, cuz you know you would.

2003-06-27T13:24:00.000-04:00

Hey United Nations, Go Fuck Yourself!

That's what Australia said today. Funny timing on that, considering that the U.N. just yesterday asked us, as in you and me, the American Tax Payer to fork over HUGE WADS OF CASH so that they can have gold plated toilets and no asbestos in their little building that they don't pay rent for in the middle of the city that they didn't care about when the planes flew into it. This is why I propose that the new WTC be built in the shape of a giant hand flipping the bird, pointed eastward.

Oh boo hoo frenchy, is the widdle asbestos hurting your itty biddy wungs? Too sick to surrender effectively? Maybe it will make a man out of you. Now reach up under your skirt there, pull out your balls, and suck it up. We don't give a shit about the U.N. anymore. Go build a new building in Europe. You could build it in France in a few years after all your workers stop striking. Or maybe you could put it next to the ICC in Belgium, so that you could save us a few million in bombs and we could blow them both up in 1 shot.

Seriously, what the hell were you thinking!?! 1 billion dollars in interest free loans? I'll flip out if we ever agree to that, especially after they cut the health benefits for our soldiers. Interest free loan my ass. You expect us to pay for the building that we gave to you after WWII so that you could have a voice in the decision making process. We didn't have to, and looking back we probably shouldn't have, but we did it out of the kindness of our hearts and nothing less. And you took that gift from us, and used it as a tool to undermine our interests whenever possible. And now you want us to fucking pay so that you can continue to do so? Sorry boys, we have another building or three that need to be rebuilt before we get to the U.N.. But god damn I hope they move the U.N. and implode the thing. I'll drive in there to watch that shit happen, I might even video tape it and watch it in slow motion over and over, laughing the whole time. My one dream is that we forget to tell the french diplomats to leave before we do it. "Oops. I thought you got that memo!" Sorry boys, the free money shack that is the U.S. is closing up, but if your interested, we're giving away bombs with no shipping cost. And from the way you WWII refugees i mean Europeans have been acting, it looks like your interested.

Both links courtesy of LGF.

2003-06-27T12:56:00.000-04:00

I'd Doooha

Ann Coulter is making waves with her new book. So many people I read like her that they don't get links (nyah nyah) cuz I couldn't cover anybody. Some other people, like Glenn(no, the other Glenn) hate her. But nobody seems to be asking the all important question!

Yes, the age old, supposedly sexist(why though?) question. Would you bang her? So lets have a poll. Well shit, my comments are still broken(can't complain, the Klinks give me comments for free and I dunno how it works). So if they ever go back up, you can vote on the 2 versions of the question, in the format of yes/yes, yes/no, etc. If you want to vote before my comments come back, then just email me with the title Votes on the broad. So here we go:

Would you do Anne Coulter?

Would you do Anne Coulter if she wasn't famous?

My answers to these questions are yes/no.

See, I'm petty like that. And deep down, so are you.

Edit - Someone told me this is sexist because you wouldn't ask this kind of question about a male political figure. My answer to that is that every male political figure is ugly as sin, and even if you wanted to sleep with one of them, you shouldn't admit it. Its not my fault that women, on average, are much more attractive then men. But you know you woulda done Kennedy, so I don't wanna hear your shit.

Double Edit - Yes, this contest is open to women. If you find the questions offensive, then in front of both of them just put "If you were a man, " and then its fine again.

Triple Edit - If your a woman and you don't find the question offensive before you put "if you were a man, " in front of it, please attach a phone number to your votes.

Quadruple Edit - Just kidding don't tell my girlfriend.

2003-06-27T12:52:00.000-04:00

Voting for Susie

Heres my vote for Susie in the new weblog showcase.

You should vote for her too, because she rules.

2003-06-26T10:54:00.000-04:00

Yeah, Okay Buddy

I just talked to a lawyer about some traffic tickets I have. I'm not a menace on the road or anything, but Nassau county has a really friggin slow court system(little help Michele?:)) So I have a court date to discuss the 7 tickets I have gotten since 2000. I know how that sounds, but don't worry: 2 are insurance tickets because I didn't have the card(I had insurance though), 1 is expired registration and 1 is expired inspection. 1 is failure to signal, and my excuse for that is that my car is a piece of shit and it has electrical problems. So that's only 2 real tickets over 4 years, and a bunch of administrative bullshit set up to bust my balls and milk me for some cash.

So I figure I'm screwed anyway, why not hire a lawyer to handle this for me. If 250 bux can save me a day in court and drop me down a great deal of points in the process, its worth it just in saved insurance fees. So I post my little tale on one of those online lawyer referral systems, cuz its only traffic court right? One guy is as good as another. The lawyer calls me up today, he was a real nice guy and all, tells me what he can do for me, and that I could probably do it myself but he would get me a better deal and I wouldn't have to show up in court. This makes Johnny a happy camper. Then its negotiation time.

For his part, he didn't try to sell me. I'll give him that. And i'm sure the fees for his services are not open to negotiation by him, as he is part of a firm and they have their standards which they do not deviate from. But this crazy son of a bitch asked me with a dead serious voice for one thousand dollars. Not a retainer, but a flat fee, regardless of time spent. A grand. 10 benjamin franklins. What are you, fuckin stupid!?! And don't take offense to this, Tiger, because I know you're an attorney, and probably a damn good one. But if you ever called somebody up and asked for a thousand dollars for 2 hours of easy, easy work, then you should be slapped a few times for good measure. Same goes for Glenn Reynolds and any other blogger who has a law degree. Why doesn't anyone respect your profession? Because of shit like this.

What's the difference between a lawyer and a catfish?
One's a scum sucking bottom dweller, and the other one is a fish.

A thousand dollars for a few traffic infractions. I'll just head out to the money tree in my back yard and pull down a branch or two, no problem. Oh well, I wonder what he'll say when he gets my $13,000 bill for the 6 minutes of my life he wasted on the phone with me. My time is valuable, you extortionist motherfucker. So I says to this guy, I says "Listen buddy. I was born at night, but it wasn't last night. The god damn car I was in isn't even WORTH a thousand dollars. So I'll make you a deal: you get every single ticket thrown out, and I'll give you the car." And he started laughing, like I was kidding or something. Big joke, mr. smart guy attorney. Now John is somewhat amused. "Oh you think that's funny? Well I got a joke for you that's really funny. Ready for it?"
"Sure" he says.
"So click and clack are on a boat, and clack jumped off. Who's left?"

And I hung up the phone. I wonder how long he sat there before he figured it out.

2003-06-26T10:11:00.000-04:00

Now Will You Shut Your God Damn Trap?

via Instapundit

Proof of WMD in Iraq Found

Nuclear Centrifuge. Equipment for Enriching Uranium, with absolutely no plausible other use. None. There's your god damn weapons of mass destruction. He wasn't lying, and you were 100% flat wrong about every single aspect of the entire Iraq war. Now shut your pie hole and accept the fact that Bush is a better leader than any Democrat out there today. There is no more discussion, no more speculation, no more moral equivalency. It's over. You lost. Now repeat after me: "I was wrong. Bush was right. He told the truth." Then sit down and shut the fuck up, a large platter of crow will be delivered shortly.

That is all.

2003-06-25T23:24:00.000-04:00

Best Gift Ever

My girlfriend bought me the Band of Brothers DVD set for my birthday. I recommend owning this to everyone. I'm up to episode 6 right now, bastogne. I saw the whole series twice when it aired on HBO, and i'll watch it 10 more times. Its that good.

"Looks like you'll be completely surrounded in there, sir."

"We're paratroopers, son. We're supposed to be surrounded." - Captain Winters of Easy Company.

2003-06-25T09:48:00.000-04:00

Step Two - Remove Head From Ass

Courtesy of The Emporer

"When I'm president, we'll do executive orders to overcome any wrong thing the Supreme Court does tomorrow or any other day," said Rep. Dick Gephardt of Missouri.

Man, Bush doesn't even have to campaign this year!

2003-06-24T23:46:00.000-04:00

Step One - Remove Foot From Mouth

Courtesy of Sanity's Edge

BURLINGTON, Vt. - Presidential candidate Howard Dean is berating himself for saying he wanted to break into the country club of Democratic Party insiders.

The remark to Vermont reporters Monday came several days after Dean's 17-year-old son, Paul, was charged with aiding in a burglary at the Burlington Country Club.

This sounds like something I would do:)

Poor guy, he's gonna lose to revren' Al.

2003-06-24T12:44:00.000-04:00

A Whole New Level of Marketing

Via Michele

It seems from now on, the Chicago Bears will not be the Chicago Bears, but rather Bears football presented by Bank One. Michele is not too happy about this idea, but I think this would be a great opportunity for teams to display the true nature of their teams through clever marketing choices. Maybe I can even convince Bill to have a contest to come up with the best team/corporation combination! And I'll definately win because I'm gonna steal all the good ones right now!

How great would it be to turn on the game one sunday and hear this:

"Buffalo Bills football as presented by Burger King, because second place is good enough for us!"

"The New York Jets, brought to you by Milk of Magnesia - guarenteed to shit the bed in the 4th quarter."

"The New York Rangers courtesy of Cablevision - Overpriced and underperforming for years."

"The New York Giants sponsored by Mentally Handicapped Americans Incorporated - Putting the "special" in special teams"

"Microsoft gives you the New York Yankees - All your best player are belong to us."

"The New York Mets From K-Mart - junkyard quality for retail prices."

"The New York Knicks via the WTC Reconstruction Fund - Because every year is a rebuilding year." (ok that was wrong)

"The New York Islanders, brought to you by Lucent Technologies - Who knew one small island could produce so much useless shit?"

I was gonna just keep it to the New York teams, but I can't help myself with this one:

"Worldcom proudly presents the Cincinatti Bengals - Don't worry, we'll fuck it up somehow."

So how's about a contest, Bill?

2003-06-24T01:17:00.000-04:00

The Booby Traps Of Life

Now that I'm an older and more mature man of 23, I look back at the dumb kid I was a few days ago and chuckle at the misguided naivity of my youth, or some shit. Anyway, for a man of my age, the entire world is booby trapped. That's right, booby trapped. You can call it what you want: a scam, a quid pro quo, the fine print, or whatever clever label you want to slap on the booby traps that older, meaner people have laid out for you in an attempt to get your money. Here are just a few of the ones I have come across:

The Automatic Transmission - This is actually a rather ingenious piece of machinery, because of its dual application as a useful addition to an automobile and a booby trap for a young guy. An automatic transmission is perfect for old people, soccer moms, and those assholes who are always blabbing away on the cell phone or reading the paper while driving(yes, I have seen people read the paper while driving). But for a guy my age, you rip through this thing like that guy's hummer went through the crook's car. First of all, 23 year olds are mostly broke as a joke, and therefore own used automobiles. That means the transmission is probably already shot to shit in the first place, which is why that guy dumped the car on some poor sap like you for so cheap. Secondly, we like our speed up front, none of this two second delay from when you hit the pedal to when the engine actually revs. Finally, I don't like having a machine think for me, sometimes I like to let the gears twang out and run high, sometimes I like to go cheap on the gas(like when we are going to war with Iraq and its like 12 bux a thimbleful[random Simpson's quote: "My car gets 8 rods to the hogs head and gaul dangit that's the way I like it"]woah, got a little off track there). So yeah, an automatic transmission is a booby trap, and I urge anyone under the age of 40 to get a manual transmission. You may blow the clutch and be out a grand, but that's alot better than 10 g's when you inevitably make the car piss green.

The 0% Interest Credit Card - Buy now, pay later! No interest for 8000 months! Just a nominal fee of 500 dollars a day for holding the card, another standard transaction fee of 6 million each time you use it, and after 12 months the interest slightly and silently raises itself to 1/100th of a percent below what the government considers to be loansharking. But you already agreed to that stuff, because it was written on a piece of rice that was glued to the back of the contract that you signed when the Coors girl at the bar with the huge tits said she would give you a free hat if you just filled out this form and man, those things were HUGE. The hat fell apart when the rain hit it but you thought you saw part of her nipple so it was all worth it, right? Wrong, you moron, don't ever sign up for one of these things. The only credit card you should have is a debit card with a visa logo that automatically deducts from your account, or an American Express card. Why American Express? Because they don't charge you interest, just a small yearly fee, and if you don't pay up at the end of the month they just come take your stuff instead of charging you 38% interest on it. You may overspend your bounds with this thing, but you'll only do it once and you learn a valuable lesson quickly. Of course, the American Express Card comes with it's own booby trap cuz you have to be fuggin rich to qualify for one. So just borrow dad's credit card and don't come home after that weekend in atlantic city, you'll be better off.

Earn Money At Home With This Easy - It's a pyramid scheme. "But the first line of the letter says that 'THIS IS NOT A PYRAMID SCHEME'" (slap) That's because its a pyramid scheme, you fool. I don't care what it says, what it wants you to do; its a pyramid scheme. You'll never win. Tell you what, if you really want to do one of these, just send me the money, and I'll mail you a picture of my asshole. It's more return than you would get otherwise, because its a god damn pyramid scheme.

So Join Today, Membership Benefits Include... - ...us bending you over for 50 bux a year so that we can take your information and sell it to tele-marketers. In exchange, we'll send you catalogues full of shoddy merchandise for only 10% more than retail value, of which you are required to buy 1 item a month or your 50 dollar membership will be revoked.

401K - Don't bother, you're too young. You don't make any money, so your awesome 401k plan will be pathetically small and you still won't have any spending money. "But I'll get to retire earlier!" No, no you won't. You're gonna be working for at least another 30 or 40 years, which is plenty of time for some retard executive/stock broker to bankrupt all the companies you own stock in or just drive the portfolio into the ground so that he can get a few extra bucks on account transfer fees. 401k isn't for you unless you make more than 60 grand a year. And if you do make more than 60 grand a year, give me a fucking job. Seriously.

Rims, stereo, and anything else you want to do to your honda civic - Just save the money and buy yourself a nice car. That 10 grand you spent making your civic look like a lexus on acid could've gotten you a sober lexus in 2 years. And your car sounds like a weed whacker. No, it isn't really cool, it's really fucking stupid. Why not just put a neon sign on top of your car that says "I'm young and I don't have a lawyer. Pull me over!" Save the cash and get a nicer car, and keep it low profile for chrissakes.

More to come, as I notice them. This may become a weekly entry.

2003-06-24T00:35:00.000-04:00

I'm Not As Clever As I Thought I Was

Ever just think you came up with something so clever, like oh, hypothetically speaking, the name of your weblog? And then one day you find out that your not so god damn smart after all because some dude who's last name is Balkin has a friggin blog called balkinization that has been up a hell of alot longer than yours and you probably saw it one time and subconsciously stole the friggin idea from the guy who is the real clever one and your just some two bit hack who stole someone else's good idea and tried to run with it so now you gotta think up a new name which is just not happening so you gotta run the risk of meeting up with this Balkin dude one day and having him crack you one in the grill for stealing his idea and hope he hits you in the left side of your face so that your nose breaks the other way and balances out and if your really lucky you won't have to make another visit to the torture chamber that is the plastic surgeon's office but not bloody likely cuz I bet he's jacked and shatters your nose into a billion little pieces and then the plastic surgeon will be working on you for hours but at least then you'll have something good to blog about instead of stupid shit like a sign at CVS and holy crap this is one really long run-on sentence its like James Joyce only stupid so maybe like James Joyce after 200 whippits or something but anyway I guess I technically stole the name from this guy named Balkin but I didn't do it intentionally and I'm not changing it so if I put him on my blogroll it's like the same as being even right well no not really so if I don't blogroll him maybe he will just never find out and I can go on riding his coattails to infamy unnoticed unless one of you bastards tell him about it or until one day you meet up with this Balkin dude and you already know where this goes so now it's like an infinite loop so I can stop typing cuz it already goes on forever so keep it real and don't steal or you'll end up eating prison meals.

2003-06-24T00:23:00.000-04:00

Roll That Shit, Highlight That Shit, Click It

Seems to me that after a fisking, another right of passage in creating a blog is to write a post on how to make a good blogroll. So I'd like to take this opportunity to explain to all you plebians and peons on just how one should go about making a good, solid roll of blogs for your readers to enjoy:

1. Make a list of the blogs you read all the time.
2. Post the list on your blog in hyperlink form.

There you have it, folks.

2003-06-24T00:19:00.000-04:00

New Look, Same Foul Stench!

Well I finally got off my arse and made me one of them purty blogrolls. I had to change the format of the page to get them where i wanted them to be, so I hope you like the new look of the slightly different, yet still standard and unaltered format. I think I broke the comments, though, so I'd like to take this opportunity to point out what a loser you are(yes, YOU) and how much I secretly loathe you. Unless the comments work, and then I was just kidding.

2003-06-23T15:10:00.000-04:00

Act Of Attrition

Everyone at my office chipped in and got me a cheesecake for my birthday. I had to walk into the conference room and stand there while they sung "happy birthday" to me in the usual off-key tones of a crowd of random people. And as anyone who has experienced this knows, that is the longest 20 seconds of intense embarassment one can hope to acheive in such a setting. It was like torture, but with such good intentions that you have to just grin and bear it. It was really sweet of them; so sweet, in fact, that I didn't have the heart to tell them that i fucking hate cheesecake. So i sat there and forced down a slice of that nasty, spooge looking stuff with a crowd of people watching. I don't think I could handle this more often than once a year.

2003-06-23T14:01:00.000-04:00

Stuff That Pissed Me Off This Weekend

It was a long weekend, and there was plenty of stuff I wanted to post about. So i'll just throw out the bare bones here and see what I like in a few hours, and maybe write a longer post on one of the topics:

1. CVS - I walk into a CVS and there's a sign that says they're hiring. On the bottom it says that they are an equal opportunity affirmative action employer. Uhm? Maybe I'm wrong, but don't you have to be either one or the other and not both!?! As I understand it, if you're equal opportunity then everyone gets judged by the same standards, and if you're affirmative action then you hire people of different races and sexes so that your staff's racial and genital status reflect the same percentage as the population as a whole. Yes, genital status. That's what it really comes down to, now doesn't it? You can only have so many dicks in one place, and they have to be multi-colored.

2. Lennox Lewis, Shut the fuck up - I'm tired of hearing this guy talk. You ain't Mohammed Ali, you ain't one of the greatest of all time, and you just barely squeeked out against a russian dude who was supposed to be a joke fight for you. You don't get to talk shit when you lose on all 3 score cards, just because the guy busted his face open. Especially since he was kicking your ass pretty good with only 1 eye. Shut your mouth and maybe lose some of that gut for the next fight and you won't get embarrased by a nobody from the Ukraine.

3. Crazy Russian Phd, why are you boxing? - I think this guy is a communist experiment from the 70's. He's 6'8, he has a twin brother, he has a Phd, and he was fighting for the world championship. Steriods can only get you so far man, i think this guy has an altered genome. It was like Rocky meets Twins, but both twins are Arnold Schwartzenagger[sic i think?].

4. Stop Picking on Mike Tyson - Okay, the man is a psycho. We all know it. So what in the world would make you follow him upstairs after he told you to leave him alone, then tell him you had a gun, and then hit him with a lead pipe? What the hell were you THINKING man!?! And lo and behold, Tyson drops you like a rock, because he's a psychopath and you're a drunken idiot who thinks a lead pipe would phase a man who was once heavyweight champion of the world. Tyson should sue THEM for damages, but we all know Mike is gonna have to pay up a plenty, just cuz he's Tyson. Shit like that pisses me off like you wouldn't believe. At some point, the guy has to defend himself. The two fools who decided to bum rush him should be shot under darwinian law - Rule #1 is don't start a fight you can't win, you stupid son of a bitch!

5. Kile - This is a touchy one, so don't take it the wrong way. It is a terrible tragedy what happened to that man (died in his sleep last year, 33 years old, left a wife and 4 or 5 young kids). A terrible tragedy. Over 100 American men and women died in a similarly tragic circumstance, many of whom left a wife and children father/husbandless as well. At least Kile left them with financial security. The men and women who died serving our country get a funeral check for like 50 grand and have a nice life kiddo, thanks for the hand, love Uncle Sam. And they get 10 seconds of their name scrolling on the bottom of Fox News, at 4 am going 35 mph. Kile's wife gets a 20 minute spot on a nationally syndicated sports show that runs all day and all night. All i'm saying is that if we can pay homage like this to a baseball player who died of natural causes, where is the god damn respect for the men and women who died fighting the fucking war!?! Yeah yeah, a billion dollars for AIDS in africa, 6 billion for Egypt for just being there, but sorry to the U.S. Army we can't afford to pay your medicare cuz we gave all the money to the country we just sent you in to destroy. Get your shit together Bush, and get your priorities straight. It's stuff like this that makes people vote for democrats, and I don't want to have to move to Canada when Al Sharpton gets elected.

6. The friggin weather - Yeah yeah, nobody cares. But its rained 39 of the past 41 days here, and its been sunny most of the day for the past 5 friggin mondays. I really am starting to believe that the government has secretly learned to control the weather, and this year they are just off by like 2 days, because if today was saturday instead of monday, this would've been the 5th straight beautiful weekend. Instead, its the 5th straight week you want to either quit your job or kill yourself cuz your tired of looking at the only spot of sun you'll see this week as you trek from your car to your office.

7. 5 bucks a beer and you can't smoke inside - Dear New York State Government,
Go Fuck Yourself.
Signed, every smoker in the state.

8. Memory - I had more shit to whine and complain about, but now I can't remember cuz my memory sucks. So this will be the end of the whining and complaining for today. More bitching later.

2003-06-23T10:40:00.000-04:00

Lileks Doesn't Know What He's In For

I went to read the bleat today and I saw this at the top of it:

"National programming note: Hugh Hewitt will be throwing softballs at my head on his national radio show at 5:20 PM Central Time."

I e-mailed him. I tried to warn him. If any of you have any kind of correspondance with this man, get his attention. He's gonna end up like my stupid ass. He doesn't know what he's getting into I tells ya, or else he would never do it!

(If you don't know what im talking about, just scroll down. )

2003-06-23T00:37:00.000-04:00

Who's Up After Todd Zeile?

The other team.

Or at least that's how the old baseball addage goes. The former met turned yankee is a notorious in my neck of the woods for choking with the game on the line. I'll cut to the chase: this guy sucks. So when he came up in the 9th inning with the mets up a run, I didn't even want to watch. Talk about a perfect victim, Todd Zeile is batting .200 this year (riding the Mendoza line), he is 0 for his last 20(saturdays homerun and single didn't count cuz of the rainout) and he is the only guy on the yankees who is slower than Don Zimmer. I mean seriously, this guy gets thrown out at first from left field. So what does Armondo Benitez do when he gets up? Walks him on 4 pitches. I swear to god i thought i was watching Major League.

"Juuuuuuuust a bit outside, ball 12. How are guys laying off pitches this close?"

Benitez walked 4 batters in the 9th inning. That's as many walks as David Wells has given up this year. So the Yankees tied the game without getting a hit, and we go on to the 11th inning, where the Yankees once again get the bases walked full for them, and then finally manage to get a friggin hit. They scored 4 runs on 2 hits, that's one of the most pathetic stats I have ever heard.

It was an ugly win, but I'll take it. Mariano Rivera got player of the game, but it shoulda gone to Benitez for handing the yankees the win. For real man, Todd Zeile is up with a man on first, you could put the ball up on a tee and the guy would still hit into a double play. Ugly, ugly loss for the mutts tonight. And how Cliff Floyd strikes out to a guy who's best pitch is a change up is beyong me. Is it really that hard to sit on a 65 mph meatball over the middle of the plate? I guess it is, cuz these guys can't manage to do it. I could go on for hours about everything that went wrong in this game, but it can all be summed up with one factual statement:

Gibson got picked off in the 11th inning, on 2nd base.

He's probably cleaning out his locker as I type this. Absolutely pathetic.

2003-06-21T11:08:00.000-04:00

Happy Birthday To Meh!

June 21st. My birthday. 23 today, woo fuckin hoo. 2 more years till that car insurance break. What a shitty in between year birthday. Oh well, I guess im getting old, because i really dont care at all that its my birthday today. All i wanted to do was play 18 holes and then go buy my new car.

The car will be ready on wednesday, and its fucking pouring here, for the 18,000th weekend in a row. Great day.

I'm gonna go get drunk now:)

Edit: Yes, it is 11 am. What of it!?!

2003-06-21T11:06:00.000-04:00

DenBeste Has Lost It

I dunno what kind of flu that guy had, but its obviously affecting his brain. The guy I read to get challenged mentally each day, who has the most keen insights and understandings to everything from military tactics to quantum physics, is writing about Harry fucking Potter today. Somebody, somewhere, start a war for chrissakes.

2003-06-20T15:51:00.000-04:00

Votes

Here's my votes for the new weblog showcase. All of the people i vote for should also vote for me, lest i hire orrin hatch to travel thru his phonelines and destroy your computer from within.

1. Hi! I'm Black! - Glenn is good when he's funny and good when he's serious. His topics are always interesting, and his writing has a good touch of the real to it. The picture on his main page is also histerical.

2. Across, Beyond, Through - Didn't get a chance to read through the rest of his blog, but this piece is exceptional. Very well written, very touching, very real. Everyone can identify with it, and I dunno how else to describe it; sometimes you just know what is good and what isn't. This is good. This is very good.

And finally:

3. Obnoxious Fumes - cuz he is dogging Michael Moore pretty hard, and I like it. Short and sweet, right to the point. works for me.

2003-06-20T14:33:00.000-04:00

Find Joy In My Suffering!

Back by popular demand, here is the full recount of my 3 part tangle with excrutiating pain.

6/2/03 - Life Tells me, "Grab Your Ankles!"

Man, did I get shit on this weekend. Thursday my parents went away for 10 days. Sounds like the start of a great weekend. So thursday night, I'm at my softball game, just waiting for it to be over so we can all go bbq and get wasted in my backyard. About the 4th inning of the second game I hit a bomb to left field, home run. The weekend keeps getting better and better, and it ain't even friday yet! But wait, whats this? A hard hit ground ball to second? No problem, I sez to myself, so I bend down to get it...Hey, it looks like the ball might hit that rock-THUD! Bright stars buzzing around.

2 hours later, the doctor puts that 13th stitch into the bridge of my nose, and explains to me that I broke my nose in 3 different places. How you break 1 bone in 3 places is beyond me, but I guess that's why I can't afford a real website.

So here I am, 22 years old with the house to myself for 10 days, and a huge bag of frozen peas covering my face. Of course the painkillers they gave me(which don't work) don't mix very well with alcohol, so I get to hear all my friends get drunk while I suffer in the darkness of the green giant's bounty.

But what's this in the mail? It looks important. Oh, thats right, its the summons for that traffic infraction I committed over 2 friggin years ago, for next tuesday! Boy, it should be fun to explain to the judge that whatever I did wasn't my fault, even though I can't even remember what the hell the ticket was for, while staring at him through two huge swollen eyes. No sir, I didn't get into a fight, I just suck at softball. Suuuuuure.

Well my answering machine is blinking, maybe there's some good news on there. Let's see. First is the auto dealership, calling to tell me that the blue color on the 2004 subaru impreza RS is not the same blue that they have in the commercials, but rather a gay purplish thing that looks strangely similar to the color of my face after a few hours of swelling. Oh cruel fate, what more could you do to me? The next message MUST be good news, because bad luck comes in 3s, and we just got a hattrick on the car, right? Wrong! Next message is my dear, sweet sister, explaining to me that she made it safely upstate where she will spend the weekend. Innocent enough, it seems. But there's more! She casually forgot to bring the dog's medicine with her, but not because she forgot. Oh no, that would be much too simple. She accidentally took the wrong bottle, and the painkillers that don't mix with alcohol are in her luggage, while I am home to be conforted by antibiotics designed for a sheltie. Fucking Awesome.

6/5/03 - Thank You Sir, May I Have Another?

Tuesday I went to see the ENT(ear, nose, throat) doctor to see if i did any damage to my sinuses, after my golden glove performance last thursday. They told me all he had to do was take a look and make sure my sinus cavity wasn't damaged. What they neglected to mention on the phone of course, is that to look at my sinus cavity requires them to shove a fiber optic cable up there and wiggle it around. So I'm sitting in this chair, and the doctor has this weird tube run up my nose, about as thick as a paper clip, and he's rifling around in there, looking for bone chips, blood clots, and small stray rodents. This is a sensation I have never felt before; its not pain exactly, although it is excrutiatingly painful. Put it this way; when someone told you what an ear whig does if it gets into your ear, and you imagined what that would feel like as it tunneled toward your brain, that idea you had is what this feels like in real life. So im in this chair, wishing I had never seen the movie "Total Recall", and let me just tell you, I was ready to tell this guy where Bin Laden was hiding if he would just pull the thing out of my nose. Seriously, get this guy down to Gitmo and we'll have Al Queda in no time. So he's digging around in there and the nurse knocks on the door and calls the doctor, so he looks at me and goes "excuse me a minute". WHAT!?! So this guy leaves me sitting in my little chair, with a foot and a half of fiber optic cable up my nose; when I reallized that this is what it would look like to use cocaine intravenusly. For some reason I found that amusing, and I started to laugh to myself. BAD IDEA. I dont know what I did, but while I was laughing I guess I shook the cord loose and it came out that little hole in the back of my throat that my nose is connected to, only i thought it was a loogie. So I cleared my throat and low and behold, the other end of the tube was in my mouth. I pulled it out a little bit, and I saw the end coming out of my mouth. That shit freaked me out in a way I couldn't describe, and I said "Holy shit!" really, really loud (it probably sounded more like "hnnly shhhht"). The doctor came running in all scared, and he saw me sitting there like a retarded chimpanzee playing with an electrician's snake. So he grabs the cord, and whips it out of my nose at a tremendous speed. Now THAT shit hurt. The doctor then gave me that weird, crooked head, confused dog look, and the rest of the time I was there, he talked to me like I was a 4 year old child. I wonder why that was. Anyway I got a clean bill of health, so I never have to see that guy again. Which is good, because he was probably half a step from perscribing me a helmet.

So then today I went back to the plastic surgeon, who took my stitches out. Sorry folks, but this actually went according to procedure. I think he talked to the ENT though, because I was not once left unattended in his office, which is too bad, because he had a fun looking box of used syringes...Anyway, my nose is now shaped like a bannana, so next thursday I get to have it reset, which sounds like loads of fun. The doctor was kind enough to describe the process to me in detail: He will jam cotton into my nose until as full of shit as a Clinton(zing!), shoot me full of sweet, sweet novicaine, and then pop my nosebone back into its original position. What kind of neat, high tech gadget will he be using to do this, you ask? His friggin hand! And he's gonna get paid probably more than a thousand dollars to do it! What fuckin scam. Maybe I'll set up a street nose clinic; you break your nose, and for 50 bux ill grab that shit and yank it back into place. Im not really looking forward to it, in case you didn't notice. And that of course, lead me to write this form letter, and distribute it accordingly:

Dear little league baseball coach,

I don't know if you remember me, but I was once a player on your little league team. I was a good student, and when you told me to get down on ground balls, and stay in front of them, I did my best to listen and follow your advice, and I have kept it with me all these years. For all your hard work and dedication, there's something I want to tell you, and I mean it from the bottom of my heart:

Thanks for nothing, you son of a bitch. I'll get you for this, if its the last thing I do.

Sincerely,

John "The Face" Collins

6/13/03 "Don't worry, this will just take a second..."

So at the ungodly hour of 7:30 this morning I wander into the doctor's office to get my nose set. I've been hearing horror stories about what he is gonna do to me all week; one lady said they are gonna pack my nose with cotton and hit it with a ball-peen hammer, another guy said they are gonna just grab my nose and snap it back into place. Unfortunately, the people I talk to on a daily basis are completely retarded, as you may have noticed by now. So I go in there, I get into my little room and Im lying on this bed-bench type thing that moves; like the ones on the informercial. So the doctor comes in and talks to me a little bit, and then we start to play every doctor's most favoritist game in the whole wide world: "Does this hurt?"

I am not a medical doctor. But in my years of playing "Does this hurt?", I have found that on a pretty consistent basis, the doctor will poke at you a bit and say, "Does this hurt?"(Hence the name) and you reply yes or no. It's fairly simple and easy to understand. But today, "Does this hurt?" was a 1 player game. The doctor would push on a spot on my nose, and say(you guessed it) "Does this hurt?" and I would say, "Yeah, that fucking hurts!". Now, whenever I have played this game in the past, when you answer "yes", it implies that the doctor should stop doing whatever the hell it is that he is doing. But ohhh nooo, not today! Today "Yes" means "Push harder, you sadistic son of a bitch!"

This went on for about 5 minutes. He would poke the bridge of my nose in a spot, and I would say "Oww." He would then take his thumb, and push on the afformentioned spot as hard as he could, as I lay there in agony. I finally had to ask him, "Do you hear me telling you that it hurts?" To which he replied, "Yes, but it's supposed to hurt." Well why the hell are you asking me then!?!

So after a few hearty rounds of poke-n-squirm, good ole doc decides maybe I can have some novicaine now. How charitible of you. So he shoots me full of sweet, face numbing liquid and we wait for it to set in. About 5 minutes after, he comes back, and we are ready to begin. He pulls out this little tool that looks like a tiny pitching wedge, and shoves that shit up my nose. "Don't worry, this will just take a second" he says, and we all know what that means. He shoulda just told me it was going to hurt him alot more than it would hurt me, for all the comfort I got out of such a statement. And it's about this time that I realize, although my cheeks and upper lip are all numb, my nose is still surprisingly sensitive. This does not bode well at all. I wanted to tell him, but I didn't get a chance before he jammed that shit into my eye socket.

This was the single most intense pain I have ever felt in my life. The doctor is using this little wedge thing to push my nosebone back out of the indent, and he is using my upper lip as a point of leverage. So I grab the edge of the bed to squeeze instead of crying like a little girl, and its a good thing I did. Apparently, I am a very fast healer. The doc was having alot of trouble moving my nose bone, and at one point he lifted my entire body off of the bed while pulling up on his little tool. I weigh about 200 lbs, and this man has me suspended in air by a 4 inch metal rod, which is inserted in my right nostril. Good times, good times.

At least now, no one can tell me I don't know what its like to be a vietnamese prostitute. So I got that going for me. Which is good.

Time for part two, the left side of my crooked ass nose. The good news is, this part doesn't involve a metal shard entering one of my orifices. The bad news is, we do this one the old fashioned way. The doctor puts his two thumbs on the left side of my nosebone, and pushes, really really hard. Honestly, I'm glad this part was second, because compared to part one this was like a vacation. So he does what he has to do, and then we put the cast on. Don't get it wet, don't poke at it, don't use it to re-broadcast major league baseball, blah blah blah. So now we're all done; I got this weird white peice of plastic cemented to my face. The doctor says I should wait 5 or 10 minutes before driving; probably because I was stumbling from wall to wall as I walked down the hallway. So I serve my timeout, and set up my appointment to get the cast removed(only 1 week, woohoo). The receptionist asks me where I'm going, and I tell her im going down stairs to smoke a cigarette while I wait for my ride. And then she casually said something that I will never forget for the rest of my life:

"Oh, well be careful. If the spark gets too close to the cast, it will burst into flames."

They fucking boobytrapped my face. I have a cast that crumbles if it gets wet, and explodes into flames on first contact with a spark. I shoulda stayed at 2nd base, where it was safe. I can't wait till the inevitable part 4 of this story, where I light my head on fire, then have to go back to plastic surgeon and explain to him that I should not be allowed within 50 feet of things that burn, melt, or explode, much less have them glued to my grill. I wonder what sadistic devices of torture he will use to treat that injury? The only way to find out is to keep reading my blog! (Now I have you, muhuhuhahaha)

2003-06-20T14:27:00.000-04:00

Copping Out

I want to enter the new weblog showcase again and crush my enemies with righteous fury, but i haven't got anything good to say. The road rage thing is cute, but too much set up and not enough payoff, im not that proud of it. So since I suck and the creative juices are just not flowing, im going to repost all 3 parts of my adventures in facial restructuring as a single post and enter it into the contest. Yeah im a wuss, but you know its funnier than anything else on this site so far, so vote for it or ill kill a bunny rabbit.

2003-06-20T13:22:00.000-04:00

Road Rage: Sociopathic Disorder or Good Clean Fun?

I hear alot about road rage. Supposedly road rage is when you get angry at other people who act like assholes when they drive their car. In other words, road rage is completely rational behavior, only done in a moving automobile. Im tired of hearing about the psychos on the road, and how out of hand road rage leads to murder, accidents and nuclear holocaust(yeah, i have a nukular powered geo metro, what of it!?!). This is a bunch of bullshit being dished out by the same people who convinced you that SARS is the next plague(with its ph34rful 2% mortality rate) and the ever popular "Duck and Cover" to survive the blast of an A-Bomb.

Its like this: people are assholes. Everyone. You're an asshole, im an asshole, that guy you work with who always says please and thank you, he probably gets drunk and beats his dog every night. The only reason these people are not assholes all the time is because they have friends and acquantences whom they must treat civilly in order to get along with each day. Whereas on the road, such friendship is non-existant; you could give less than a shit about the guy in the 83 pinto who's going 20 mph in the left lane. To prove this, im going to relate a little story:

I was in upstate New York one time, and my mom and my uncle were coming up for the weekend. Mom got their first, and she was fuming mad, screaming about some nutjob in a brown conversion van who almost killed her at a tollbooth, and how she would give him a piece of her mind if she ever saw him again. She was absolutely livid. 15 minutes later, said uncle arrives, driving (what else) a brown conversion van. He entered the house also fuming mad, screaming about some idiot in a white mini-van who almost killed HIM at a tollbooth, and let out a group of explitives that would make Frank J. cry and hug a monkey. 2 minutes later, they came to the realization that they were talking about each other. All of the afformentioned "road rage" dissipated immediately. They were both ready to kill that "other guy", until they found out that the other guy was actually someone they knew, and all of a sudden it wasn't a big deal at all.

Road rage is not a problem. People get pissed because other people are assholes, it happens millions of times every day in every part of the world. Sometimes it happens in a car, and all of a sudden its a god damn epidemic threatening the lives of millions of Americans. I think its better to get upset at said idiot and let it out, rather than to allow that rage to boil and fester until your hair falls out and you assassinate a political figure. That's how it happens you know; Lee Harvey Oswald got cut off on the way to the parade and the rest is history. All because he was too polite to flip the guy off and be done with it. What a shame.

Because of the true epidemic of suppressed anger, which threatens the life of our leaders, I have compiled a list of a few tactics which will help one express their road rage in a rather uncivilized fashion.

1. Old Faithful - The bird. The one man salute. The finger. This is good for minor road rage, such as being cut off, or people going slow, turning without a blinker, or driving for miles with their blinker on and then finally turning after you assume that they are too old and senile to believe their blinker is on. This is the green level of the Homeland security guide to road rage.

2. Brake Check - The yellow level of road rage. This is applicable for people who cut you off and then go slow, people who box you in, almost hit you, and other similar infractions. The brake check is a simple procedure; bide your time until you can get infront of the offending asshole, and then slam on your brakes as hard as you can, but only for a second. After slamming on your brakes, it is important that you accelerate as quickly as possible, so as to avoid being struck in the rear. If you fail to complete this manuever, you will be rear ended by an asshole, and they will be pissed. If you don't think you can handle it, dont do it. and at the least, keep a small baseball bat or a mag lite with a minimum size of 3 d cell batteries to deal with the enraged motorist. The good news is that when someone strikes you in the rear, its their fault, regardless of what stupid shit you did wrong. Always repeat the mantra, "I saw a squirrel!"

***DISCLAIMER - All the activities listed below this line are most definately illegal. Do not attempt these if you are a law abiding citizen(pussy), or if you don't enjoy a good conversation with an angry police officer. In fact, nobody should ever do these things, ever. But its fun to think about doing them sometimes.

3. Buzzing the Tower - This is one of my personal favorites. Buzzing the tower is good for people going rediculously slow on a highway. This is not recommended for regular road use. To "Buzz the tower" is to pass someone while getting uncomfortably close to hitting them. If done properly, the front corner of your bumper should be about 4 inches away from the rear bumper of the victim(WATCH FOR BRAKELIGHTS). Then you pass the car, while keeping less than an arm's length of distance between the two vehicles. Finally, you must re-merge into the victims lane in front of them, getting your rear bumper again within 4 inches of their front bumper. This scares the shit out of people. Visibly. If its daytime, you can check your rear mirror and you can see their face twisted in horror, and then watch it shift to murderous rage. They won't do anything back to you though, because obviously your a psychopath and shouldn't be messed with. Plus you probably have a bat or a maglite in your car.

4. The Flaming Torpedo (smokers only) - This is a limited use tactic, as it only really works well done from a car onto an SUV. What you do is you take a lit cigarette, and puff it pretty fast so that you get a nice big cherry on the end. Once the size is sufficient, you hold your cigarette out the window on top of your car. If you have grooved door lines, it will catch good wind in those, they make a good launching pad. You hold the cigarette, cherry side back, and release into the wind, with a little twist to get it rotating(like a football). If done correctly, the cigarette will hit the windshield of the SUV behind you, and explode into a shower of sparks, again scaring the shit out of the driver. Only do this to people who have seriously wronged you, people, as sometimes it will cause said driver to jerk the wheel. I've never seen it cause an accident, but the potential is definately there. Best saved for empty roads, and for real deal assholes, like people who tailgate and draft you for 3 miles or more.

5. The Big Brown Bomb - You need some sort of brown, carbonated drink in a plastic bottle for this. Its a bit tricky, so you should probably never do this to anyone. You drink about half of the liquid, and then you close the cap just enough, and then you shake it for like half an hour, until its severely pressurized. Then you hold it out the window, and lob it up and pray that it hits the car your aiming for. If done properly, it will explode on impact, covering the other car with soda. Now hitting the windshield is always fun; but thats not the true nature of this attack. The real bitch of it is that soda gets all over the exterior of the car, and the windshield wipers, and it gets extremely sticky and gross. The victim will probably have to replace the windshield wipers, and have the car detailed to get all the brown stains off of the front grill of the car. If you are really feeling superiorly evil, do this with diet soda. Diet soda's sugar substitute eats away the clear coat and finish on car paint. If left overnight, it will eat away the actual paint as well, leaving a big metallic mark in the middle of a paint job, which will rust up in like 2 days if it isn't treated. This is only for use against people who have seriously endangered your life multiple times.

So there you have a list of various misdemeanors and felonies. Never do any of these things, as I have only heard about them, and never done any of them myself. EVER. EVER EVER EVER. (stare) But now you know what to expect when someone driving near you suffers from road rage. These tactics are guarenteed to infuriate the victim, and give the perpetrator a sense of vigilante justice on the concrete jungle that is the highway. If they didn't work, ill give you a full refund, which is nothing, so your refund will consist of a picture of me giving you old faithful. That is all.

2003-06-19T23:23:00.000-04:00

Bush Lays the Law Down

Alot of people wonder why I like President Bush. I'll tell you why; the man has a sack made of cast iron. Cahones. Basketballs for nuts. The dude has balls, plain and simple.

According to this article, Bush said this:
"The international community must come together to make it very clear to Iran that we will not tolerate the construction of a nuclear weapon"

And people say the guy has no diplomatic skills! Comeon now, this guy's from Texas. That's what he said, but you know what he really thinks is more along the lines of:

"Them a-rabs over there are gettin more ornery than Bill Clinton! If'n they don't cut out that there nukular bomb buildin, ima russle me up a posse and open up a can of woopass on those raghead motherfuckers. I'll put the fear of god into ya, you hear me boy?? That's right, now you done play nice with them half-bible folks, cuz half a bible is better'n no bible t'all, which is what you got, cameljockey."

Then he would hock one into a spittoon and take a swig of Jack Daniels. That's a man I would vote for, anyway.

All things considered, that is an excellent bit of diplomatic restraint. Of course, if he wasn't such a little girl about foreign policy, the pilgrimage to mecca would be a 1 way trip due to the severe radiation in the area for the next 500 years. If i were in charge, Wyoming would currently be New Israel, and Iraq would be the center of a crater so large that French people would be growing tails right now. [Insert cheese eating surrender monkey joke].

So yeah, for no reason in particular, Bush decided to start provoking the Iranian mullahs. Great timing, considering they are about 30 seconds away from a civil war there. I like this manuever, in fact I like it alot. Iran is one of those "face" cultures, where appearances are more important than reality(see also, Long Island). The best way to deal with people like this is to fuck with their heads as much as possible, and change the way you treat them for no particular reason. It makes them completely loco. How do I know this? Because I have friends and relatives like that, and it amuses me to make them squirm. Sure its a little more complex on the national and international levels, but not that much more complex. After all these Iranians aren't like elected leaders or anything, they are sheltered royalty who have been handed everything on a platter their whole lives, including their sovreignty. People like that are psychologically weak because they never had it hard, and so when trying to set them up for a fall (and make no mistake, this is exactly what Bush is doing), the best way to do it is to fuck with their heads for a while, get them nice and confused, and then backside them with a coup or a nuke or something. Im still pulling for the nuke, but the pragmatic in me sez that it aint gonna happen.

So vote Collins in 2004, and I swear to nuke the middle east and make cigarette smoking legal everywhere. Thank you, and god bless America.

2003-06-18T16:36:00.000-04:00

That's Fucking Awesome

I bash the french plenty. Hell, I post over at Pave France. But today, I have been humbled by the mastery of french diplomacy. I don't know how they did it.

The United States method of dealing with terrorism in the past 2 years has been to hunt down and kill the terrorist pigdogs like so many rabid squirrels. Its an effective method, but it is costly in money, manpower, and loss of life. The french always said that we could talk these things out, and we scoffed at them. They said they could solve things through diplomacy, and we openly mocked them. Well I'll be eating a big bucket of crow with a shiteating grin on my face today, because french diplomacy has managed to convince Iranian terrorist supporters to light themselves on fire!.

Of course this was never the intent of the french government, but that's besides the point.

Not much more to be said, except thats fucking awesome.

I found this at LGF

2003-06-18T12:20:00.000-04:00

Random Thoughts for Today

Nothing good to write about, so just some random stuff.

I have a franchise in MVP baseball 2003. Its the Yankees. Every time I play the Mets, the first time Mike Piazza comes up, I put Roger Clemens in and bean him. It just feels right.

I need to come up with something good for the new blog showcase, since I only got a pathetic 2 votes last time. But you people only enjoy my pain, and im not breaking any more bones this month. Someone else get hurt and tell me about it. Comeon, take one for the team.

I'm not gonna be able to pick up my new car on my birthday, which is a shot in the balls.

It's gonna pour on my birthday, which also means the Met/Yankee game will be rained out, so that's a double shot in the balls.

I made the finals in Frank J.'s caption contest, which rules. Unfortunately, most of the other entries are funnier than mine, so no free t-shirt. Yet another shot in the balls.

That's a compilation of 4 shots in the balls. And I would say getting hit in the sack 4 times is also a shot in the balls, making a grand total of 5 shots in the balls.

You can calculate how many octives your voice will be raised from being kicked repeatedly in the balls by taking the diameter of your left nut, and multiplying it by 2pi.

I just made that up, so don't try it.

I kicked my girlfriend's ass at mini golf last night, and rubbed it in until she got mad and stopped talking to me. I'm mature like that.

I heard a radio commercial last night that said "1 in 3 people who are HIV positive don't know it." Well if they don't know it, how the fuck do you know!?! And why haven't you told them yet, you sadistic bastards!?! Scaring people into HIV testing makes me want to murder insects and small animals.

And by "insects and small animals" I mean liberals and hippies.

Some guy shit the bed yesterday and rolled an oil tanker on the L.I.E.. It was a complete clusterfuck, and the driver died. My boss said "People who commit suicide are so inconsiderate", because he's a bitter and cynical old man.

I overslept that day and was an hour late for work, but nobody noticed, because everyone was an hour late because of the afformentioned clusterfuck. If I hadn't overslept, I would've been real close to the oil truck when it flipped over; I go to work at about the same time, and it happened at the ramp I take every morning. If I were a religious person, this would be weird. But i'm not, so we'll just call it dumb luck.

I went to church on sunday. Didn't go to the mass, or even in the church, but I went in the back of the parking lot and dumped some old clothes into the bin. To balance my Chi, I smoked a cigarette while I was doing it, and left the butt in the grass next to the church.

My cousin is graduating from middle school, and I have to go to a party with a bunch of 12 year olds and I have to wear a fucking suit. When I graduated college, I had a barbeque and she had to wear shorts and a t-shirt. That inconsiderate little snot.

The cast on my nose comes off tomorrow. With any luck, that will go extraordinarily badly, and I'll have something to write about for the weblog showcase.

Actually the cast came off on monday. I didn't want to tell the doctor it came off, because the reason it came off is that I was playing golf in the rain and got it wet. So I went to the E.R. to see if they could glue it back on for me real quick, but they wanted me to do paperwork and sit there. Fuck that. So I went to the pharmacy, and asked the pharmacist what I should use to reattach the thing. He gave me this shitty tape that I have to change every night to stick it to my face. The bastard had the balls to say "Don't worry, its flesh colored tape. People will hardly even notice it!"
That's right asshole, nobody will notice the 2 inch thick neon peach tape that I have to wrap around my head 6 times to get it to stick. Im pale and pasty white, you dumb fuck, plain white tape is closer to my skin color than this shit.

I think I have a problem with misdirected rage. It's not the pharmacists fault the tape doesn't match my skin, after all; its the government's fault.

I found a site that linked to my metallica post that was written in swedish. That's fuckin weird.

If you can read swedish, I would love to know what that shit says, by the way:)

Alot of other, more popular blogs have merchandise that they sell. But cheap t-shirts and coffee mugs aren't a great way to milk a cash cow. So im thinking about a Collinization stress toy, which would be one of those little bobble-head dolls, shaped like your narrator(that's me, you idiot). When you hit it in the face with a pen, the nose will snap over to the left, and then you can shove a little pin up it's nose and bend it back to straight. Maybe even give it one of those little motion activated voice things, and it can scream in agony. Who wants one?

I'm gonna change the subtitle of my site, because it annoys me. The new one is gonna be just as stupid, but slightly less annoying for a little while.

This is starting to get pretty weak, and I should probably wrap it up.

New York is a pretty ironic place. After 9/11, you would think everyone here would be pissed. But it turns out NY is full of people who's thinking goes along the lines of, "Its our fault 9/11 happened, we must have done something to anger these Muslim people for them to lash out this way. We need to change the way we behave toward them so it doesn't happen again." The ironic part is that in the wake of this, the same people who beleived those things elected a woman as a senator and a jew as the mayor. ?????????????????????????????

2003-06-17T14:32:00.000-04:00

Popping My Cherry

I think there's a blogging rule that once your blog has existed for 2 weeks, you have to fisk someone. But I don't like fisking, and this site has a name god damnit, so its time to pop my cherry. Without further ado, I bring you:

The Collinization of Bill O'Reilly

Bill O'Reilly is apparently a frenchman. Much like the brilliant Socialists of the EU, big ole Billy thinks its unfair that people can write down their thoughts on the internet and share them with other people. Its not fair! They say things about me that I don't like, and they dont let me respond on their website, so my only option is to talk about it on my nationally syndicated television show! But don't take it from me, get it straight from the horse's mouth:

"Sex, lies and videotape on the Internet, that's the subject of this evening's Talking Points Memo. Nearly everyday, there's something written on the Internet about me that's flat out untrue. And I'm not alone. Nearly every famous person in the country's under siege."

Under Siege! My god, this is more serious than I thought! You know its bad when you describe it with titles of b-rate action movies. This free speech going on in the internet is turning into a real Blood Sport! Only the Strong can survive this onslaught of Vigilante Justice! Seriously, all the criticism I get from regular people on the internet is way Over The Top.

Today's example comes from Web sites that picked up a false report from The San Francisco Chronicle that said a San Francisco radio station dropped The Radio Factor. If anyone had bothered to make even one phone call, they would have learned that Westwood One made a deal with another San Francisco radio station, weeks ago to move The Radio Factor. Thus the word "dropped" is obviously inaccurate and dishonest. We'll see if The Chronicle runs a correction, but you can bet you won't be seeing many corrections on the net.

Well gee, Bill, maybe you should be complaining about the inaccuracy of a news corporation, rather than the people who take what is printed by said corporation as fact. It's not Joe 12 pack's fault that the communist chronicle can't get its facts straight. I mean hell, its not like we're talking about the NY times here. How could he have known?

Oh that's right, he should've made a phone call. If you'll just post your phone number in the book(I checked under arrogant prick, and it wasn't there), I'll be happy to call you up and run this stuff by you before I post it on my weblog.
Speaking of dishonest, telling people to make phone calls to check facts when you and your corporation make it impossible to contact you or anyone associated with your shitty television show, sounds a bit hypocritical in retrospect, no?

The reason these net people get away with all kinds of stuff is that they work for no one. They put stuff up with no restraints. This, of course, is dangerous, but it symbolizes what the Internet is becoming.

Wow, Bill. You're a better journalist than I thought. Your material comes pre-parodied! People who don't have restraints on their thought and speech are dangerous! Quick, get the duct tape, these people are forming independent opinions for chrissakes!

In truth, The Chronicle's story [is] small stuff compared to other Internet sins. The child molestation people have now figured out a way to chat about their crimes without being charged with obscenity. And the Supreme Court actually helped these people by ruling that virtual child porn, computerized images of kids being raped, are legal, an extension of free speech.

That's right Bill, censor the internet for "The Children". "The child molestation people", you make it sound like its a hyper-organized lobbyist group. I guess next week you'll be telling us that comedians should be charged with obscenity for making jokes about smoking pot and getting the munchies. Where is that bastard cheech anyway!?!

Virtual child porn? Just what kind of websites have you been visiting, mr. O'Reilly? Maybe Bill saw someone playing the Sims online and got confused about what was going on in the hot tub. Why don't you worry about the real-life children who are getting raped before you save the computer generated images from these atrocities.

So all over the country, we have people posting the most vile stuff imaginable, hiding behind high tech capabilities. Sometimes the violators are punished, but most are not. We have now have teenagers ruining the reputations of their peers in schools on the Internet. Ideologues accusing public officials of the worst things imaginable. And creeps gossiping about celebrities in the crudest of ways.

Ph34r my high-tech capabilities! I wield the mighty sword of blogspot! It's like the national enquirer, only nobody reads it and I don't get paid. Mr. O'Reilly, You have de-railed.

My favorite has to be the "Ideologues accusing public officials of the worst things imaginable". Are you describing the Anti-war protests from last month? Or perhaps the regularly scheduled news programs on the same channel that your show appears? Hypocrite is such a strong word, I better make a phone call and run it by you first.

The Internet has become a sewer of slander and libel, an unpatrolled polluted waterway, where just about anything goes. For example, the guy who raped and murdered a 10-year old in Massachusetts says he got the idea from the NAMBLA Web site that he accessed from the Boston public library. The ACLU's defending NAMBLA in that civil lawsuit.

Slander AND libel, eh? You got one of them new fangled talkie blogs? It's either slander, or its libel. It can't be both. You would think someone like Bill O'Reilly would know this, considering how often he commits both of these crimes, but you would be wrong.

The guy who raped a kid got the idea from the NAMBLA website. I got the idea to jump off a fucking cliff from listening to you talk. Better call the ACLU, because my family will be filing charges immediately. Would that constitute slander or libel, Bill?

Talking Points noted with interest the hue and cry that went up from some quarters about the FCC changing the rules and allowing big corporations to own even more media properties. But big corporations are big targets. If they misbehave, they can be sued for big bucks. These small time hit and run operators on the net, however, can traffic in perversity and falsehoods all day long with impunity. It's almost impossible to rein them in.

Traffic perversity and falsehoods with impunity? Damn, but that's alot of buzz words for just one sentence. Bill, when you traffic something, it means that you are getting paid for it. Like you are trafficking stupidity on your television show. I am giving away stupidity on my web log. I'd explain the difference to you further, but since you can't handle the whole slander vs. libel thing, I would be wasting my breath.

So which is the bigger threat to America? The big companies or the criminals at the computer? Interesting question.

What the fuck just happened here! You took a coherent, if idiotic point, and somehow made it a comparison between the evils of Wal-Mart vs. Richard Pryor in Superman III. No wonder your a professional; not every moron on the street can jump incoherently from one topic to another.

Seriously, Mr. O'Reilly, you should really read this stuff before you go on the air. I hope you fired your brother-in-law's nephew for writing this story for you, as it is truly a piece of shit. But if you don't like what I have to say about it, you can always tell me what you think in my comments section. Now if you'll just go ahead and give out your phone number to the public, there's plenty of us who would like to call you and discuss some thoughts on your recent development of Turret's syndrome. But be careful, the internet travels over phone lines, and it might make you rape small children and bad mouth celebrities! Mix up the cod liver oil and witchbane, and spread it on the phone. That should keep those evil internet spirits at bay.

Old men who are afraid of technology are funny, in a sad kind of way. My great great grandpa said that radio was the devil's work. My great grandpa said that television gives you polio. And ole man Reilly here sez that new fangled internet turns you into one of them queer, child loving folk. Maybe its time to retire, Bill.

2003-06-17T12:52:00.001-04:00

The Gloves Are Off!

Okay, now its go time. Nobody calls me a Poopyhead and gets away with it!

Virginia: Still getting over the civil war.
Virginia: Because nobody's ever gotten laid in a shithole like this!
Virginia: West Virginia's awkward older brother.
Virginia: No no, thats Georgia you're thinking of.
Virginia: We don't really like Ham, but it keeps the jews out. (I'm going to hell for this one)

New Jersey: Not sorry about Bon Jovi.
New Jersey: The reason New York smells like Urine
New Jersey: All your football teams are belong to us.
New Jersey: A jug-handle at every corner; a toll booth at every jug-handle.
New Jersey: Where acidwash never goes out of style.

And just because im a playerhater:

Connecticut: Largest wasp nest in history.
Connecticut: The C is silent...no, the other c you idiot.
Connecticut: It's the Connecticut Sound, damnit!
Connecticut: Proudly segregating Native Americans.
Connecticut: At least we still have College sports...

2003-06-17T10:44:00.000-04:00

I Got Yer Jersey Jokes Right Here, Asshole!

Bill at Bloviating Inanities is still having a contest. But now he's takin shots at my commune, err, state, and we can't have that! So hey Bill!

Why are New Yorkers all depressed?

Because the light at the end of the tunnel is Jersey.

Now get back in your swamp, you no left turn making motherfucker.

p.s. New Jersey smells.

2003-06-16T17:31:00.000-04:00

Wow, He Are Smart

I just popped in at a blog i found about 2 weeks ago in the new blog showcase at the truth laid bear. I didn't go back there cuz I couldn't remember the name of it, but I found it again and I been reading it a while.

All I can say is damn, this dude is smart. I don't always agree with him, but he is a sharp character.

So go read Tiger's Raggin' and Rantin', and see how schtoopit the rest of us are in comparison.

2003-06-16T16:32:00.000-04:00

Chicks Dig Scars!

Its a longtime theory that I can finally prove as fact.

Number of females to randomly approach me for conversation during the first 22.5 years of my life: 3

Number of females to randomly approach me for conversation during the 4 days I've had a cast on my nose: 16

One of said females came up to me at the bar in Boulder Creek, which one of those annoying steakhouse chains that we go to all the time because they have 2 for 1 beer specials for happy hour. You cant smoke in there because they are a bunch of fascist pigs, but the beer is cheap, the food is good, and they get the YES network. Ignore the muzak versions of shitty country songs in the background, and you have yourself a good time. Muzak versions of country songs are a wonderful thing, because they answer the question of the friends generation "Can this song GET any worse!?!" Why yes, I do beleive it can. Now shut the fuck up and put on The Family Guy; friends is for your girlfriend to watch with her cat.

So I'm there at the bar with a few of my friends, one of whom is my buddy Kevin, who recently had surgery on his foot. So im up there wearing my nose-piece, and he's hobbling around on crutches, we must have looked like the President and CEO of Losers of America sitting at the bar there. So this trampy looking chick is sitting a few stools down, slutting up the place, and she looks over to me and gives me the sad mommy look. "Ooh, what happened to your face?"

Now usually when this happens im rather polite, because I do appreciate the heartfelt sympathy of people. But this nasty thing was just using it as an excuse to talk to the 5 guys at the bar because she wanted the cock(And no, this is not a post that is derogatory to women, because all the women know exactly what girl im talking about here). It turns out she didn't want mine, either, but my friend Dan's, who was next to me, but that's neither here nor there.

So the mark I mean lady asks me what happened to my face, and then started talking to my friend Dan. After a few minutes of conversation, she realized that I had completely ignored her and repeated the question. Having heard her talking to Dan, I realized what exactly I was dealing with, and decided to have a little fun with her.

"What happened to your face?"

"Oh, nothing much. You should see the other guy."
Cue idiot friend 3 stools down, "Yeah, he's not hurt at all!"

"Oh, so you got into a fight then?"

"Yeah, you could say that."

"So you messed the other guy up pretty good?"

"Yeah, well sort of. That guy over there is the other guy." I point to Kevin, with the cast on his foot.

"Oh, you got into a fight with him?"

"Yeah, we beat the shit out of each other pretty good. And then when I was on the ground, he wound up and booted me right in the face. Kicked me so hard it shattered my nose, but that son of a bitch broke his foot, too."

Then I flipped off Kevin for effect. Kevin's a quick one, so he looks over at me and goes,

"What, you want some more of this, bitch!?!"

And he started poking me with one of his crutches.

This poor girl looked like she shit her pants. Her face got all red, she didn't know what to do.

"Calm down boys! You guys are friends again, right!?!"

"Yeah, yeah. Water under the hatchet or some shit like that. Right gimpy?"

Kevin raised his beer glass, and turned away to stifle the laughter.

"So what were you guys fighting about?"

"I don't want to talk about it."

"Oh comeon, its good to talk about these things."

"Well, Kevin there thinks that there are only 113 original episodes of Star Trek, and I tried to set the bastard straight and explain to him that there are 114 original star trek episodes, because the pilot is actually a two episode mini-series. But that dumb son of a bitch can't get it through his thick skull!"

"Hey, thats from a south park episode! Comeon, what really happened?"

"What the hell is South Park!?!"

"You guys are weird."

And then she went away, thank fucking god. I told Dan he should buy me a beer for preventing him from getting herpes, but he disagreed. I don't know why, but for some reason its fun to lie to complete strangers. I guess its bad karma like that which caused me to break my face in the first place, but I say fuck karma. That's right karma, your a pussy! Now fetch me a beer!

2003-06-16T16:08:00.000-04:00

Fair Warning

After reading what happened to Glenn, (hey, a black guy! Ooh, fun!), I think its high time I gave a little heads up.

To any of my co-workers:

If you decide to rat me out about what im doing after i finish my daily work in an attempt to gain favor with the boss, your infidel belly shall burn in the immortal pits of hell for all of eternity. Your entrails shall line the parking garage of doom. I will twist off your head and spike it onto the horns of a nightmare you can't even imagine. In short, if you decide to do this, You are entering a world of pain, smokey. A world of pain.

That is all.

2003-06-16T14:24:00.000-04:00

Random Thoughts

Here's some random thoughts I had while I wasn't blogging.

Clemens got his 300th win and his 4000th strikeout this weekend. The Yanks are back.

I cant friggin wait till saturday. Saturday is my 23rd birthday. Saturday the mutts play the yankees. My friends are going to the game, and didn't invite me, and its my birthday. They are all cocksuckers. They are also all met fans, so im not surprised i wasn't invited.

Saturday John gets a 2004 subaru impreza. Saturday John is selling a 1990 Nissan 240 sx with 237,000 miles on it. 500 bux, who wants it!?! Not you? Good. Go fuck yourself.

If you are illiterate, then you can't read this.

The U.S. is waging economic war on France, according to the french. Economic war is when two countries sell similar goods competitively with one another. Therefore, Frank J. is waging economic war with most 3rd world nations, by invading the cheaply made t-shirt market. For shame!

My sister has a college degree and is 2 years deep into vetrinary school(veternary school? animal doctor, for chrissakes) She currently gets paid 7 bux an hour to cut rope with a blowtorch, and loves every second of it. Go figure.

I ordered a bologne sandwich in a deli on saturday. Turns out it was a jewish deli. Woops.

If i have to drive on long island for much longer, I am going to commit a homocide driven by road rage. You would think that someone in a new lexus would try to avoid a collision with a 13 year old nissan, but you would be wrong. It is for the good of humanity that I do not own a paintball gun.

Israel has not yet murdered all the Palestinians. Most people think its because they are too noble a people to do something as savage as killing their sworn enemies. I think they are just a bunch of slackers.

My grandfather has never cursed in front of me in my life. On fathers day, i told him i was getting a subaru, and he said "Your gonna buy another car from those god damn slopes?" He fought in wwII in the pacific. He can call them whatever the hell he wants.

I have the same name as a drink. A John Collins is the same as a Tom Collins, but made with whiskey instead of gin. The reason you have never heard of it is because it tastes like shit.

2003-06-16T14:11:00.000-04:00

Ohhh, so THATS what they were talking about...

I just wrote a longass post that disappeared when I hit the publish button. I guess thats what everyone meant when they said "Be careful writing long posts on blogspot because sometimes they disappear."

I wish you would've been more clear about that!

2003-06-16T10:43:00.000-04:00

Gimme Some Lip!

A huge thanks again to Bill from Bloviating Inanities, who has been a huge help getting me set up here. Thanks to Bill, there will now be comments, and you can all tell me how stupid I am.

3nj0y.

2003-06-15T03:39:00.000-04:00

Contest

Bill over at Bloviating Inanities is having a funnyass contest for state mottos. If you live in a state, you should go enter. If you live in france, you should move or commit suicide. That is all.

2003-06-15T03:29:00.000-04:00

A Great Day

Today was a great day. I played 18 holes of golf, and I shot a 110. a 110 is absolutely atrocious as far as golfing goes, but its a good score for me. Maybe if I throw enough links to Acidman, he'll give me a few pointers. He says he was quite the golfer in his day.

Anyway, back to my awesome day. Played golf, and went to a great bar called The Fulton Street Pub. This is one of the last real bars around my area; everything inside of it is made of wood, there's a kitchen, a pool table, two dart boards, and 100 tvs everywhere. I went inside, sat down, got a beer, smoked a cigarette, and played quick draw. That's right, I smoked a cigarette indoors in New York state. Nassau county repealed the ban on smoking about a week ago; of course, in a month the state wide smoking ban takes effect, so it was somewhat pointless. I think it will be used as an arguing point that when the ban was revoked, business spiked and then dropped like a rock when it was reinstated, which will inevitably happen. This is very good news. So since they let me smoke, I played a few rounds of quick draw, to throw the government a little tip for making the right decision for once in their lives.

2003-06-13T03:07:00.000-04:00

"Don't worry, this will just take a second..."

I was really hoping that I would never write this post. I really wanted to believe that after all the bullshit, getting my nose fixed today would go smoothly and without hassle, and I would have no conclusion to the story. But that would've sucked for you bloodthirsty mongrels, and made me happy, so obviously it cannot happen. Anyway, here is part 3:

So at the ungodly hour of 7:30 this morning I wander into the doctor's office to get my nose set. I've been hearing horror stories about what he is gonna do to me all week; one lady said they are gonna pack my nose with cotton and hit it with a ball-peen hammer, another guy said they are gonna just grab my nose and snap it back into place. Unfortunately, the people I talk to on a daily basis are completely retarded, as you may have noticed by now. So I go in there, I get into my little room and Im lying on this bed-bench type thing that moves; like the ones on the informercial. So the doctor comes in and talks to me a little bit, and then we start to play every doctor's most favoritist game in the whole wide world: "Does this hurt?"

I am not a medical doctor. But in my years of playing "Does this hurt?", I have found that on a pretty consistent basis, the doctor will poke at you a bit and say, "Does this hurt?"(Hence the name) and you reply yes or no. It's fairly simple and easy to understand. But today, "Does this hurt?" was a 1 player game. The doctor would push on a spot on my nose, and say(you guessed it) "Does this hurt?" and I would say, "Yeah, that fucking hurts!". Now, whenever I have played this game in the past, when you answer "yes", it implies that the doctor should stop doing whatever the hell it is that he is doing. But ohhh nooo, not today! Today "Yes" means "Push harder, you sadistic son of a bitch!"

This went on for about 5 minutes. He would poke the bridge of my nose in a spot, and I would say "Oww." He would then take his thumb, and push on the afformentioned spot as hard as he could, as I lay there in agony. I finally had to ask him, "Do you hear me telling you that it hurts?" To which he replied, "Yes, but it's supposed to hurt." Well why the hell are you asking me then!?!

So after a few hearty rounds of poke-n-squirm, good ole doc decides maybe I can have some novicaine now. How charitible of you. So he shoots me full of sweet, face numbing liquid and we wait for it to set in. About 5 minutes after, he comes back, and we are ready to begin. He pulls out this little tool that looks like a tiny pitching wedge, and shoves that shit up my nose. "Don't worry, this will just take a second" he says, and we all know what that means. He shoulda just told me it was going to hurt him alot more than it would hurt me, for all the comfort I got out of such a statement. And it's about this time that I realize, although my cheeks and upper lip are all numb, my nose is still surprisingly sensitive. This does not bode well at all. I wanted to tell him, but I didn't get a chance before he jammed that shit into my eye socket.

This was the single most intense pain I have ever felt in my life. The doctor is using this little wedge thing to push my nosebone back out of the indent, and he is using my upper lip as a point of leverage. So I grab the edge of the bed to squeeze instead of crying like a little girl, and its a good thing I did. Apparently, I am a very fast healer. The doc was having alot of trouble moving my nose bone, and at one point he lifted my entire body off of the bed while pulling up on his little tool. I weigh about 200 lbs, and this man has me suspended in air by a 4 inch metal rod, which is inserted in my right nostril. Good times, good times.

At least now, no one can tell me I don't know what its like to be a vietnamese prostitute. So I got that going for me. Which is good.

Time for part two, the left side of my crooked ass nose. The good news is, this part doesn't involve a metal shard entering one of my orifices. The bad news is, we do this one the old fashioned way. The doctor puts his two thumbs on the left side of my nosebone, and pushes, really really hard. Honestly, I'm glad this part was second, because compared to part one this was like a vacation. So he does what he has to do, and then we put the cast on. Don't get it wet, don't poke at it, don't use it to re-broadcast major league baseball, blah blah blah. So now we're all done; I got this weird white peice of plastic cemented to my face. The doctor says I should wait 5 or 10 minutes before driving; probably because I was stumbling from wall to wall as I walked down the hallway. So I serve my timeout, and set up my appointment to get the cast removed(only 1 week, woohoo). The receptionist asks me where I'm going, and I tell her im going down stairs to smoke a cigarette while I wait for my ride. And then she casually said something that I will never forget for the rest of my life:

"Oh, well be careful. If the spark gets too close to the cast, it will burst into flames."

They fucking boobytrapped my face. I have a cast that crumbles if it gets wet, and explodes into flames on first contact with a spark. I shoulda stayed at 2nd base, where it was safe. I can't wait till the inevitable part 4 of this story, where I light my head on fire, then have to go back to plastic surgeon and explain to him that I should not be allowed within 50 feet of things that burn, melt, or explode, much less have them glued to my grill. I wonder what sadistic devices of torture he will use to treat that injury? The only way to find out is to keep reading my blog! (Now I have you, muhuhuhahaha)

2003-06-11T13:57:00.000-04:00

Hello, I am an Idiot

Hello, I am an idiot. I beleive that by strapping c4 to my chest and detonating it on a bus, that somehow this act will cause the nation of Israel to pack up and move someplace else. I am willing to kill myself because jews live next door to me. I think that since I lost a war 30 years ago, and a country took some land and then gave it back after, that I have the right to take the rest of their land, even though they won that war.

I am willing to sacrifice my own life for a terrorist organization. I think that attacking innocent people on the bus is equal retaliation for a targetted missile strike on a known leader of a violent resistance movement. Rather than attack the military, who would defeat me and my pathetic countrymen, I prefer to pray on civilians, children, and the elderly, because it is much less likely that they will fight back.

I don't have the mental capacity to understand that if enough idiots like me continue to pop themselves like walking M-80's, the much stronger and better trained Israeli military will eventually grow angry and wipe us off the planet like the pestilence we are. Luckily, the morons over in Europe have convinced the United States that somehow we deserve to have a state, even though the only thing we are good for is mobile explosive devices. It looks like no matter how many times people like me do this, the U.S. will continue to restrain Israel from protecting themselves effectively, so we get a free pass to commit terrorist acts as often as we'd like without retribution! One day Israel will realize all this and tell the United States to fuck off, but I'll never see that day because I'm dead!

2003-06-11T11:38:00.000-04:00

Why A Tax Cut for People Who Don't Pay Taxes Isn't That Bad

I've been reading alot lately about the new tax cut, and how it is going to give a credit to people who make less than 25,000 a year and have children. I've also seen alot of people that I agree with on a great number of things post about it, and bitch incessantly about how it's really welfare, and how unfair it is that the government should take money out of their pocket and give it to someone who didn't earn it. I am now going to explain to you why, although a good sentiment, you are looking at this pseudo-welfare the wrong way.

Take first the fact that we have welfare. Welfare is where people who don't work get a check from the government each week for simply being alive. That money comes from your paycheck, and you don't have a choice in the matter. Welfare is going to continue indefinately in this country; it may be reformed, re-reformed, homoginized, pasteurized, but its still gonna be a check every week for breathing air, signed Uncle Sam, courtesy of the taxpayer. I also remember a brilliant idea from before I was completely sentient(read: teenager), about something called "workfare". This was a concept that -gasp- meant that people on welfare should get help and rewards for working for a living, as opposed to just collecting their welfare each week. It seemed brilliant to me, although I can't recall the details of it. But the idea is correct; welfare is for people who are down on their luck, and it is supposed to be used as a means to get back on your feet, not as an eternal source of your household income. As always, some people abused the system, others tried to make it better and fucked it up in the process, and we have our current welfare system as it stands today.

Bring in this tax cut. The issue at hand of course, is that people who make less than 25,000 dollars a year get earned income tax credit because they are really that poor, and so they don't pay any taxes. As bad as it seems that some people don't pay taxes while others do, the reality of the situation is that 25,000 dollars a year is chump-change, even before taxes. You can hardly live on 25,000 a year, and you can't live on 22,000 a year, which is how much you would be left with if taxes were paid. I make 27,000 a year and I have full medical coverage, and it's going to take me about a year of saving and hard work just to be able to move out of my parent's house into a shitty studio apartment in a terrible neighborhood. And these people go to work each and every day, for 8 hours a day or more, and work very hard doing menial, repetitive tasks for their 25,000 dollars a year or less. If you tell me that scraping the shit out of a clogged sewer for 8 hours a day is not harder and alot worse than sitting at a desk drinking coffee and pushing papers, then your a fucking idiot and I'd like you to stop visiting my site.

So now we have established who our target for this tax cut is. People with full time jobs and children, who make dick for pay and do shitty shitty jobs that the rest of us wouldn't touch for twice as much money as these people make. They get an extra 600 bux to take a night course at college, buy their kid a bike, get some new clothes for that job interview, or in worst case scenarios, buy diapers for little junior there. They aren't taking this money and going to Cancun for two weeks, laughing all the way to the bank.

Yes, call it what it is, its a hand-out, its not a tax cut. But these are the kinds of people who welfare should be working for! These are people who work; they don't live off the government teet, they get off their asses every day and go to work just like the rest of us; they just aren't as well trained or educated or maybe even as intelligent as Joe 12 pack, so they got the shit end of the employee food chain. These people are the ones who actually deserve a handout from the rest of us. These are the guys that are trying their hardest, and doing the one thing everyone told them would lead to success: Hard Work. And after all their time and effort, they are still failing. Bitch all you want about welfare, because welfare is a bad thing these days. It doesn't get people to get a job, it teaches them that they don't need to get a job to have money. It takes your money that you work hard for, and gives it to someone who sits on his fat ass all day. This is a bad thing. But as we established, welfare isn't going anywhere. So I give you this choice; if some of the money the government takes out of your pocket has to go to someone worse off then you,(and it does; if you think welfare is ever going to end as a government program then you really need to visit reality) who would you rather see it go to? Someone who does not work at all, but instead sits on their ass watching Jerry Springer and popping out kids to get a bigger free check each week? Or someone who goes to work every day, doing a shitty full time job for minimal pay, and has a little kid at home, who maybe wasn't planned or wasn't a wise decision, but who the parent took responsibility for and raised instead of giving him to an orphanage? Who deserves a handout more? If your answer isn't the latter, then your probably one of the former.

And that, really, is the only way you can look at this tax cut. Sure you can scream your head off about it being welfare; and guess what, its welfare. But welfare isn't going away any time soon. At least its welfare to people who are trying to do better, instead of people who already gave up, and are content to live off of your hard work. The people who will be getting this tax cut are the kind of people who will be proud on the day that they no longer qualify for this tax cut, because all their work will have paid off. If you want to bitch about the government giving your hard earned money, then you should take a look at regular welfare.

Actually if you were born before 1972, you can go fuck yourself, because i'll be paying social security for the next 50 years thats going into your pocket, and i'll have to live to be 137 to see all the money I put in come back to me; while you will collect more than 100% of what you put in by the time your 78 years old! But that's another rant, for another time. To summarize:

1. Welfare - Not going anywhere.
2. Welfare for people who don't do shit - bad.
3. Welfare for people who work hard but don't make any money - better than welfare for people who don't do shit.

Get it?

2003-06-10T00:13:00.000-04:00

Ridiculousness Is Everywhere - Be Wary

It's become painfully clear to me that everyone on the planet, including myself, is an idiot. And there's so many examples, I wouldn't know where to start. Well, actually I do:

Young Allhad Abdul Mohammed, fed up with his life in the ghettos of Pakistan, dedicates his life to a terrorist organization. He studies the Koran and trains for 20 or 30 years, learning from the masters of their craft. One day he gets the call he has been waiting for, and off he goes, via forged immigration papers, to live in America. Here he works at a convenience store, patiently waiting his instructions. Years go by, and then one day a masked man enters his corner store and hands him a note sealed in goat's blood. Having received his instructions, he prepares to make the ultimate sacrifice. Loading his white work van with gasoline and homemade explosives, he says his final goodbyes to the mortal world, and he carries out his suicide mission. For the greater glory of Allah, Allhad Abdul Mohammed screams in murderous rage as his van careens into the LIPA power building, and the massive explosion takes his life in a final blazing glory. He has scored a great victory for the nation of Islam this day; because of his lifelong dedication and selfless sacrifice, a few blocks of a shitty long island suburb lost power for an hour or so.

Friday night in my town, a power generator in the electric company's building exploded, briefly knocking out power on my block, and knocking out power in the town for a great deal longer than that. The problem is that my town has about 13 traffic lights across an 8th of a mile, and there's a set of train tracks thrown in the middle there. Absolute fucking chaos, but that's another story. So the power is out, and like every nosey busybody, me and the neighbors all came out on our front lawns, because its dark and scary inside. So my one neighbor found out about the generator, and told the rest of us, to which no less than 3 people replied "Maybe its a terrorist attack!" I had to leave, because I couldn't handle yelling at a bunch of 50 year old, successful, middle class people acting like complete morons. What the fuck is wrong with you people!?! Terrorism!?! Actually I'm wrong, my one next door neighbor was not outside, and is not a fucking idiot either. He's from Jordan, and he ain't stupid; when the old terrorist word comes along, he pulls his BMW into his garage, goes into his house and turns out the porch light. There's been an American flag hanging next to his door since 9/12/01. A-rab or not, he's probably my favorite neighbor, cuz he's the only one without his head jammed straight up his ass.

But that's just the tip of the iceberg. Today at work, I got called down to the accouting department. Trouble with my paycheck? Bank error in your favor? Oh no, this is not good news. I am in the accounting department, so that I can show the 3 degree holding accountants who work there how to use microsoft fucking excel. That's right, i'm standing there with my bullshit english degree, giving a de facto lesson in basic spreadsheet use to 3 certified fucking accountants, all of whom, i'm sure, make at least twice as much as I do. And they need ME to show THEM how to use a computer to do accounting! Why do these people still work here; hell why do these people work anywhere!?! No wonder we get paid every two weeks; it must be hard to write out all those payroll checks with a goddamn crayon.

So after that mind-numbing experience, I decided I earned myself a cigarette break. Since smokers are contagious lepers according to the New York State Government, that meant a trip down the stairs and outside. I don't mind leaving, its just the point that I have to. So anyway, the bathroom on the first floor has one of those clever doorknobs with the combination lock under it. Nevermind that its the only bathroom in the entire building that has this lock; there must be something awesome in there if they need to protect it so bad. I walk by this door every day, and each day I wonder the same thing; "What could the combination be?" But today was such a specially idiotic day, that I had to test a theory of mine. So I walk over to this big, scary door, and sure enough, I held the answer the whole time.

The god damn combination is 1 2 3.

(Hey, that's the same combination I use on my luggage!)

What the hell is the point if you're just going to make the combination 123?!?! Who chose this, and why isn't his head impaled on a stick next to the front door? Oh that's right; it was one of the guys from accounting.

This reminded me of my old job. It had a similar door, with a similar password, which protected all the copyrighted design drawings. I'm not going to post any info about it on here just in case, but let's just say it wouldn't take an accountant to figure out how to open it. But that's not the worst part; the door was made of hollow fucking plywood, it weighed about half a pound. Even if you were too retarded to figure out the code, when you banged your head on the door in frustration, the whole friggin wall would probably fall down. And this door was protecting the copyrighted design drawings, not a urinal with one of the good mints in it. Homeland security alert levels are making more sense every day.

2003-06-09T23:39:00.000-04:00

Coming Soon
Soon as I get off my lazy ass and do it that is.

Anyway coming soon, I'll have a blogroll, and here's my first link, to a real funny motherfucker who subsequently also showed me how to make all the stuff that's coming soon:) Anyway he's funny and both of you guys that are reading this and aren't him should go immediately to Bloviating
Inanities

So yeah, coming soon I'll have links and a blogroll. Im still working on getting comments, but im also still stupid, so for now just e-mail them to mrcollins21@yahoo.com. And if you sign me up for pr0n0 spam i will find out and do nasty things to your pets. That means YOU buddy. And when I say pets, I mean friends and loved ones.

2003-06-06T10:55:00.000-04:00

Ironnica

So Metallica dropped its new album yesterday, and I went out and acquired myself a copy. Hey Metallica, Linkin Park called, they want their turntables back. Sampling!?! There's, there's sampling on a Metallica album!?! I never thought I'd see the day.
Aside from that, there's the song that named the album, St. Anger. James Hetfield, make a note: You can't sing. You never could. In fact, your singing voice, frankly, sucks. That's why on your first 5 albums, all you did was yell and bark, which you do quite well. Now all of a sudden your an old man, having a mid-life crisis, and I guess you must've realized that your a fraud as a singer and now you're trying to proove yourself? Well, don't. Your lyrics are still good, now try yelling them angrily, instead of singing them like some pussy. You aren't that guy from R.E.M., stop being so fucking whiny.
The lyrics are still good, although still not very clever. Like on St. Anger, when he says "Fuck it all, fucking no regrets, hit the lights on these dark sets", I really got into it. In fact, I got into it almost as much as the FIRST TIME you used those lyrics, on Master of Puppets. Remember a little song you wrote called "Damage Inc."? But what should I expect, really, from a band that put out a song called Unforgiven II. Hey asshole, the guy died at the end of the first song, you cant have a fucking sequel! But I digress.

Isn't it ironic, that the band that made the heavy metal genre popular, added the bassist from the band that invented the genre in the first place, and now they released an album which is a total ripoff of bands who were total Metallica/Sabbath ripoffs when they came out? This album sounds like Fred Durst took a shit on Re-Load. Seriously, there's something fucked up in the metal food chain when you hear a Metallica song and say, "this sounds like a Limp Bizkit song". I don't know how you reversed the polarity of the music industry, but I don't like it, so cut that shit out. Pronto.

Okay, okay, so it's really not that bad. It's a decent album, and if another band had released it, it would probably be a good album. But I know i'm not alone when I say that I expect something more from Metallica. You're living legends, and your album sounds like you recorded it in your basement. Comeon now boys, you can do better than that. We, the fans, expect more from you, although after Load and Re-Load you guys have made it perfectly clear that we shouldn't. I guess you guys really did peak at the Master of Puppets/Justice for All time, and this is just the slow, excrutiating decline, Aerosmith style. It's sad when your heroes aren't what they used to be. Listening to this album is like watching Patrick Ewing sit the bench for the Supersonics; you know what they used to be, and then you see what they are now, and it makes you sad. You coulda gone out on top boys; never put out another album, toured and toured and played the same old songs, and everyone would've been happy. But I guess not. I blame Lars, because he is a greedy bastard.

I'm still going to Summer Sanitarium, and i'm still totally fucking pumped for it. I'm still a huge Metallica fan. And deep down, I really did know that this album was going to disappoint me, just like the last two peices of shit did. Oh well, its better than both load and re-load, just worse than your first 5 albums. But at least we can't call you guys liars. Back on Kill'em All when you said "We'll never stop, we'll never quit, cuz we're Metallica", you obviously meant it. It's just that sometimes, we wish you didn't.

2003-06-05T23:10:00.000-04:00

Thank You Sir, May I Have Another?

Since so many of you people find joy in my suffering(bastards one and all), I think I should share with you the continuation of life shitting on me. So here goes:

Tuesday I went to see the ENT(ear, nose, throat) doctor to see if i did any damage to my sinuses, after my golden glove performance last thursday. They told me all he had to do was take a look and make sure my sinus cavity wasn't damaged. What they neglected to mention on the phone of course, is that to look at my sinus cavity requires them to shove a fiber optic cable up there and wiggle it around. So I'm sitting in this chair, and the doctor has this weird tube run up my nose, about as thick as a paper clip, and he's rifling around in there, looking for bone chips, blood clots, and small stray rodents. This is a sensation I have never felt before; its not pain exactly, although it is excrutiatingly painful. Put it this way; when someone told you what an ear whig does if it gets into your ear, and you imagined what that would feel like as it tunneled toward your brain, that idea you had is what this feels like in real life. So im in this chair, wishing I had never seen the movie "Total Recall", and let me just tell you, I was ready to tell this guy where Bin Laden was hiding if he would just pull the thing out of my nose. Seriously, get this guy down to Gitmo and we'll have Al Queda in no time. So he's digging around in there and the nurse knocks on the door and calls the doctor, so he looks at me and goes "excuse me a minute". WHAT!?! So this guy leaves me sitting in my little chair, with a foot and a half of fiber optic cable up my nose; when I reallized that this is what it would look like to use cocaine intravenusly. For some reason I found that amusing, and I started to laugh to myself. BAD IDEA. I dont know what I did, but while I was laughing I guess I shook the cord loose and it came out that little hole in the back of my throat that my nose is connected to, only i thought it was a loogie. So I cleared my throat and low and behold, the other end of the tube was in my mouth. I pulled it out a little bit, and I saw the end coming out of my mouth. That shit freaked me out in a way I couldn't describe, and I said "Holy shit!" really, really loud (it probably sounded more like "hnnly shhhht"). The doctor came running in all scared, and he saw me sitting there like a retarded chimpanzee playing with an electrician's snake. So he grabs the cord, and whips it out of my nose at a tremendous speed. Now THAT shit hurt. The doctor then gave me that weird, crooked head, confused dog look, and the rest of the time I was there, he talked to me like I was a 4 year old child. I wonder why that was. Anyway I got a clean bill of health, so I never have to see that guy again. Which is good, because he was probably half a step from perscribing me a helmet.

So then today I went back to the plastic surgeon, who took my stitches out. Sorry folks, but this actually went according to procedure. I think he talked to the ENT though, because I was not once left unattended in his office, which is too bad, because he had a fun looking box of used syringes...Anyway, my nose is now shaped like a bannana, so next thursday I get to have it reset, which sounds like loads of fun. The doctor was kind enough to describe the process to me in detail: He will jam cotton into my nose until as full of shit as a Clinton(zing!), shoot me full of sweet, sweet novicaine, and then pop my nosebone back into its original position. What kind of neat, high tech gadget will he be using to do this, you ask? His friggin hand! And he's gonna get paid probably more than a thousand dollars to do it! What fuckin scam. Maybe I'll set up a street nose clinic; you break your nose, and for 50 bux ill grab that shit and yank it back into place. Im not really looking forward to it, in case you didn't notice. And that of course, lead me to write this form letter, and distribute it accordingly:

Dear little league baseball coach,

I don't know if you remember me, but I was once a player on your little league team. I was a good student, and when you told me to get down on ground balls, and stay in front of them, I did my best to listen and follow your advice, and I have kept it with me all these years. For all your hard work and dedication, there's something I want to tell you, and I mean it from the bottom of my heart:

Thanks for nothing, you son of a bitch. I'll get you for this, if its the last thing I do.

Sincerely,

John "The Face" Collins

2003-06-05T10:59:00.000-04:00

Call it a Hunch

Independence day is coming up on us. Call it a hunch, as this is based on no factual information whatsoever, but something tells me that our good friend the government is going to use the conveniently vague Patriot Act to go gestapo on illegal fireworks this year. Fireworks, after all, are just explosives. So that guy you work with who is driving down to North Carolina or wherever to pick up some stuff for the office? He could be charged with terrorism when he drives over a bridge in New York with a trunkful of whistlers. Absurd? Of course! But think about it this way; do you really put it passed them?
When I was a little kid, there were fireworks all over the neighborhoods on the fourth of July. All day, and all night, mortars going off, roman candles in the neighbor's yard, one year my dad even got one of those pinwheels and set it off; the whole block came down to watch it with the oos and ahhs.
Last year, me and a few friends were shooting off bottle rockets in an open field behind an elementary school, at night, and the school had been closed for a month. 3 separate people called the police on us. On the fourth of July. For lighting fireworks.

I need to get the hell out of New York.

2003-06-03T23:57:00.000-04:00

Contact Your Narrator

Hey folks, I know I don't have comments or links or anything, and frankly thats because I don't know the first thing about this blogger program, and I hardly know anything at all about HTML. But if you want to contact me, you can email me at
mrcollins21@yahoo.com I guess I should change it to mrcollins22 now, but it will be mrcollins23 in a couple of months anyway, and besides, Im extremely lazy. Im talking watch infomercials because I can't be bothered to look for the remote and your crazy if you think im getting up and walking to the TV kind of lazy. Im so lazy, i dont know if ill even finish this pos

2003-06-03T23:53:00.000-04:00

Sammy Sosa You Fucking Fraud

Holy not really that surprised batman! Sammy Sosa was ejected from his game today because he used a corked bat. Not many people understand what the big deal is, so let me summarize it for you real quick. Cork has some qualities that make it vastly superior to wood for making baseball bats. It is strong, but very light, which yields good batspeed. Cork also has that squishy quality, as anyone who has opened a wine bottle knows. This means that when you push on it, it will condense, and when pressure is relieved, it will expand again. So when you hit a baseball with a piece of cork, the cork condenses and expands rather quickly, giving the ball extra trajectory, making it easier to hit home runs.

Ok now that we have the physics down, lets look at Sammy Sosa. If you go to espn.com you can look up his lifetime stats, including his homeruns per year. Lets have a look:

from 1995 to 1997 he hit between 35 and 40 home runs a year. Thats some power hitting

Oh but whats this? 98 and 99 he hits over 60 home runs! 2000 he hits another 50! Then in 01 he hits 64, and last year he hit a pathetic 49 home runs. HMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM I wonder when this guy started corking his bat.

But Sammy sez it was an accident! He only uses that bat for exhibition purposes, to hit home runs for his fans. But Sammy, sammy sammy sammy, if you can hit 60 home runs a year for 3 years, surely you dont need to cork your bat to hit home runs in batting practice, when theres some 50 year old coach throwing you meat balls! But you do need it, cuz your a fucking fraud, and you've been corking your bat since 1998. Good riddance I say. All you sons of bitches who cried and screamed about Mark Macguire using creatine, and how it was unfair to Sammy, you can all eat shit and die slow. I hope they ban that piece of shit from baseball, he can go sit next to Pete Rose. If your kid looks up to Sammy Sosa, I hope your pissed off too. Bad enough all the real heroes left in baseball are getting torn down with allegations of steroid use and illegal performance enhancing drugs, now good old rags to riches Sammy Sosa, the hard working kid from a 3rd world country who made it to the big time, is a fraud and a god damn cheater.

The truly sad part about this is, you know he won't be kicked out of baseball. I bet he doesn't even get suspended for a game. Everyone's gonna believe this bullshit about it being an accident, and forget it ever happened by next week. Baseball is going down the shitter, i tell ya. When does football season start?

2003-06-03T13:57:00.000-04:00

Life tells me, 'Grab your ankles!'

Man, did I get shit on this weekend. Thursday my parents went away for 10 days. Sounds like the start of a great weekend. So thursday night, I'm at my softball game, just waiting for it to be over so we can all go bbq and get wasted in my backyard. About the 4th inning of the second game I hit a bomb to left field, home run. The weekend keeps getting better and better, and it ain't even friday yet! But wait, whats this? A hard hit ground ball to second? No problem, I sez to myself, so I bend down to get it...Hey, it looks like the ball might hit that rock-THUD! Bright stars buzzing around.

2 hours later, the doctor puts that 13th stitch into the bridge of my nose, and explains to me that I broke my nose in 3 different places. How you break 1 bone in 3 places is beyond me, but I guess that's why I can't afford a real website.

So here I am, 22 years old with the house to myself for 10 days, and a huge bag of frozen peas covering my face. Of course the painkillers they gave me(which don't work) don't mix very well with alcohol, so I get to hear all my friends get drunk while I suffer in the darkness of the green giant's bounty.

But what's this in the mail? It looks important. Oh, thats right, its the summons for that traffic infraction I committed over 2 friggin years ago, for next tuesday! Boy, it should be fun to explain to the judge that whatever I did wasn't my fault, even though I can't even remember what the hell the ticket was for, while staring at him through two huge swollen eyes. No sir, I didn't get into a fight, I just suck at softball. Suuuuuure.

Well my answering machine is blinking, maybe there's some good news on there. Let's see. First is the auto dealership, calling to tell me that the blue color on the 2004 subaru impreza RS is not the same blue that they have in the commercials, but rather a gay purplish thing that looks strangely similar to the color of my face after a few hours of swelling. Oh cruel fate, what more could you do to me? The next message MUST be good news, because bad luck comes in 3s, and we just got a hattrick on the car, right? Wrong! Next message is my dear, sweet sister, explaining to me that she made it safely upstate where she will spend the weekend. Innocent enough, it seems. But there's more! She casually forgot to bring the dog's medicine with her, but not because she forgot. Oh no, that would be much too simple. She accidentally took the wrong bottle, and the painkillers that don't mix with alcohol are in her luggage, while I am home to be conforted by antibiotics designed for a sheltie. Fucking Awesome.

2003-05-29T13:07:00.000-04:00

She has De-Railed

Okay, so there's some moron in Florida, who used to adopt children for sparring practice, who decided she wants to wear her moose-lamb ski-mask in her driver's license photo. Florida DMV sez 'STFU'. Because there are tons of people who get paid every day to sit around and wait for shit to happen(reporters), this becomes a big story when there's nothing else going on. How fucking stupid are you? Should you be allowed to drive, considering your severe mental handicap? These are all questions I want answered before this woman is even issued a license, regardless of the picture.

Driver's licenses are used for Identification. You can't identify someone wearing a goddamn turban or whatever you call that glorified scarf thing they wear. Take off your headdress and get a photo, or else we will just use the mug shot we have on record from when you beat the shit out of someone else's kid.

Actually, I have a better idea. Let the bitch wear the rag. Then every time there is a crime committed by someone wearing a mask, haul this moron down to the precinct and question her for 12 or 15 hours. She matches the profile according to her state issued driver's license.

Here's a good question for all you moose-lamb scholars. Why does she need to drive at all? Since muslim law requires that she wears the veil, doesn't that same muslim law require her to always travel with a male family member or her husband? So conceivably, her escort could always be the one driving, and she could happily wear her wave cap doo-rag hybrid in the passenger seat. But that won't happen. Why? Because she doesn't travel with an escort, because she doesn't follow muslim law, and she doesn't really give a shit about the veil either. She is just using this to get her 15 extra minutes of fame, because its better to be remembered as a Floridian moron wearing a goalie helmet than to be remembered as a trailer trash slut who beats the shit out of foster children. I no longer believe in evolution; people like this would've been weeded out eons ago if only the strong survived.

2003-05-28T21:23:00.000-04:00

Smokers are not Lepers

We need to clear this shit up right now. I'm sick and fuckin tired of being treated like a leper every time I leave my home. I can't smoke at the office, I can't smoke at the bar, I can't smoke at the hospital. Okay, so maybe the hospital thing makes sense, but you get the drift.

Second hand smoke doesn't kill people. "Oh but I have scientific evidence that proves-" Shut the fuck up. It doesn't kill people. Every death related to respiratory illness is immediately chocked up to smoking, as long as your 5th cousin had a cigarette one time at your house. A coal miner could work in for 50 years in a pit, and live in a house made of asbestos, and the day he died from lung cancer the shrilling idiots would come out screaming about how he died of smoking.

People have smoked tobacco for hundreds of years. Yes, if you smoke enough, for a long enough period time, you are going to get cancer and die. It's no secret. But your not going to get lung cancer because some guy was smoking a cigar 3 stools away at some hole in the wall you were getting sauced at. Imagine that, people drinking alcohol, a substance that can kill you in a single night if you drink enough of it, and they are complaining because there's a little cigarette smoke in the air. Sheryl Crow wrote a song about you, ya fuckin retard.

New York sucks now. Don't spend your vacation here. My dad saw a guy in Manhattan get a 75 dollar fine for having a for sale sign in his car. Parking tickets are 105 dollar fine. Bloomberg fucked up the budget and can't figure out how to fix it, so rather than cut back on his cronies, he decided to jack up the price of everything and close all the fire houses down. If anyone knows a nice place to live where you can smoke indoors and not have to sell your car to pay the fine for a parking ticket, let me know, i'll be your new neighbor.

2003-05-27T23:00:00.000-04:00

Hello strange internet people! This is my blog. It's the greatest blog ever, cuz i friggin said so! Here you will find my deepest personal insights on such topics as politics, religion, oral hygeine, and enslaving the french. Since nobody will probably ever read this, I can pretty much say whatever I want, so time for you to learn a little bit about your author.

I am a 22 year old idjit from the suburbs, if you didn't catch that first sentence up there on the top of the page. I graduated with a B.A. in english from a state university in NY last May, to discover 2 things:

1. 98.6% of what I was taught throughout my academic career is a steaming pile of horseshit. That's 10 lbs of horseshit, in a 5 lb bag. And who the hell decided that pound started with the letter "L"? Fire that guy, and whoever sits next to him.

2. A B.A. in english doesn't qualify you to hold any job other than teaching english to others.

Nobody told me that shit when I signed up, I swear! Anyway, upon leaving the sheltered world that is college and entering reality, I discovered my standard issue opinion, right down there next to my asshole. So I figured I would share it with everyone immediately(my opinion, you sick, sick freaks). So here you will find it.

Things you might ask me:

Politics: Conservative I guess, but by default. I have yet to find a political party which matches my views, but conservative comes close enough; I'd say libertarian, but those crazy bastards all have guns and who wants to be lumped in with them!?!(just kidding don't shoot meh!)

Religion: Agnostic/Atheist. It varies by day. When it gets down to it there could be a God, for all I know. It's just as likely that there isn't. The one thing I am sure of, though, is that if there is a God, he isn't like the God described in the Koran, the Bible, those scrolls they found in those caves that time, or any other book written by angry old men many moons ago.

If there is a God, he doesn't care much about you. He doesn't care if you pray, he doesn't need you to worship him once a week, and he's damn sure too busy taking care of things you'll never understand to give you a new job or cure your sister's irritable bowel syndrome, so just leave the guy alone for chrissakes.

Abortion: I'm for choice. If you bust my balls about it, I may one day explain why this is. But I think abortion is something you either do or don't do, and you don't sit around scratching your ass instead of making a decision. 3rd trimester abortions=bad. Morning after pill=less bad, but not good either. Other forms of birth control=better. Abstinence: Much like communism, it looks good on paper, but these are human beings we're talking about.

Drugs: Drugs piss me off. You can't smoke a little pot here and there, but if the doc thinks you need a few vicotins for that back ache, its cool to get stoned all of a sudden?!? What kinda hypocrisy is that? Stop busting balls and arrest real criminals, like people who do crack and heroine.

Guns: I am literate, so I realize that owning a gun is a right granted to every citizen by the constitution. I'm not gonna have the militia debate either, so just save your shit and accept it. Does that mean i think any asshole should be able to own a small, hand-held nuclear weapon for his own personal enjoyment? Of course not, you fool. You want a gun, and you don't have a criminal record, more power to you. When you can convince me that its necessary to have a 50 mm chaingun mounted to the top of your hummer to hunt squirrel, maybe I'll join the NRA. Until then, I think people have the right to bitch for gun control, given the condition that they put a sign in their front lawn that says "I support gun control. This house is unarmed." If you do that, you prove you have a set big enough to support your beliefs, and it makes your opinion credible. Chuck Schumer screaming about automatic weapons while hiding behind his heavily armed bodyguard is another story for another day.

Okay, okay.

Chuck Schumer is a pussy. There, I said it.

Homos: I don't hate gay people. I will, on occasion, call things gay. I will call people fags, and mean it as a derogatory term. Does that make me a bigot? Probably. But I wouldn't fire or not hire someone because they were gay, I wouldn't try to hurt them in any way because they are gay, and I wouldn't call them a fag to their face unless I knew them pretty well. This goes with the next topic of your interest:

Minorities: Sorta the same as gay folk. I don't care what color you are, but I find racial slurs to be rather amusing. Except the n-bomb. That's just not cool. I consider myself a minority, even though they make me check whitey on all those boxes. Who reads those things anyway? Oh yeah, the racists do; nobody else cares. I'm Irish, we used to be the 2nd class citizens around here, the other white people used to think we were the missing link between ape and man. Luckily for us micks, people with different colored skin came around and took the heat off, and off we went to crackersville. Good work, brown/red/yellow/black people!

Gooberment: Those sons of bitches steal my money every week. All i'm saying is if you are gonna tax me 20% when I make it, and then another 8% when I spend it, then why don't you just cut the shit and charge me 28% off the bat! Every time I receive change that is not a multiple of 5, I get a little bit more pissedoff. You keep this shit up, and i'm voting for Al Sharpton and high-tailing it to Canada.